What are your deal breakers?
By
Updated 1 year ago,January 16, 2024
Should we get married?
This is most likely the most important question your life.
Annie Edgar
Take heed of the advice from others below that was found onAskReddit.
Do you want to marry me, too?
verify the person wants to marry you, too.
kindly, for the love of public embarrassment, talk to your partner before asking.
DangerDamage
2.
What is your actual debt?
What is your actual debt?
Its not sexy but its important.
Lethophobia
3.
How do you plan to raise our kids?
Not just whether you want kids, but how you plan to raise them.
petethepianist
4.
What would you do in the case of infertility?
In the event of infertility, are you OK with:
Fertility treatments like IVF?
Only after we went through that question, I realized I wasnt ok with sperm or egg donation.
I rather adopt than do it with someone else.
Plus, theres a lot of children who need parents.
eraser_dust
5.
Will you be there for me?
You should ask a thousand questions to someone youre going to marry.
What if you saw an injured baby deer by the side of the road?
What if your father left your mother when she had cancer and your mother was alone?
What if you won fifty-thousand dollars?
What if we had a four-year-old who poured a glass of milk into your hard drive?
What if we had a baby who wouldnt stop crying?
What if you are suddenly hit with depression?
What if I am?
What if I start drinking too much in the afternoon?
What if we meet a great new couple we really like, but the guy flirts with me?
What if I start/stop wanting to go to church?
What if you hate your new job and want to quit without another one?
What if I do?
What if you get a hobby that takes you away every weekend?
What would that hobby be?
Do you like to go out and party or stay home?
Do you like to go camping or clubbing?
What do you think about abortion?
Why do you think people decide to be vegetarian?
What do you think about those people?
What if our son has trouble making friends?
What if our daughter has autism?
What if we plan on not having children but I get pregnant and want to keep the baby?
What if your mom doesnt like me?
What if my mom doesnt like you?
What if I think our kids would do better in private school?
What if one of us gets an illness that prohibits intercourse for months at a time?
What if I cant live in a house without a cat?
What if you want four big dogs that shed all the time?
Can you stand the thought of living in a city?
Marriage is about a million different compromises.
Things that you will never think to ask will come up.
Life will fucking punch you in the stomach sometimes.
What you really need to know is: Do you love me?
Do you respect me?
Will you be there for me?
Can I count on you?
Will we decide things together or will you take a stab at decide them for me?
Can we compromise effectively?
Are each of us prepared to give more when the other person is only able to give less?
But do we promise to give as much as we can?
And finally, can we communicate things to each other as we go?
(Married 22 years.)
cloud_watcher
6.
How much space are we willing to give each other?
A lot of thing youll know if youve been together long enough.
do they go to church/temple/mosque regularly or on the holidays or not at all?
if neither of you are active do they intend to start attending worship in the future?
Im currently off the gods, she wants to go occasionally.
one or both of you already have them?
if kids are no, move on.
if yes or maybe, how will they be raised?
maybe you have to revisit religion here.
are parents close/willing/suitable caregivers?
do you make enough to stay home?
can one or both of you work from home?
whats your monthly nut?
plan to pay off?
wanna buy a house?
I advise 5 bank accounts Long term, short term, joint, and each gets their own.
bills are paid jointly, long term for the roof/car/etc.
, short term for Xmas or vacation, date night or hobbies come out of your individual accounts.
how old is your car and how important is it to replace?
What do you love that they dont get?
How much space are you willing to give each other?
Are you comfortable doing your own things sometimes?
where do you spend which holidays?
Are there deal breakers?
Are there relatives one of you just cant abide?
What are your deal breakers?
What would make you walk away?
If the answer is shallow dont get married.
If the answer is nothing youre lying, dont get married.
What drives you crazy about the other?
Can you deal with it the rest of your life?
Do you want to?
can you change that thing the other person hates about you?
Big stuff, small stuff, goofy inside jokes that always make you laugh, everything you love.
It should be a lot, but there should be room.THEY NEVER SEE THIS.
Then one day youll find yourself fighting and on the verge of dropping the bomb.
you could scorch the earth and win the fight!
TKO and all you have to do is say it.
I hope it works out for the best for both of you.
With the right person, its worth it.
JerkfaceBob
7.
How will we split the chores?
Expectations and gender roles.
Your idea of equally splitting chores may be far from theirs.
Feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and unappreciated in your relationship will kill it as quickly as anything else.
dorkmagnet123
8.
How would you handle a sick child?
How you would handle a sick (physical or mental) child.
