Many of these funny one liners are from legendary comedians.
Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one liners.
Just some very funny summations from some very funny people, all told in one line.
Many of these funny one liners are from legendary comedians.
Others are from random or unknown people.
Enjoy laughing out loud to all these hilarious one liners.
Demetri Martin
2.What is worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles Unknown
3.Ive moved past threesomes.
Im now into foursomes.
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If someone backs out, then youve still got a threesome.
If two people back out, youre still having sex.
Mitch Hedberg
5.Its sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Unknown
7.My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Unknown
8.I have 3 kids and no money, why I cant I have no kids and 3 money.
Unknown
10.I think its wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright
11.My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
Well see about that.
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Stewart Francis
12.The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Unknown
15.When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Unknown
Fun, Funny One Liners And Puns
Show everyone you have a great sense of humor.
Make them smile with your witty jokes and puns!
The problem is no one runs in your family.
Unknown
17.When you look like I do, its hard to get a table for one at chuckee cheese.
Zach Galifianakis
18.I dont want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
19.My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish.
She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
Steven Wright
21.I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.
Unknown
22.My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.
Jimmy Carr
23.Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls wont touch anything thats not at least 15% off.
Unknown
24.The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
Unknown
25.Sit on my lap and well talk about the first thing that pops up.
Unknown
26.It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Jack Handy
28.I told him to be himself, that was pretty mean I guess.
Roger Sterling
29.I have a friend.
He keeps trying to convince me hes a compulsive liar, but I dont believe him.
Unknown
32.Does my wife think Im a control freak?
I havent decided yet.
Stewart Francis
33.You know what this shirts made out of?
Unknown
34.I have a lot of growing up to do.
I realized that the other day inside my fort.
They lie about marijuana: Marijuana makes you unmotivated.
When youre high, you’re free to do anything you normally do just as well.
You just realize its not worth the fucking effort.
Bill Hicks
36.Who has connections to Connecticut?
Thats where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.
Patrice ONeal
37.Onions make me sad.
A lot of people dont realize that.
Mitch Hedberg
38.I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
39.I am originally from Indiana.
I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana mafia.
Jim Gaffigan
40.I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless.
I said Its nice to see so many bums on seats.
When girls go wild, they show their tits.
When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
Louis CK
42.I taught Sunday School for two years.
And I got fired.
I abused my authority.
Woody Allen
44.Thirty ways to shape up for summer.
Number one: eat less.
Two: exercise more.
Three: what was I talking about again?
Maria Bamford
45.Im on a whiskey diet…Ive lost three days already.
Doug Benson
47.Theres no such thing as addiction, theres only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
Doug Stanhope
48.I dont worry about terrorism.
I was married for two years.
Richard Pryor
50.The liberals can understand everything but people who dont understand them.
George Carlin
52.Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups.
The very first one will say, Jesus!
This cup is expensive!'
Number two is death.
Death is number two.
Does that sound right?
Jerry Seinfeld
56.The people voting for the Oscars are so old.
I havent seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.
