Basically 12 reasons I will never have another roommate.
By
Updated 4 years ago,August 7, 2021
I recently acquired a new roommate.
Funny thing was, I also had a history of sleep walking, but only on rare occasions.
Emergency Brake
The first incident occurred about one week later when I heard him screaming in the middle of the night.
As Id get closer to his bedroom, he stopped screaming, so I just went back to bed.
For the next month, he had no issues.
Emergency Brake
Then another random night, Greg started screaming.
Same thing; I got up and started to go to his room but hed stop.
Then one night, I was awoken by screaming in my bedroom.
Scared me, so I started screaming and woke him up.
He apologized and went back to bed.
Then the scariest thing happened.
About two nights later, I awoke to clanking.
Sounded like tools and hammers tapping.
I turned on the light to see Greg kneeling down in a corner working on something with his hands.
I was beyond creeped out, so I slowly slid out of bed and left the house.
All of his belongings were gone.
No signs of him anywhere.
It was like he never lived there.
I didnt know of any of his friends or family so I had no one to call about him.
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months.
When I moved out after the lease was up, I was moving furniture out of my bedroom.
Inside the floor vent was an envelope with a ton of pictures of me sleeping.
The pictures had handwritten dates and times written on the back of the pictures.
The only other item was a widdled down wooden broom handle brought to a point.
I truly believe Greg was preparing to kill me that night, and he realized it.
It was art school so some crazy is expected but this went above and beyond.
These were nice guys if a little immature.
Then one of them, never a poster child for mental health, really began to lose it.
It started with him getting a turtle.
He claimed the turtles tank cleaned itself and bought the turtle worms to eat.
Turtles dont eat worms, but roommate didnt throw worms out.
Instead, he kept putting the jars of worms in the kitchen.
As I planned and executed my escape, my roommates shenanigans continued.
What are we supposed to do?
So my buddys dad bought him and his brother a house for them to live in during university.
One random guy took one of the rooms.
Unfortunately for him, a couple weeks after signing the lease his girlfriend dumped him.
He was a strange guy to begin with.
He was the filthiest person Ive ever met.
Pretty gross, and strange considering we have sinks and soap in our house.
He actually wheeled quite frequently.
Then things started getting a little off.
However, thats not what he thought.
Again that wasnt true.
So after a few weeks of him clearly developing paranoia, one morning the shit hit the fan.
Then I heard more frantic running, followed by my other, normal, roommate screaming.
I jumped up and ran out to the kitchen.
I see my normal roommate, Ill call him Steve, standing in the kitchen.
Pickles, milk, chili, you name it, all over the ground.
Steve asked him what the hell was going on.
John replied, while shivering, shaking, and sweating profusely, I took 11 Benadryl.
Im confident my friend has nightmares about it lol.
He was kicking and punching us, trying to get us off.
At this point, he started yelling some crazy things, most of which I forget now.
However, one that stuck out to me was The media always wins!
Now before I explain what happened next, I should explain what happened after he got taken away.
We can only assume they were his exs.
Junior year I lived with two friends.
In this room, we had a walk in closet.
Needless to say, he began to repeat this process that night.
To this day he claims he thought he was kidnapped.
With his bare hands, he went through drywall, insulation and another set of drywall.
If we had had wood siding, he would have probably fallen to his death.
It was visibly dented from the outside for at least the rest of our time there.
He really needed to pee and began to cry at the state of his hopelessness.
Pics of the damage.
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Imagine finding your roommate shirtless, holding a rusty hatchet, in your backyard.
When you ask him whats up, he replies I am going to find that fucking cat.
and then just trails off and starts looking in the bushes.
My roomie, Jed, liked to throw parties.
He liked tarantulas, too, and kept six.
During our stay together, my roomie:
I was pissed at this point.
He stole some of my stuff in retaliation, but I called the cops and repossessed my belongings.
This is purely speculative.
He was from a wealthy family.
They dont come into the picture, though.
This is where the sealing begins.
Put a date mark right here, because this is where shit gets crazy.
I had had enough.
My private area had two entrances…
It was dubbed the Home Alone security system.
I secured the common door with a padlock on the outside which was really just for show.
The inside was barricaded.
Now the sliding glass door is where the home alone shit comes in.
It had a lock, but it was nonfunctional and only accessible from the inside.
When the cops show up hes taking a shit in the bushes just outside my window.
I fucking hate him so much.
I dont know precisely what went on in there because I mentally washed my hands of the whole area.
I did, however, start smelling odors.
I taped up my door.
Forgive me for being a little spotty in my descriptions after this point.
I essentially didnt even see the front door of our apartment during this time.
He goes to the shrink, tells the guy to suck and fuck his dick.
Then he came home, told me the story like it was the most normal thing in the world.
He steadfastly goes upstairs to his room for about 45 minutes.
But he couldnt decide which side to smash.
Same guy also wrote an anonymous story to his friend that was supposed to condone his partying habits.
In 2002 I went to uni in Edinburgh.
Cue the end of 2nd year.
My group of friends and I are choosing who lives with who as we move from halls to flats.
So I got lumbered with 3 other guys.