In utero and if and when its born.
Would you want an abortion?
Would a parent stay at home with him?
Would you let him be raised in a group home setting, etc.?
What kind of treatments would you seek-religious, holistic, scientific?
Hard and personal topic that could easily drive you to divorce if it pops up.
Walking_Opposite
9.
Do you want children?
Do you plan to keep working after we get married?
If we have kids, do you plan to take time off to raise them?
How important are your religious beliefs?
Do you always want to live here or would you be OK moving for work?
How do you want to spend your retirement (travel, community, Boca, Alaska)?
Do you have any significant debt/bankruptcy/terrible credit stuff/student loans?
Do you want to file jointly on our taxes?
Do you have a criminal record; if so, what for?
!Do you like pets, what kind and how many do you want to have?
Do you want to rent or own?
This is just a small sample of questions you should know the answer to before marrying someone.
closingbelle
10.
TSPSweeney
11.
Why do you want to marry me?
If the answer is genuine and makes you happy, you will probably have a good marriage.
If it sounds ripped from a Nicholas Sparks novel… fuckin run, man.
edgar__allan__bro
12.
Where do you see yourself in 30 years?
Anything to do with pre-nups, kids, and where do you see yourself in 30 years.
derekmelvin
13.
What kind of sex life will we be having?
Because…well, at that point, their partner is stuck dealing with it.
StaplerLivesMatter
14.
What do you consider cheating?
What do they consider cheating?
Theres a chance they only consider physical interaction cheating.
enjoyscaestus
15.
What is your dirty laundry?
Myself and Wife 1.0 aired our dirty laundry to each other.
Finances, people we had dated, former pregnancies…everything.
This way there would be no surprises later on.
We also agreed to not hold any of these issues over each others head, for whatever reason.
We have been married for 22 years FTW!
creatorofstuffn
16.
Do you believe in divorce?
Do you believe in divorce?
Do you believe in abortion?
What if I do?
How do you spend money?
And still wanted to marry me.
How to raise kids.
1 yr, 5 yr, 10 yr plans/goals.
IN EACH AREA home, family, personal, professional- those goals change, talk about them yearly.
Lilpeapod
17.
Where do you want to live?
Where do you want to live?
Do you want to stay where we are, or move?
This could be a major point of contention if you dont figure it out ahead of time.
Voodootumbleweed
18.
How do you feel about religion?
Im gonna say religion (everything else I thought of has already been said).
Im not Christian but was raised in a Christian family.
However, it can cause a huge wedge in relationships.
And things like swearing and stuff also come into it.
raz563
19.
What are your deal breakers?
Define what each of your deal breakers would be.
Find out how much debt that person has and share your info as well.
JustineDelG
20.
Are you willing to sign a pre-nup?
Are you willing to sign a pre-nup?
jennybock
21.
How much time do we want to spend with each other?
How much time do you want to spend with each other?
ErrorID10T
22.
Are we sexually compatible?
Be absolutely sure youre sexually compatible.
If one of you is low-libido and the other is high, youre going to have a bad time.
Even if everything else is perfect, with that core of intimacy missing, the marriage is doomed.
Be very certain, you both like fucking to the same degree.
Source: came out of a doomed marriage.
thudly
23.
What do you want to happen after you die?
What do you want to happen after you die?
Do you want to be buried or cremated?
Do you have certain requests for your funeral?
Where do you want to be buried?
If youre on life support when do you want the plug pulled?
rootytootoot
24. Who will be your priority: me or your mommy?
Who will be your priority: me or your mommy?
notthethirdswitch
25.
How do you feel about drugs and alcohol?
Not just pot and the like, but smoking and alcohol, too.
Are you fine if they smoke in the house?
Are you fine with dragging a falling-down-drunk spouse home, and if so, how often?
Are you willing to quit any of these if your partner insists on it?
Even if its not for health/religion reasons?
aqutalion
26.
Can I trust you with my feelings?
Are you my friend?
Will you be there for me when I need you?
Can I trust you with my feelings?
Will you be supportive when times are hard?
Am I important to you?
Do you think Im a good person?
If you have reasonable doubt about any of these, dont marry the person.
There is nothing worse than being married to a back-stabbing critic who always assumes the worst about you.
Oh, do I know.
peterfonda2
27.
What realistically would cause you to leave the marriage?
What realistically would cause you to leave the marriage?
Financials: expectations, direction you plan to go together and ho youll do it.
For example, I am a SAHM.
Our financial plan is to always keep our familys needs under my husbands income.
