“The most difficult aspect of co-parenting is the belief that its actually possible to co-parent with the narcissist.
Co-parenting means you both are committed to raising the child with the childs best interest at heart.
They also attempt to alienate the empathic parent from their own kids.
Jordan Whitt
Heres what they told me:
1.
Find a therapist and attorney whos thoroughly educated and experienced with personality-disordered individuals.
The most difficult aspect of co-parenting with a narcissist is how isolating it is.
I wouldnt believe some of the outrageous stunts hes pulled either if I hadnt personally experienced them.
So I dont talk about it much, which makes for a very lonely experience.
Self-care, self-care and self-care!
Including all of the following: Feel your feelings, develop a good routine.
Love yourself: you are important, your happiness is important, and your kids happiness will generally follow.
You got through their bullying, threats, and attempts at emotional homicide already!
And this will hopefully help them to love themselves and others as well.
Mel
2.
If you are going to leave a narcissist, do not tell him you plan on leaving.
If he or she mistreats you, document it.
Quietly get yourself a therapist and a lawyer.
You will need both.
Consult with them to make a plan for leaving safely.
Arrange to have your kids start seeing a therapist immediately after filing the initial paperwork.
The same day if possible.
just trust me on this one.
Its best to start now, not later.
Save the documentation in a safe place.
Communicate with him or her as little as possible.
Give them as little information as possible.
When you must communicate, be agray rock.In other words, be as boring as possible.
Do not react emotionally.
Do not react AT ALL.
ALWAYS communicate via email or text instead of in-person or on the phone.
Consider purchasing software likeOur Family Wizard.It is extremely difficult to get full custody.
The trend these days is 50/50.
If this happens, you will need an extremely detailed parenting plan.
Read up about parallel parenting because co-parenting is impossible with the personality disordered.
Anne
3.
Arm yourself with evidence.
Dont assume the evidence you have will be seen.
Do not feel guilty about leaving.
You arent doing your kids any favors by staying with a person who doesnt treat you right.
They will use the kids as tools whenever they find it convenient.
If you two can agree to do things in a more relaxed way in the future, great.
Understand that in family court, people lie with impunity every day.
Be prepared for the possibility that he will make up outrageous bullshit to try and discredit you.
Arm yourself with evidence.
Dont assume the evidence you have will be seen.
His lawyer may prevent the most important items from ever going before the judge.
Be strategic about when and how you present it to ensure it goes on record.
Dont assume you will be able to get a word in edgewise when you are in the courtroom.
Its much better to get important information across as part of a written declaration.
Sarah
4.
Tips:Practice consistent self-care.
No matter how great the challenge, treat yourself with kindness and love, understanding and self-forgiveness.
Being mindful of my blessings has been essential throughout this healing journey.
We protect and save them by protecting and saving ourselves.
Bernice
5.
Make conversations strictly about the children.
Dont talk about anything other than them.
Give them nothing to feed off.
The most difficult aspect about co-parenting with a narcissist is trying to agree on things.
They twist and complicate things to create drama with even simple yes or no questions.
I asked him to leave numerous times and called him out on his behavior.
I told him it wasnt about him and that he needs to leave if he kept this up.
They just dont get that being a parent is putting your childs needs first not their own.
Tips:Dont be afraid to disagree with them.
Dont let them have a go at sway your decisions.
They will manipulate you to get their own way every time.
Be on the ball and have your guard up when dealing with them face to face.
Make clear boundaries and ensure they respect them by following through with those boundaries.
You might then find yourself agreeing to it even though you dont want to.
If they cross your boundaries, call them out on it.
The more you let slide the more they feel they can get away with.
They live for control dont let them have it!
Make conversations strictly about the children.
Dont talk about anything other than them.
Give them nothing to feed off.
They will get bored of this very quickly.
The most difficult aspect of co-parenting with a narcissist has been witnessing the way he has treated my daughter.
My ex has 2 daughters, one 19 and our daughter who is 11.
He is tall and willowy, never had a weight issue, but he calls our daughter fat.
He calls all women fat, he undermines the confidence she has worked so hard to build.
His life continues, I get very little notice in relation to when he can see her.
Shes too afraid to say no.
Hes utterly charming and doesnt understand why shes afraid of him.
Its his way or the highway.
My daughter shuts down when shes been with him.
He does nothing fun with her.
Obviously, as I am not there, I cant see or hear whats going on.
