Sometimes, becoming single is actually a step forward in finding the love you want.
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Updated 2 months ago,March 4, 2025
My friend John was glowing.
John is usually a bubbly and optimistic person anyway but that day, he was positively glowing with energy.
Wendy Wei
I just had some mental shifts in my head.
Individually, they had both experienced immense growth.
But now, it was clear that they no longer wanted the same things.
This realization had led to months of anguish for them both.
So, the fact that this change in John came from simply reframing his thinking was astounding.
John wasnt happy because he was callous and uncaring.
In fact, both he and Colette had tried very, very hard to salvage their relationship.
I wouldnt change a single thing about it.
Im so grateful for how wonderful it was but I know we cant get back there.
Were just not the same people anymore, he said.
John has always been a very sexual person but Colette is not.
Maybe sex isnt the issue in your relationship.
Perhaps its an annoying habit, arguments about money, or an infuriating mother-in-law.
Every relationship has downsides that are less than blissful.
Remind yourself of what your X is and be grateful that you never have to do it again.
So, they doubled down on their efforts and tried even harder.
But working harder wasnt the problem.
It was that they couldnt find a future they both wanted.
John wanted to buy a van and pursue adventures on the road.
Colette wanted to buy a house and build a career.
They were both working hard but not towards the same things.
Rowing harder doesnt help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction.
It can feel like you aregoing backto being single again.
A single person has one step to achieving the love they want to find a good relationship.
So, breaking up actually brings you one step forward to finding the love you want.
Remember the butterflies you felt right before your first kiss with a new love interest?
What about the cant eat, cant sleep honeymoon period of a new relationship?
Well, this could happen to you again.
Even if your next chapter isnt about love, you now have a chance to reinvent yourself.
The compromises in John and Colettes relationship happened constantly in big and small things.
You always have to consider how your choices might impact them, and inform them of your activities.
So, think about something you genuinely enjoy indulging in that you always had to compromise in your relationship.
Want to spend 8 hours playing video games or stay up all night with friends?
Well, now it’s possible for you to guilt-free.
After 8 years of being in a relationship, John had forgotten how to be alone.
He had become reliant on Colette for emotional support when things got stressful.
In the first few months following the breakup, even a weekend without plans seemed daunting to John.
He was determined to simply sit with his thoughts that weekend and learn to be comfortable in solitude.
Sometime that weekend, he went on a walk.
He said he had not felt that powerful sensation of self-assuredness in decades.
So create the opportunity to intentionally be alone and to create good feelings by tuning in to yourself.
Its a magical feeling when you have a deep knowing, that you just you are enough.
It can be incredibly hard to find these things when you are in a relationship, good or bad.
A few years ago, I met an amazing man who taught me what it really means to love.
It was only later that I realized that he wasnt the problem I was.
I was too selfish and immature to ever create the relationship I desired.
So, think of being single as a choice.
A choice to prepare yourself for better things to come.
It isnt what you have or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about it.
Dale Carnegie
This article was originally published onPS I Love You.