Extended Family/Religion: what prominence do each of you expect these things to play in your life?
How will these things play out with kids and holidays?
megalynn44
28.
Do you want children or not?
Kidsdo you want children or not?
I do, and I wouldnt want to settle down with someone who is fundamentally opposed to having children.
It would not work in the long run.
If thats the case, it could be an issue and Id want to know sooner than later.
Id want to know as soon as possible beforehand if we are sexually compatible.
Financesbill payments, family/joint vs. individual accounts, tax filing, rent/mortgage payments, etc.
I also dont like to be hounded on how I spend my own well-earned discretionary income.
If someone has an issue with this, Id want to know so we can resolve it.
mochalattes
29.
How many social events am I required to attend?
Unrealistic expectations of social events are one thing me and my wife argue about.
This comes out to something going on each month.
I show up but dont really interact.
Nate0110
30.
Joint or separate bank accounts?
Money.How do you budget?
Joint or separate bank accounts?
Save for retirement how?
Expectations for the future?
Kids.Do you want them?
Circumstances in which pregnancy could/should be terminated?
Expectations for working or staying home with child(s)?
Philosophy on punishment and responsibilities?
Handling potentially major shocks like kid coming out, failing out of college, being an unexpected prodigy?
Baby names (can be surprisingly divisive)?
Religion.Do you have it?
Do you want it?
Do you want your kids to have it if you dont?
What if kids want different religion?
Do you need both partners to be the same religion?
General Future Goals.Where to live/retire?
Career goals and what it takes to get there?
Tell him when youre still dating so hes not shocked when you bring it up)?
Expectations for caring for elderly parents?
How to Handle Change.Biggest one I can tell you to discuss.
Talk about what if he loses his job.
What if she decides she doesnt want kids.
What if she decides to go back to school.
What if he needs to make a midlife career change.
What a lot these have in common is that they are representative of truly possible changes.
The lives you have and dream of are not necessarily the ones you will get.
If you cannot grow together (aka change), you are doomed.
UnApprovedActivities
31.
How are you gonna handle the parents, especially when theyre older?
Talk about how youre gonna handle the parents, especially when theyre older.
This was a big thing with me and my ex.
My mom is financially responsible and could retire whenever she wants at this point.
My exs parents had a terrible work ethic and literally nothing in the bank.
I spent a lot time helping my ex to learn to be financially responsible and prepare for the future.
I didnt want her parents to be drain on that.
I loved them to death, but I wasnt gonna pay for their bad choices.
TheZephyrusOne
32.
What happens if a spouse gets the chance at a dream job somewhere else?
Money is of course the big one… Are we going to vaccinate our kids, or are we unfit parents who shouldnt reproduce?
What happens if you want to move away from or closer to family?
Is there a potential a parent or sibling would need care in the future from one of us?
How are we going to handle household duties?
Especially if one works and one is a homemaking/stay at home parent?
Who can/will/wants to cook?
Will you agree not to try and make me eat tofu instead of steak if you go vegan?
yellowtailer
33.
Clarify that you are mostly in accordance of each others outlook in life.
In no particular order…
Sexual Preferences and OrientationYou must establish your sexual preferences before getting married.
Your husband / wifes satisfaction is a top importance to your relationships longevity.
Outlook in LifeClarify that you are mostly in accordance of each others outlook in life.
Major differences are possible red flags in marriage.
This involves principles, culture and choice of lifestyle.
You dont want to have a racist partner who says he respects you but mocks your people.
If you want kids and are open to having many, be cautious of a pro-choice partner.
I mean, know before you dive at least so you’re free to adjust your expectations.
ReligionI agree there is always a middle ground but when you have kids this can be complex.
Freedom of religion is true, but since you will be living under one roof this is a challenge.
Imagine Catholic+Wiccan or a Buddhist+Muslim.
Think about crucifix, pentagram, fasting and other wives.
Also, that religion extends to his/ her relatives who you will be meeting and spending holidays with.
You dont need a lot of money to be happy but at least you should have ENOUGH.
LeisureYou cant just have sex whenever youre bored.
Dont compete with rabbits.
One would not enjoy being a mere caddy while youre golfing or a personal assistant while you are shopping.
You have to share or be flexible to learn and enjoy each others hobbies.
Life SkillsAre you sure you want to marry someone who cant even cook an egg?
Cant recognize mold on bread?
Cant talk to customer service?
Cant run an errand?
Is too gullible to strangers?
Be wary of people who keeps on saying excuses…at least try right?
antsypansy
34.
Do we agree on politics?