And if youre still in love with your narcissist, do not use your child as a pawn.
Tips:1. take a stab at verify you are in control of the schedule of visits/sleep overs.
Make them stick to it.
Its more stable and consistent for everyone.
Dont be tempted to interrogate as soon as your child or children get home.
This just pushes them to withdraw into themselves.
- make a run at have as little contact with your ex as possible.
Tell them things on a need to know basis.
Learn to let go, learn to love yourself.
Most of all understand, acknowledge and let go of what has been done to you.
I worry that my daughter will fall for a narcissist, I worry her mental health is suffering.
While he doesnt care!
Not fair, but true.
Deborah
7.
Focus on giving your child the best example to learn from.
The most difficult part of co-parenting is that your kids still witness the toxic behavior.
Focus on teaching your kids to be better people instead of why the other parent is wrong.
Learning and setting boundaries is one of the most important things to protect you.
And it is okay to set boundaries so YOU feel safe.
If that means you do the swap in a public place do it.
You do not have to be nice, invite them in etc.
Your feelings count too!
Its all about being in control for a narcissist.
Knowing the motive helped me not take it personal and detach from the behavior.
Kids can decipher different rules for different homes.
My son quickly learned this at two years old.
We used the phrase At mommys house we (insert desired behavior).
Focus on giving your kids the best example to learn from.
Understand your kids will act out after you leave.
Dont take it personal; theyre expressing the anger they were afraid to express around your ex.
My goal with my kids is to break the chain of abuse.
It stops with me.
Kat
8.
The notion of co-parenting doesnt exist.
Accept parallel parenting and realize that there may be a mixture of counter parenting.
Tips:1) Minimize contact.
Communication in writing only and topics related solely about the children.
- Establish firm boundaries.
Gogray rockand be matter of fact/unemotional.
- Model good mental health to your children.
One attuned parent has more influence than toxic relatives.
Brainstorm self-care tools so that when your child is with the other parent, they can access when needed.
Encourage them to use their voice and allow them to use it.
Allow your child to grow into their own person.
Jillian
9.
Use reflective listening with your children and do not date immediately after leaving the narcissist.
Give yourself time to heal.
Its very frustrating to hear Oh well, youre just two people who cant get along.
Its so much more than that.
Tips:For children and teens Ive found just reflective listening helps.
It sounds like youre feeling ____ about ____.
Everyone likes to feel heard.
Eventually they did, it I did not believe it at the time.
Broken attracts broken and healthy attracts healthy.
It was also extremely important for me to learn boundaries and when to use them.
Jennifer
10.
Give up trying to make decisions together; the narcissistic parent will not do it.
You have to parallel parent, not co-parent.
Validate the feelings of your children; you must be their rock.
The most difficult aspect of co-parenting is the belief that its actually possible to co-parent with the narcissist.
Co-parenting means you both are committed to raising the child with the childs best interest at heart.
This is why you cant do it.His goal is to hurt you through the child.
His need for control will prevent you from being able to do anything.
So get the idea of co-parenting out of your head and instead you have to parallel-parent.
Tips:Give up trying to make decisions together, he cannot do it.
You will have no control over what goes on when your children are away from you.
Do not badmouth him.
Validate their feelings, validate their reality.He will venture to brainwash them.
He will tell them lies to alienate them from you.
The most important thing is they must be empowered to trust their gut feelings at very young age.
Their reality will be different than yours.
Youd be much stronger than you were, right?
So now you get to be that person for your child.
Give up phone calls with your kids because hell make them feel bad for saying I love you mommy.
Protect them by disengaging, as hard and painful and excruciating as it is.
Do not engage with your kids while they are with him.
Tell them they can call you at any time, but do not interfere if at all possible.
It will upset you and then he will use that against you as if you are crazy.
It will save you the headache of trying to wait for his consent or money from him.
Do not engage in arguments, gogrey rock.Do not tell your ex what your kids say, either.
Do not do any physical custody exchanges if possible.
Have your parent or friend or anyone pick up the kids but you.
Do not make a run at have parent/teacher meetings together.
Do as much as you could separately and without drama.
He will use every event for drama.
Do not let him.
Have a great therapist and be involved in your childs school as much as possible.
Attend performances but stay away from him and his harem.
Family Court is a stage for the narcissist.
Know that you tried your absolute best to protect your kids.