We got lucky with our flat.
Everything was gleaming it was worth 500k apparently.
Not bad for 270pm each in Edinburgh.
So we got everything signed and went to our prospective homes for summer to work etc.
Except for J, who decided to hang around for summer and enjoy the festival.
About a month later, Im heading up to Edinburgh with 2 friends.
We decided to celebrate my birthday by having a week in the festival.
Ive already paid for the rent.
says I, a tad surprised and concerned.
Its the flat, man.
Joes fucked it all up.
It doesnt sound good.
So I tell him Ill check it out for myself and not to tell Joe that Im coming.
We arrive in Waverly, walk the short distance to the flat and get ready for what awaits us.
As I reach the top of the stairs I notice something different about my bedroom door.
There seems to be only half of it left on the hinges, the rest splintered across the floor.
We go into my room.
There are three tussled but empty sleeping bags.
I step on a used condom.
I survey the room.
My flatmates description was accurate: its fucked.
The blinds have been torn and snapped off the wall.
The en-suite (nice flat as I say) brand new until now was a tip.
Smears of what I can only assume to be shit along the shower walls.
The shower head is smashed and hanging like a New York payphone.
I open my wardrobe.
Coursework: crumpled into a ball.
Architecture models: completely destroyed.
Computer: side has come off and one of my jumpers has been shoved inside it.
On inspection, the insides have been smashed.
Time to see Joe.
We go down to the kitchen via the living room.
The living room is off the kitchen with double doors, so its pretty much one huge space.
In the corner is a comatosed Joe half on the mattress, half on the floor.
His head being on the floor, we step over him and enter the kitchen.
What followed was the most breathtaking site Ive ever seen.
Many discarded pieces of foil with burn marks (I presume crack, heroin).
The fridge is ajar.
Its full to the point it wont close of mushrooms.
And there, in the middle of all this, is one used syringe.
I walk over to Joe to wake him up.
His eyes are deep pink.
His expression on seeing me standing over him was priceless.
Imagine your expression if your dad walked in on you wanking over a picture of your mum.
Thats the kind of shock/shame/fear in his eyes right now.
He stares at me.
I stare at him.
Finally, he pipes up with, What the fuck are you doing in my flat?
Get out, man.
This is my flat now.
you could fuck off.
Go find yourself another place to stay.
This went on for a while.
Ill cut this bit down as this is getting long… Basically, I looked for another flat.
I decided Id better get the landlords involved.
We met the next day outside the flat (we were staying at my mates in the meantime).
He then lets go and runs straight at the oncoming cars.
Cue much beeping, running over bonnets, and narrowly avoiding a bus.
All while half naked and screaming Wahoooooo!
But it is festival time.
Anyway, I explain everything to them.
They were shocked but, to their credit, understanding.
They appreciated the honesty and the chance to save their expensive new property.
Yeah, like that but with Spanish and French people.
Some half naked, some fully.
All fucked up and running as if Robocop himself had just walked in.
Ive never seen so many bouncing dreadlocks in all my life.
After about 5 mins its pretty quiet except for a shouting/whimpering exchange.
The half naked guy pelts straight in ready to join the party.
About 3 seconds later he comes running out again, minus the woohoo.
One hour later, I have two girls visiting who wanna use the toilet.
Guess who had to get the shit out of the toilet with a plastic bag over his hand.
Moved into a new house with a few other people.
He died a few years after I moved out from an overdose.
I asked, what hill?
He answered This is the hill we die on.
and went back to sleep.
Never did anything close to sleep-talking the rest of the year.
He also had an enjoyment for the white powder.
One time I walked in to find him throwing everything in the kitchen he could reach at the wall.
I guess the goal was to see what would stick.
No: everything else in the drawers, fridge (mostly condiments and bread), and counters.
I decided it was a good time to start keeping my knives in my room.
So in my friends most brilliant moment, he gets his girlfriend of a year to join us.
Great, we thought, us 3 can be downstairs and they can be upstairs.
Cut to the summer and they break up as we kind of expected.
After his workouts, he would grunt a lot and walk naked past her door.
He also had a massive pile of used tissues that just sat on his desk near his monitor.
Apart from blowing his nose, and the other…well I dont want to think about it.
We arent sure if he showered more than once a month during this period as well.
We eventually fixed this by unhooking the cable modem which was located in my other friends bedroom.
He ended up just ignoring us and possibly getting pissed to we left.
So Cs new guy walks in there and says hey man were tired and trying to sleep.
Could you just be a little quieter.
Thats when S freaks out and just sucker punches the new boyfriend.
He apparently played some football during his undergrad and was tough as nails.
So after a few seconds, he lets S get up and bam, S punches him again!
So he slams him to the ground and pins him.
which is a line that lives on in my group of friends to this day.
So they cart S off to jail for the night while another cop stays to talk to us.
Great cops in Indiana lemme tell ya.
Cut to the summer and we have to go to court to testify about the night.
The lawyer that Ss family found was the worst most disrespectful lawyer ever.
Oh, and he was from a Johnny Cochran law firm.
Cs boyfriends lawyer laughed and laughed nonstop when he found that one out.
