The difference between you and I was that I had human emotion and you only knew anger.
By
Updated 6 years ago,July 2, 2019
Multiple times.
There were times I apologized in advance to a guy because we wouldnt be able to mess around.
@herzblut
Again, my reaction was to say,Im sorry.
Well, you know what, I was frustrated too.
There is no reason to ever be apologetic about the biology of your body.
Especially not to a male who acts disgusted by it.
I dont understand men that arent willing to have sex with a beautiful girl because shes menstruating.
I get it, Im bleeding, Im not asking you to get your hands dirty and finger me.
But if were having sex and wearing a condom, what is the problem?
Its like guys have this misconception that were oozing and spraying out gallons of blood.
This isnt the case.
We actually only lose about 2-5 tablespoons in the entirety of our period.
And in the late days of menstruation, theres like nothing there.
And to be clear, having sex actually lessens the flow.
I apologized to my rapists.
It took some time for me to grasp the actuality of what had occurred.
He was supposed to be my friend.
Then I remembered two of them helping me, almost carrying me, down the hallway.
Irresponsibility does not warrant rape.
In another situation, he was my boyfriend.
I didnt want it.
I said no again and again.
I tried pushing him off of me.
My strength was nothing compared to his.
My throat hurt from screaming no.
I remember that the lastnocame out almost inaudibly and as a whisper.
He was doing it anyway.
He didnt know how such a cool girl could actually be into trash TV.
Id shrug my shoulders and just nod and agree.
My response would usually be to say something like,I know.
I just cant stop watching.
He also constantly expressed annoyance at my sensitivity.
According to him, I was just being too sensitive, I was just overreacting.
This happened so often, that I sometimes believed I had something to be sorry for.
I would apologize for being hurt, for being too sensitive and for caring too much about things.
You were the problem.
Your inability to sympathize with others and take into account their feelings and well-being was the problem.
The problem was that you were one cold and calculating narcissist.
The difference between you and I was that I had human emotion and you only knew anger.
On many occasions, Ive been told by men that I should get rid of my sailors mouth.
I started watching myself when I spoke, especially around said men, but Im done with that.
I no longer excuse myself for using language to express myself.
I am done apologizing for speaking my mind the way I see fit.
I started doing this too early.
I was young and naive and mistook overprotection and possessiveness for love.
I remember thinking I looked lovely, being excited to see him.
It was young love.
It was teenage hormones and feeling all sorts of things I had never felt for this older guy.
I didnt think the jean skirt I had chosen to wear would set him off.
So my relationship carried on like this.
Fast-forward years later to a different boyfriend.
Why arent you like other girls?
Cant you add some color to your clothes?
That skirt looks a little bit hippie.
I didnt feel like myself in any of them.
Now, older and wiser, I know better.
No one except me and my tastes have authority over my wardrobe.
Now, I tell a man to mind his own business.
I dont have to be smiling every second of the day.
I am not your Stepford Miss anything.
Men seriously have no idea how much effort goes into looking our best.
It is 2018, were busy and hustling out here, theres not always time to doll ourselves up.
We shouldnt apologize for it.
I also dont always have time to shave my legs or get a bikini wax.
Also, THOSE VISITS TO THE WAXER DONT COME CHEAP.
If Im going to go a few weeks without, they can just deal with it.
For expecting too much.
This has often been the case with men.
I was asking for too much.
Wrongly so, in many instances I apologized.
As women, weve all been there.
Weve all felt a little hesitant to voice our demands.
Afraid that in doing so, we would come off as either needy or bitchy.
I have learned that the wordnodoesnt have to be followed by asorryor abecause.
If I want to say no, Im going to say no.
I am who I am and have been who I have been.
I am who I am today because of my past.
Im not perfect and Im still learning.
I will not be made ashamed of my past ever again.
I will not let anyone slut shame me, nor will I slut shame myself.
We all need to take of ourselves first.
I am done apologizing for my need for solitude from time to time.
And I expect the same thing in return.
I found myself asking for his forgiveness for turning down sex.
I found myself having to explain why, whatever was the case.
Whether I turned sex down, period, or a specific act.
Hed actually shut me out for hours after.
I (all of us) should never be sorry about turning down sex or a sexual act.
Nobody has ownership over our bodies.
We arent withholding sex.
Our bodies are ours, not theirs.
I am a person with a spirit and a self, not a plaything.
Turning down sex shouldnt come with an apology.
I decide when and if I want to.
I decide what my boundaries are.
I dated this guy that was a little jealous.
When we were out and I got attention from other men hed flip out.
It wasnt something I was seeking.
It wasnt something I was asking for.
Hed actually get angry with me.
I would apologize when I had nothing to be sorry for.
The problem was his insecurities.
I wasnt the problem.
We had been together for about four years.
Which was probably one of the reasons I gave an apology I shouldnt have.
We were out on a date having dinner one night.
It had started pouring outside.
We had plans to go out to this bar and meet up with some friends after.
I didnt want to walk back to his truck in the rain.
I didnt want to get soaked and completely mess up my make-up and hair if we were going out.
I told him I would wait for him up front to pull up.
I had completely obliterated some point he was trying to make and fact checked him.
I thought everything was cool, but apparently he was still reeling from it.
He made me walk back to his truck, in the pouring rain.
It wasnt a short walk, either, and I was wearing heels.
The whole time I was fuming and I was in utter shock and disbelief.
I just didnt want to fight.
I just wanted to salvage what I knew was already long gone.
I learned two big things that night.
One was that I will never say sorry when I dont have something to be sorry for.
Especially if Im right.
Even if it is to protect something or someone who means something to me.
I will never again give an apology where one isnt due.
And second, I shouldnt have to forgo chivalry as a feminist.
Im tired of being told it does.
Because this isnt something anyone should ever be sorry for.
In whatever shape, at whatever dip or peak on the fluctuating weight graph, it is mine.
This body is mine and it is perfectly imperfect.
The only definition of beautiful that matters is my own.
Because I have and always will be enough.
