I think despite depression the choice I make is not letting it define me.
I think concealed depression comes with it resilience and ability to fight back.
It’s about learning…
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Updated 6 years ago,December 25, 2018
1.
Jonathan Becerra
We are very aware of how things affect us.
When I eat unhealthily and look in the mirror I know I wont be happy with what I see.
Being very aware and taking ownership of it is so important.
Jonathan Becerra
I express myself non verbally.
Instead, outlets I resort to is reading, quotes, music, and writing.
Sometimes the clear way for me to say something is when I dont say it at all.
Instead, I ask you, listen to this song or watch this movie.
And what Im saying is, this is saying everything I cant.
I appear very upbeat and positive.
Having concealed depression doesnt mean Im antisocial and sitting in a dark room.
Its the opposite really.
I have a lot of friends and go out.
Sometimes I feel like complete shit but I will never project that onto someone.
If I can be positive and upbeat and helping someone else that helps me.
I have a great level of empathy.
When you dont talk much you learn to watch very closely of the things around you.
I can tell how someone is feeling even without words.
And when someone goes through something, maybe I didnt go through it also but I feel your pain.
I constantly seek validation.
Depression has a way of dragging me down and dragging down my confidence in myself.
And there are moments I look for confident boosts and within others.
I listen very closely to music.
Songs and lyrics that somehow explain what Im feeling when I cant clearly articulate it are everything.
Ill always be someone who analyzes music based on the words because thats so important.
My sleeping habits are so abnormal.
Im either awake until 3 AM then wake up exhausted or sleeping for 16 hours.
And to get myself to sleep takes a lot.
Sleeping isnt easy when your mind is constantly racing but you learn to live with it.
My eating habits arent normal either.
Some days I dont eat.
Some days I dont even realize I havent eaten.
Other days I eat unhealthy if Im emotionally dealing with something.
Then some days I eat so healthily I can see weight loss overnight.
Getting a grasp on eating properly isnt easy.
Its something that people dont see and something that doesnt have to be perfect in my life.
But Im working on it.
For as long as I can remember Ive strived for As.
I was busting my ass playing sports because I needed to be the best.
I worked overtime and outworked everyone because I cared about being number 1.
A bad grade could leave me in uncontrollable tears.
A loss would lead me to do sprints alone on the track until I threw up.
Id write down every mistake Id make because it was important not to make them.
While Ive improved I still sometimes have a go at live up to a standard thats very unrealistic.
I fear people leaving.
I fall apart when someone leaves or a relationship doesnt play out as I was anticipating.
Maybe that has more to do with anxiety.
But I see my mood change significantly when someone leaves.
I project the happy parts of my life across social media for people to see.
You look at my Instagram and you see this life Ive painted for myself for others to see.
It gives me something to look back at when Im having a bad night.
A lot of people roll their eyes when I take too many pictures.
But those pictures and capturing moments with people I care for, matter.
I have moments where Im completely in my own world.
Learning to live in the moment is a constant challenge.
I have a lot of friends but few who really know me.
I throw parties and Im social and I talk to a lot of people.
But when I think of my close friends its like five individuals.
I dont cringe talking about suicide.
And thats what motivates me.
I value people who are like me and understand.
I dont do well with small talk and useless conversations and drama.
Tell me what hurt you.
And tell me why it still hurts.
Im emotional and heavy and deep and I struggle in relating to people repress emotions.
But I love when I meet someone who gets it.
Someone who understands me in ways I havent even figured myself out.
Ill always be there for other yet I pull away when I need help.
I wont call someone when Im crying alone in my apartment.
And I dont want to ever be a burden to people I care for.
A lot of the negative emotions I keep to myself.
But if someone were to turn to me Id be there in a second.
Sometimes 3 AM hits and I accomplish more in odds hours than I do between 9-5.
I take the good with the bad.
I hardly ever cry in public.
I think despite depression the choice I make is not letting it define me.
I think concealed depression comes with it resilience and ability to fight back.
Its about learning how to get back up every time you fall.
