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Updated 2 months ago,March 4, 2025
We are all beings of connection.
We need to be loved, truly loved, unconditionally loved.
We will do anything to get someone to love us like this.
Photo byLisandro GarciaonUnsplash
But love isnt a smooth journey.
We make many starts and stops during our lives.
Our hearts ache endlessly, and we question our worth.
Maintaining a healthy mental state is easy if you have strong connections in your life, romantic or platonic.
Conversely, we can use psychology to mold ourselves into better lovers.
This is not about changing yourself; its about truly understanding your partner and where they are coming from.
Triangular Theory Of Love
PsychologistRobert Sternbergproposes three main components for love:intimacy, commitment, and passion.
We need all three to exist for our love to be explosive and everlasting.
This love is called consummate love, and its believed to be rare.
But hey, we can still hope for it.
Passion and intimacy result in romantic lovethe love of our teenage years.
If you lack passion, maybe more date night escapades or a few nights without your kids will help.
Attachment Styles
Attachment styles mirror our attachment to the primary caregiver in our childhoods.
This is why parents can sometimes really mess up a child without even knowing they are doing so.
Those withsecure attachment styleshave the least amount of problems with adult relationships.
They have had warm and assuring parental relationships and feel confident and whole as adults.
They also communicate well with partners and are more empathetic towards others feelings.
But with the other types, its not a pretty picture.
Avoidant typesportray to the world that they dont want to commit.
They seem distant in general and can run away from relationships when they become more intimate.
This is when your partner is standoffish and keeps pushing the engagement each year.
Those of us who areAnxious typestend to want a LOT of external validation to feel secure.
Guess from whom they want the most validation: their partners, of course.
This behavior may pose challenges for partners because constant reassurance can get tiring very soon.
This attachment style is a result of often misattuned and inconsistent parenting.
These individuals behave in extremely inconsistent ways in adult relationships and can be very hard to read.
When people of different attachment styles get into close relationships, the result can be jarring at times.
you could either talk to them about this directly or guide them to get help, AKA therapy.
Love Languages
We all want to be loved, but not in the same way.
Love languages refer to our preference for how we want to be loved.
This applies to platonic relationships as well.
To find out the preferred love language, you and your partner can take the testhere.
This may not be your preferred language, and thats okay.
Some adjustments will be called for.
In the equation, investment refers to what you have already invested in the relationship.
How many years have you been together?
How strong is the ecosystem that you have built around the relationship?
Rewards minus costs equate to how much you get from the relationship.
Fewer costs and more rewards, the better.
Commitment is also adversely related to the availability of attractive alternatives.
So, to be a good lover, you gotta ensure rewards are always more than costs.
Relationship experts recommend at least five or more positive interactions with your partner for every negative interaction.
This should keep the commitment on a high.
Most of the time,our differences are not because of intentional actions to hurt the other.
They are mostly due to wounds we carry from our pastthat we dont even know of.
