Steven Wright quotes are hilarious.
Wright is an American comedian, actor, writer, and film producer.
He’s best known for his slow, deadpan comedy.
A year later, he began doing stand-up comedy at the Boston Comedy Club, The Comedy Connection.
Wright is a well-loved comedian, named onComedy Centralslist of the 100 greatest comics.
Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners
7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
48states at English Wikipedia
Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Steven Wright
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Steven Wright
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Steven Wright
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just dont have film.
Steven Wright
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Steven Wright
How do you tell when youre out of invisible ink?
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
I dont know how I got there.
Steven Wright
I bought a million lottery tickets.
I won a dollar.
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I dont know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I planted some birdseed.
A bird came up.
Now I dont know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I dont have that much time.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles.
Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
I couldnt repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting.
Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldnt park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
I went to a general store.
They wouldnt let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
Its a small world, but I wouldnt want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Steven Wright
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Steven Wright
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Steven Wright
My socks DO match.
Theyre the same thickness.
Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
OK, so whats the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if youve got the time.
Steven Wright
Right now, Im having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright
Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.
Steven Wright
Support bacteria theyre the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Steven Wright
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Steven Wright
Whats another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary.
I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are deadI shot them last night.
I was teasing them by watering them with an ice cube.
Steven Wright
Im writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
Other Steven Wright Quotes to Make You Laugh
A cop stopped me for speeding.
He said, Why were you going so fast?
I said, See this thing my foot is on?
Its called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine.
The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing?
On the back, it said, Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
Doing a little work around the house.
People come over, and Im gonna say, Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.
Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, Im afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they werent included.
Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.
Mom said, Steven, time to go to sleep.
I said, But I dont know how.
She said, Its real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.
My mother was there, and she said I thought I told you to go to sleep.
Steven Wright
I have a hobby.
I have the worlds largest collection of sea shells.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe youve seen some of it.
Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, Im home now.
But leave a message, and Ill call when Im out.
Steven Wright
I love to go shopping.
I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say, Have you got anything Id like?
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, Extra medium.
Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question.
He said, I dont know.
I said, I dont want your job.
Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, Got any shoes youre not using?
Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, Hey, the sign says youre open 24 hours.
He said, Yes, but not in a row.
Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.
She looked at me and said, Hey, you have two different colored socks on.
Steven Wright
I went to a fancy french restaurant called Deja Vu.
The headwaiter said, Dont I know you?
Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, What for?
I said, Im going to buy some sugar.
Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once.
Steven Wright
If you write the word monkey a million times, do you start to think youre Shakespeare?
Steven Wright
One time, a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, Didnt you see the stop sign?
I said, Yeah, but I dont believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean.
That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didnt happen.
Steven Wright
The judge asked, What do you plead?
I said, Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
Today, I dialed the wrong number…
The other person said, Hello?
and I said, Hello, could I speak to Joey?…
They said, Uh…
I dont think so…hes only 2 months old.
I said, Ill wait.
I said, Well, what do you need?
Steven Wright
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.
A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
I got a new dog.
Hes a paranoid retriever.
He brings back everything because hes not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, we had a sandbox.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child…eventually.
Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press?
Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
Steven Wright
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
Steven Wright
The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.
Steven Wright
If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate.
Steven Wright
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Steven Wright
If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving definitely isnt for you.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever so far, so good.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
Half the people you know are below average.
Steven Wright
Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.
Steven Wright
Borrow money from pessimists-they dont expect it back.
