They were in the market for a pair of flip-flops.
Doris walked into Pac Sun, the boys close behind.
Can you help me?
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Doris tapped one of the teenage sales clerks on the shoulder.
Yeah, what do you need?
Im looking for boys thongs she declared.
He hardly even speaks to me.
Its like hes embarrassed to be associated with me.
What I wanted to say is: Youre doing it wrong.
Lord knows, Im no expert.
Ive had more than my share of cringe worthy attempts at navigating the teenage discourse dynamic.
But I have been able to decipher some hard and fast rules when trying to converse with kids.
Here are a few.
Rule Number One
Dont use outdated cultural references or phrases.
Noone talks to the hand.
Nothing you want to discuss is gnarly or rad.
Rule Number Two
Dont join their conversations unless youre invited.
I was driving my daughter and three of her friends to an eighth grade dance.
They were giggling and whispering about some of the boys in their class when I decided to chime in.
They dont want my opinion about whether a certain classmate is a sweet kid.
Rule Number Three
Dont interrupt or argue.
That is not a conversation.
Rule Number Four
No nicknames.
Even if your sons friend is named Tony, dont refer to him as T-bone.
Your daughters friend is Elizabeth not Lizard.
For example, dont keep referring to twitter as tweeter or Instagram as Instant grams.
Rule Number Six
Conversations are not teaching moments.
So dont make them one.
Dont criticize them or tell them how you would have handled a situation differently.
If your child says something that bothers you, hold that thought.
You will have time to circle back to it later.
Rule Number Seven
Dont dismiss their thoughts as silly or stupid.
My daughter once told me about a difficult day at school.
She was in a fight with one of her best friends.
It was a silly argument and I told her so.
She would come to the same conclusion on her own a few days later.
I didnt need to speed it up for her.
I just needed to listen.
Rule Number Eight
Dont rely on your kids to fulfill your need for conversation.
Develop your own interests, your own cool independent of your kids.
Show them that you have a life outside of whatever they are doing.
They will engage you on it.
Rule Number Ten
Dont gossip.
There is nothing more pathetic than an adult who gossips with kids.
And adults who gossip with kids about other kids?
They should be marched straight through the gates of hell….in boys thongs.
