“You’re not pretty enough to get away with being that stupid.”
1.Stupid people can believe in anything, so you’ve got the option to believe in yourself!
3.I was once told I was more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
Felix Rostig
4.Somewhere in France, a cathedral is missing a gargoyle.
5.If Mr. Rogers was your neighbor, hed move.
6.Youre like a lighthouse in the middle of a desert; Bright, but not a lot of use.
7.Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isnt it?
8.A young girl asked me if I had Chicken Pox due to my acne.
9.The best Ive ever heard is, Everyone that has ever loved you was wrong.
10.Youre less a person and more a loose collection of personality flaws.
11.Youre not pretty enough to get away with being that stupid.
12.The world is a better place when youre asleep.
13.Apologize to that tree over there for wasting the oxygen that it worked so hard to make.
14.I died when I heard a kid say, You look like you came from a donation pile.
15.This is why everyone talks about you behind your back.
16.You will have a sparsely attended funeral.
17.A friend once said I was not being the person Mister Rogers knew I could be.
18.Youre no trial and all error.
19.Do you have life insurance?
Congratulations, you are objectively worth more dead than alive.
20.I hope every single light is red on your way home today.
No,all week!
21.What color was the crayon you used on your software?
22.Youre the patient 0 of dumbness arent you?
23.I hope you get run over by a parked car.
24.A nun once told me Jesus would absolutely despise you.
I was in kindergarten and didnt know what despise meant.
25.See, this right here.
The world will be a little bit better when youre gone.
26.Are you going out looking like that?
After having worked hard on my hair/makeup/outfit.
29.I was having a conversation with my wife on one occasion, and I asked her a question.
She responded with I dont know, I wasnt listening.
You stopped saying things of value two sentences ago.
30.A toddler once told mysister,I like your mustache while gently poking her upper lip.
31.Bob Ross would call you a mistake.
32.Youre not even your Moms favorite child.
He was an only child.
33.Retake the picture so I can be in it.
Itll look a lot better my younger sister when I was taking a selfie.
34.The only culture you have is bacteria.
35.You sneeze like a squirrel.
36.Daddy, you are boring, and you have stinky feet.
I swear I want that on my tombstone.
38.May you be living proof that man can endure anything.
39.I was called a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake… harsh.
40.The worst thing about your guitar playing is that you dont know how bad you are at it.
My jaw dropped and she immediately started apologizing.
I actually thought it was kinda funny, but I still tease her about it some times.
42.Its impossible to underestimate you.
Best one Ive heard so far, called out in a dead silent office:
Dylan,
Yeah what?
Im going to invite your mum out for dinner and then not turn up.
Because it must haven taken years of training for anyone to be this useless.
You clearly got the Masters Degree.
Id never met or seen this man before in my life.
He apparently thought I was somebody else in the IT office, and just decided to lay into me.
45.I wish you were a speed bump for my tricycle.
From my sister when we were 4 or 5.
46.Someone called me a crunchy lizard once, in reference to my hair gel.
I asked why that was a bad thing.
She said, A crunchy lizard isnota happy lizard.
47.Not me, but my wife.
My wifes father died about twelve years ago from cancer.
Im going to move them here once the school year ends.
My little girl walked into the room and asked to use the computer.
After this song is over, my wife replied.
Its a sad song, my little girl observed.
I feel a little sad today.
Why are you sad, Mommy?
Is it because your dad is dead and your husband left?
Its since become a running family joke.
48.That quote from full metal jacket always gets me good.
Your parents have any kids that lived?
I bet they regret that.
Thats a funnier joke.
50.Me : What are you doing on Friday?
Girl: Im washing my hair.
(Oblivious) Me: So what about Saturday?
Girl: Ill think of something.
