An Atheist, a vegan, and a cross trainer walk into a bar.
I know this because they told everyone who they were within 5 minutes.
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Updated 8 years ago,August 28, 2017
1.
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Why couldnt Helen Keller screw in a lightbulb?
How many Catholic priests does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one usually, unless perhaps its high up and somebody else is needed to hold the ladder steady.
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There was a young guy who was really excited to go to his first ever high school dance.
He was worried about everything going perfectly.
So he spent the entire day of getting ready for the big night.
The first thing he did was go to pick up a suit he rented for the occasion.
Next he had to pick up a corsage for his date.
Finally, he got to the end and picked up a corsage.
By this time it was getting really close to the time he had to pick up his date.
In between dancing, he asks his date if she would like anything to drink, she says yes.
So he goes up to the beverage table, and there is no punch line.
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: Hey buddy… Why the long face??
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Whats blue and smells like red paint.
Me: I know a great knock-knock joke, want to hear it?
Me: Okay, cool, you start.
?
?
????
Whats worse than stubbing your toe on something in the dark?
A man goes into a bar.
He has a dog with him.
The dog is wearing an eye patch.
The man says to the bartender, Ask me about my dog.
Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child.
He serves a woman at the other end of the bar.
When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer.
He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.
Why did the blonde jump off of the cliff?
She was depressed and wished to end her life.
What do you call an Indian on the moon?
Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.
The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink.
The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this mans life.
How did that happen?
So the man told his story.
I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF!
out popped a genie.
For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune.
The genie said It is done!
and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.
For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world.
See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum.
And one night, they decide they dont like living in the asylum anymore.
They decide theyre going to escape!
Stretching away to freedom.
Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem.
But his friend, his friend darent make the leap.
Ysee… ysee, hes afraid of falling.
So then the first guy has an idea…
He says, Hey, I have a flashlight with me!
Ill shine it across the gap between the buildings.
you might walk across the beam and join me!
But the second guy just shakes his head.
He suh-says… he says Wh-what do you think I am?
Youd turn it off when I was halfway across!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Whats the best time to schedule a dentists appointment?
Exactly six months after your last one.
Tooth decay and gum disease are not a fucking joke, Deborah.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get its egg back.
Why did it need to get its egg back?
It was rolling down the hill.
Why was the egg rolling down a hill?
The farmer chose to build his farm on a hillside.
Why did the farmer build his farm there?
To be closer to the marketplace where his produce would be delivered.
How did he get the produce down the hill?
His brother delivered it in a truck.
Why did the truck driver stop in the middle of the road?
He had run over his brother, the farmer.
Why did the farmer get run over by the truck?
Because his chicken was crossing the road.
Whats the worst part of four black guys driving off a cliff in a Maserati?
They were my friends.
An Atheist, a vegan and a cross trainer walk into a bar.
I know this because they told everyone who they were within 5 minutes.
Two blondes walk into a bar, the second one should have seen it coming.
The only phrase Johnny caught was Purple flowers.
The next day in class, after giving instructions, the teacher asks if anyone has any questions.
Johnny raises his hand and asks, What are purple flowers?
The teacher goes, Johnny, I will not tolerate that kind of language in my classroom.
Go sit in the hall and think about what youve done.
He goes out and sits in the hall when another teacher walks by and sees him.
The teacher asks Johnny, What are you doing sitting in the hall?
I asked a stupid question.
What was the stupid question?
What are purple flowers?
Johnny, go to the principals office.
When he gets there, the principal tells him, Youre a good student, Johnny.
You havent gotten in trouble before.
So why are you here now?
I was sitting in the hall.
Why were you sitting in the hall?
Johnny, go home early.
Youre suspended for the rest of the month.
Johnny goes home and his mother asks him, Why are you home so early, dear?
I was sent to the principals office.
Why were you sent to the principals office?
Johnny, Im kicking you out of this house.
No son of mine is asking that.
Johnny is now homeless.
He decides to get a job at McDonalds.
Now keep in mind hes, like, twelve.
Why are you getting a job at McDonalds anyway?
I got kicked out of my house.
Why were you kicked out of your house?
Johnny, youre fired.
Johnny is now both homeless and unemployed.
He has no money, no supplies, nothing.
He sits next to a hobo on the side of the road.
The hobo looks at him and goes, Whats a kid like you doing sitting out here alone?
I got fired from McDonalds.
Why were you fired from McDonalds?
Oh, you know what?
I heard someone talking about purple flowers just a few minutes ago, says the hobo.
Yeah, and hes on the other side of the road there.
Johnny looks over and sees his brother on the other side of the road.
Relieved, he goes to fix the problem by asking the man himself.
Johnny takes two eager steps onto the road and gets run over by an eighteen-wheeler.
The moral of the story is to always look both ways before crossing the road.
