Guy was a nutcase though.
He had very thin skin and theslightestthing would set him off.
Hes go absolutelynutswhen he was set off though.
God & Man
He yelled at the security guard and threatened to have him fired because he didnt like his tone.
My friends father robbed a bank in a small town in Indiana where he lived.
This was in the late 70s or early 80s.
God & Man
He spent 10 years in prison for the crime.
The same day he was released from prison, he robbed the same bank again.
He was caught and back to prison he goes.
He did not learn in those 10 years not to rob any banks or anything in that matter.
My friend was like this is what every father does and did not seem shocked over it.
He left and came back an hour later with a ski mask on demanding for the tattoo kit.
Was arrested the next day.
Cant make up that kind of stupidity.
I once called an Uber driver.
When he arrived, he immediately asked me: Are you going to (X location?)?.
I said: No.
He responded: Great, because Im not going to take you to (X location).
Fine, I said.
He responded: Look man, Im not going to fucking take you to X location, OK?
I told you already.
In fact, you already know where I want to go, its on your destination map.
Im just curious, what if I DID want to go to X location?
Would you have refused me the trip?
Would you have driven off?
He said: Look man I cant change the trip now.
And anyway I told you I refuse to go to X location.
You gotta understand Im busy.
we spent nearly 15 minutes with variations of this back and forth.
He was a fluent English speaker, by the way.
I wasnt even mad, just astonished.
How had he navigated through life thus far?
What were his financial decisions like?
I really wanted to follow him home and make a reality TV show about him or something.
I worked on a hay press for about a month.
Most guys had high school education.
I told him that thats pretty cool and New York will be quite the change from our little town.
My 24 year old cousin.
Funny enough, she was a good student and went to a prestigious university.
We have it listed as Michelle and you dont look like a Michelle, she says.
He said That says Michael.
And she argued with him about it!
Mom gently corrected the lady that it was Michael and again this girl was adamant it was pronounced Michelle.
Mom, bemused, said something along the lines of Its literally a name from the Bible.
Its pronounced Michael and has been forthousandsof years.
The receptionist sat in silence outside of the minimal amount of talking needed for the rest of that visit.
Guy stole a bike.
Cop stopped him and asked where he got it.
He said he stole it.
When I was in the military we had to halt a convoy due to a broken down truck.
Looking to see what he needed, I observe thick smoke billowing from his truck.
He keeps yelling _____, my truck is on fire!
My sister, who carved a swastika on her own arm.
Helped a client out to his car with some merchandise.
He struggled for a bit to get into the vehicle.
I, jokingly, asked if it was his car.
He backed up, looked at it and said, Nope.
No this is not my car and went to a different color and make of car in the lot.
There were only 3 cars in the whole lot.
This girl I used to work with before she got fired.
She got pregnant and her boyfriend immediately dumped her.
17 year old claiming that his IQ is 1.7 if you round up.
She was 20 at the time.
He was expelled and arrested and when word got to our year group everyone just face palmed.
I had manager named Roxanne (Rocky).
Rocky was really obsessed with her looks and not much else.
The co-worker and I just looked at each other and walked away.
We knew it wasnt worth the effort.
Work with a guy who honestly believes he will not die.
Also believes that doctors arepart of the system and that they lie to you for profit and personal gain.
He does believe in Eastern traditional medicine however.
I work for a small retailer and we had that guy for a while.
He would callevery dayand ask the same questions.
And no, not in different ways or something that could be construed as clever.
He has kids, let that sink in for a second.
Hes incapable of basic math besides addition and subtraction.
We buy stuff and we when tell him he gets 30% he didnt understand what that meant.
He also asks every time how much hes getting, despite not understanding the answer.
Im not sure he actually knows how to drive.
We have a dumpster in our parking lot and he manages to bump it every time with his car.
Every time he leaves we have to go move it because he hits iton the way in and out.
I could keep going.
There was this girl I knew in high school, she would constantly say or do stupid things.
Examples:
Old coworker of mine.
He was helping me move and while we were carrying a couch he dropped it.
…. he was 25 at the time.
My moms cousin was the getaway driver when his friends held up a 7-11.
He had some outstanding tickets at the time.
He defended his bad driving by telling the cop he was just the getaway driver.
Then he got arrested.
He has since been arrested for a series of other similarly stupid crimes.
He also believes that theres a global cabal of Jews who are out to get him.
Recently, he got a DUI, which got his license revoked.
This was obviously because of the Jews and not because he decided to drive drunk past a police station.
When he was denied a gun license, that was the Jews at work.
I have no idea why he thinks a global cabal would be focused on some moron from Saskatchewan.
Literally this guy got fired last week for doing this.
Multiple complaints to our store have been made about this guy and he had plenty of warnings.
HERROOOOO WOULD YOU RIKE A BRAG?
Science class, seventh grade.
The power went out, and we were waiting for the buses to get ready to take us home.
I said something to the guy next to me akin to, A transformer probably blew.
Like I was the dumb one.
I have a friend named Rachel.
We pile into Rachels car even though weve heard stories about her bad driving but thats another story.
Upon our arrival, she smirks and says, Oh I work here!
The first time I met Ben was in Improv 101.
Ben introduces himself as Surfer Ben.
I have no clue how this man functions in daily life.
He has since managed to get a few featured extra roles on TV, though.
He is genuinely the stupidest person I know.
He has broke his arms five times, three for the right arm and two for the left.
This is how he did it:
1.)
age 7, dancing on a table, fell off.
Age 17, runs in front of his friends truck as it went down the road at ~30 mph.
He was arrested for possession of a firearm when he is not legally allowed to own one.
It was his friends firearm.
He pointed it at a cop.
He got expelled from my high school.
Note: these are rap lyrics, he did not actually rape a pregnant woman.
He had two lines in a mandatory play.
He still messed it up.
While in prison he got a marijuana leaf tattooed on his face.
Im also gonna get Chinese lettering down my face.
(We are painfully white.)
He dropped out of high school before finishing the tenth grade.
Not because he had to, just because he didnt like school and wanted to do drugs instead.
He ended with a 3 in History, and a 6 in math.
I dont know what his other grades were.
When he was 15, my uncle was 30.
I worked with a man named Roy.
Roy had theories about how to live life.
One day, he turned to me and the other member of the crew.
You boys wanna know how you get nice things?
You go to the store, and you finance everything.
New furniture, new appliances, televisions, stereos, everything.
Then, you dont make any payments, and you dont show up for your court date.
Theyll end up garnishing your wages, but they take way less than the payments would have been!
Then, about a week later, You boys wanna know how you buy a house?
Her highlights include
One night during high school, my friend and I got invited to a party.
I didnt drive back then so my friend picked me up.
All went well on our way to the party.
On the way back however, he got pulled over.
I can feel the brightness of his flashlight but I dont hear him or my friend say anything.
After about what seemed like an eternity, I decide to open my eyes to see whats going on.
We were playing Rock Paper Scissor to decide who had to go change the baby-best two of three.
Round one, I throw scissor and he throws rock.
Round two, I throw paper and he throws rock.
Umm, paper beats rock I tell him.
No, rock beats everything.
I spend like 5 minutes trying to wrap my mind around this.
Finally I ask him Then…whats the point of even playing?
In total sincerity he says To have fun!
My brothers (now ex) girlfriend.
It was a little painful.
Even if she was in mid conversation.
Then we mentioned something about gardening.
She said You know, Ive always wanted to try growing tomatoes and just watering them with salt water.
That way, the tomatoes would already be salted when you ate them!
Huge reminder to never attribute to malice what is just pure old fashioned being dumb as a rock.
