Stumble upon my ex box.
make a run at throw it away.
Still, all these years.
Daniella Urdinlaiz
Can’t do it.
By
Updated 8 years ago,May 22, 2017
1.
Hide.Hide from other people.
Hide from the world at large.
Hide from myself, even.
Burrow my way under under a mountain of blankets, place pillows on my body.
Daniella Urdinlaiz
Let the only light be the one coming from my phone.
Put on an episode of something Ive seen 10000th times.
Hide inside of it.
See if it means Ive disappeared.
Read WebMD.Spin out of control even more.
Inspect every section of my body.
Compare freckles to photos on the internet.
Massage my lymph nodes.
Not enough that I can even really call it crying.
More like watery eyes.
A lump in my throat that I cant seem to clear.
Take a walk.Slow down for a second.
Listen to music and dance when my body has the urge to.
Smile at the neighbors.
Listen to a Podcast.Laugh with the hosts.
Wonder if its concerning how soothing watching those are.
Tell myself its going to be okay.Be skeptical of myself.Mhm.
Youve said that before.
Tell myself maybe itsnotgoing to be okay.Be indecisive.
Be wary of which narrative to trust.
I cant tell if theres really a difference.
Get out of bed and force myself to go the gym.Run until I cant feel my feet.
Talk to myself in the shower.Pretend Im on the talk show circuit.
Ellen Degeneres is asking how I prepared for my film role.
My personal trainer kicked my ass for months.
Flex to show her.
Run more.Notice blisters forming.
Decide I need new running shoes.
WatchYoure The Worst.Feel better about my own issues.
Feel like Im not actually the mess I think I am.
Remember those are written characters.
Describe our individual panic attacks.
Feel a sick sense of relief in our shared discomfort.
Feel glad someone gets it.
Bombard Johanna on Twitter with GIFS.Continuously question how to pronounce GIF.
Ask her something like, Hey, can I ask you something weird?
Hug my mom.Feel like crying when she asks whats wrong.
Dont know what to say.
Say, Im not sure.
Look at Airbnbs in random cities that are too expensive.Wonder if I could be a nomad.
If I could be a minimalist.
If I could not care about materials and money and having everything planned out.
Remember who I am.
Remember Im not wired to be bohemian.
Download Tinder.Immediately delete it.
Organize my room.Stumble upon my ex box.
attempt to throw it away.
Still, all these years.
ReadModern Loveand cry about strangers.Feel grateful that such beautiful writing exists.
Go back to bed.Decide tomorrow will be better.
It has to be.