Im a wedding DJ.
Also, I would say religion.
JesusSavesAtWalMart
35.
How are you going to manage finances as a family?
Talk about money or ask to see their credit report isnt the right way to approach it.
Youre not trying to get a loan or considering a new employee.
Youre entering what is designed to be an exclusive, life-long partnership.
What habits, experiences or events led to any noteworthy problems in the past?
Were they one-offs, or were they repeated?
Aside from issues that are directly money-related, questionable relationships need to be examined.
Are there crazy exes who pop up every 5-10 years?
This is one of the most commonly-avoided topics in long-term relationships prior to marriage.
Sanhael
36.
Can we handle traveling together?
Marriage isnt easy, but it had been the best experience of my life.
adarcone214
37. Who will be paying the bills?
My husband is terrible at remembering to pay bills so I took that over.
How much will you save each month?
We have very opposing philosophies on it.
How much allowance will you each get?
I strongly encourage you to have separate credit cards.
Feel free to have a third just for household expenses like utilities.
Set a limit on how much either person can spend without the other knowing until after the purchase.
This was created after he spent $500 of money we didnt have.
And when you run out of that discretionary fund, you dont go out.
For example, we paid off both our cars.
We talked about how to achieve that and we did that before paying off his student loans.
Now we are actively building an emergency fund that is much bigger than what we had before.
How big do you want yours to be?
Some couples dont care about vacations whereas we travel several times a year.
Whats important to you?
Do you want one?
When do you plan to start?
Can you afford it?
Child Care is expensive.
Find out all the costs first.
Maybe you have a dream to get a degree down the road.
Maybe he wants to fix up a car.
I had no idea that my husband wanted a workshop until we finally started making good money.
But I know he would have written that down had we done that simple exercise.
Goals and dreams take planning, combined efforts, time and money.
These things have to be discussed many times and at length.
Sex… How often do you each want it?
Arguing… What is or isnt acceptable?
We arent allowed to call each other names, for example.
Pets… Do you want any?
Your spouse or significant other is your partner in living your dream and vice versa.
Work together to make it happen!
Good luck and happy living
shanirae
38.
What do you want in life?
If youre young, discuss education.
Not to mention you probably wont be able to settle down until youre both done.
Where do you want to live?
I just dont mean city or state, but thats important too.
Also discuss if you want to rent or buy.
I know a lot of millennials want to rent and live in the city.
But I really love the suburbs I grew up in and wouldnt mind living there forever.
Luckily my wife also agrees.
Finances both short and long term.
Do you want to own a house?
Do you want to rent and invest money?
Do you want to rent and just blow all your money?
Do you want children in the near future?
How many would you find ideal, and when?
On the flip side, some people dont want kids, and thats also incredibly important to discuss.
My wife wants to be a stay at home mom and I think thats awesome.
So Im rushing to live as fast as I can.
So no kids for a few years.
Wife was kind of bummed about this, but I made my case and she understands.
I guess this one really brings everything together, and its important to discuss the big picture.
Do you wanna be a great parent?
Or perhaps you want to travel with your spouse for a few years before settling down.
Maybe you want kids but your main aspiration is making a large impact on the world.
Maybe you really wanna excel in your career.
But so is knowing the fact that circumstances can change, and so youll have to re-plan accordingly.
As such, I think its important to be vocal about all of these decisions even after marriage.
Ilyketurdles
39.
What are the plans for when things get rough?
What are the plans for when things get rough?
Marriages go through ups and downs.
Some couples downs are 50 times better than other couples ups, but nevertheless, things fluctuate.
You absolutely need a plan for when things get rough.
No sarcasm (for the love of God, no sarcasm).
Where and when will you talk about difficult things?
Decide who its okay to discuss your problems with.
Or should all problems be resolved directly with your spouse.
I speak from a failed marriage.
Next month is our 25th anniversary and were in the process of getting a divorce.
I wish we had dealt with these things.
Three years ago, I had enough of her selfishness and said we needed counseling and she refused.
She agreed to try on our own, but then wouldnt follow through.
The night I asked her why do you love me?
But when we did, she didnt follow through.
ReadThe Five Love Languages, he told us.
Id already read it.
Then she did none of them, not even the two I identified.
I know its easy for someone in my position to blame their spouse.
Over these past few years, Ive learned a lot about myself and about her.
I read the descriptions of these and see how her behaviors fit so many of the traits.
Inability to control emotions.
The need to be the center of attention.
Imagining relationships are more intimate than they really are.
Its been a rough three years, but the end is near.
