1.A man walks into a bar.
As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender whats with the meat?
Moss
Wanna give it a go?
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, I think Ill pass.
The steaks are too high.
2.A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!
he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
And I dont like to have to do what I dun in Texas!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.
3.A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink.
After awhile, the bartender asks him, What is in the bag?
The bartender says, Wow!
Where did you find they guy?
The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, you might try it if you want.
This thing is definitely broken!
4.A man walks into a bar, orders a drink.
Downs it really quickly.
Downs that one too.
The bartender says Hey, buddy, are you okay?
The man says No, honestly, Im not.
I wanted to surprise my wife, and…
I caught her in bed with another man.
The bartender says Oh, man, thats awful!
What are you going to do?
The man: Im gonna drink myself to death.
I just want to die.
Bartender: Thats not what Id do.
If I caught another man with my wife, Id kill the bastard.
The man: Hey, thats it!
The man leaves, and comes back an hour later.
The bartender asks So, did you do it?
Did you kill the guy?
The man, big smile on his face, says No, I fucked your wife.
5.A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons.
Hey whatre you drinking?
Magic beer, says the guy.
After arguing about it for a few minutes the guy says, Ill prove it to you.
They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff.
The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off.
Miraculously he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron.
The patron runs back to the bar and says to the bartender, I want what hes having!
pointing to the guy.
The patron chugs his Magic Beer, runs over to the cliff and plummets to his death.
The guy walks back inside smiling and orders another beer.
7.C, Eb, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender, upon seeing them, says sorry, we dont serve minors.
8.A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,Give me 2 shots of…
The bartender cuts him off saying,You only get 1 shot.
9.A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, Where did you get that?
The parrot says, Brooklyn, theyre everywhere!
The bartender asks hey, does that eyepatch ever get itchy?
Nay, lad, now make with the grog says the captain.
What about that peg leg?
Its got to be annoying?
Nay again, lad, you get used to it.
But that ships wheel in your pants…
Aye, its drivin me nuts!
11.A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot.
Im celebrating my first blow job!
He says to the bartender.
Congratulations, says the bartender, Here, have another one on the house.
12.A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar.
The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke?
13.A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!
The man yells as he approaches.
Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink.
The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!
The man happily announces as he approaches.
Bartender thinks: This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay.
Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night.
He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink.
The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!
The man calls out as he approaches.
Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: What, no drink for ME tonight?
The drunk looks at him and says: Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.
14.An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a Billy-Club.
Im a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?
Yes, she purrs.
Well, wash your frickin hands, says the man.
I want a cheese sandwich!
16.A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve spirits.
17.Guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically.
This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye.
Finally the man finds what hes looking for and sighs a sigh of relief.
He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, Im terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?
To which the man replies surprised, Oh no no everythings fine!
I just promised my wife Id never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.
18.A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says A beer yo!
And one for the road!
19.A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: Ill have a Gin and…
The bartender asks, Why the big pause?
And the polar bear replies, I dont know, Ive always had them.
20.An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar and begin drinking.
The Prize money was too much for the men to pass over so they agreed to try.
The Englishman goes first, but after only half the tequila he collapses drunk.
The Scotsman is next.
He downs the tequila and staggers to the lions room.
The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions room.
There is banging up against the sides of the door and everything and then silence.
The Irishman emerges battered, bleeding and torn.
He orders everyone around.
The bouncer says, Sorry, lads… you cant come in without a Thai.
23.A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
A minute later he hears, You look great.
Have you lost weight?
He looks around, but theres no one near.
Again, a minute later, he hears, You know, you dont look a day over 30.
The bartender says, Its the peanuts.
24.A blind man walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair…
25.Another one!
A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar.
He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.
The captain sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.
Well, how did you get the hook hand?
Yar, had me a swashbuckling accident!
Well what about the eye patch
A seagull pooped in me eye.
How did you lose your eye from seagull poop?
Yar, twere me first day with the hook.
26.A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.
They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best.
They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.
The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged.
Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast.
He says: Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldnt have started with circumcision.
27.An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, Ive been blind for 50 years lad.
My hearings perfectly attuned.
I bet can tell you whats happening in any room in this pub.
Oh really, says the landlord, go ahead then.
The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens.
Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check.
His nephew returns and confirms the findings.
Couldve been luck, says the landlord, Go on, take another crack…
The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens.
In your cellar, he says, I can hear scurrying.
You have a rat infestation.
Youre talking rubbish, says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check.
He returns and the old man is right, again!
Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to loop back and try.
He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar.
Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible, says the landlord, what else can you hear?
The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while.
The landlord checks the pump… Ha!
Youre wrong old man.
Well then, wheres my fucking pint?
28.A man walks into a bar and sits down, and orders a drink.
Bartender says, Im sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you.
Guy gets up and leaves.
Im sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk.
Guy gets up, grunts and wanders off again through the same exit.
SIR, IVE ALREADY TOLD YOU NOW TWICE THAT YOURE TOO DRUNK AND I CANNOT SERVE YOU.
29.Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You cant tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
30.An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer.
He drinks each one in turn, and walks out.
This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in.
My condolences on your loss.
My brothers are still alive, the Irishman says.
I didnt order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.
31.A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, How the fuck did you do that?
32.A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
As hes enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly.
How can you pollute your soul with the Devils drink like that?
Its not the Devil, its just whiskey.
But its sinful and wicked!
How do you know its so bad, then?
Have you ever tasted whiskey?
My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.
But how do they know?
Have they ever had a drink?
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents.
But it wouldnt do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking.
Could you order me one in a teacup?
The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.
Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, hey.
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, Is that damn nun here again!?
33.Give a man a duck and hell eat for a day.
Teach a man to duck and hell never walk into a bar.
