“Had a patient come in with a coconut up his ass.”
When we did the X-ray, we saw Barbie.
steedlemeister
NOT A DOCTOR BUT WORKED FOR AN AMBULANCE COMPANY.
Flickr /dabravo
Firefighters and Paramedics were trying their best to not laugh.
He never gave an excuse.
All he said was… it wasfrozenwhen it went in.
Flickr /dabravo
LOL the fish thawed up his ass and the scales made it so he couldnt pull it back out.
He ended up needing ass surgery to remove the fish.
At this point no one can keep from laughing and everyone except the patient loses their composure.
PMme__YOURthoughts
Shaving cream can.
Not a small one.
He didnt have an excuse… And he was rather proud of himself.
He asked for a copy of the X-ray.
Flared ends, people.
Me: so youve got a golf ball up there?
Him: yeah but thatll come out easy.
Its the cue ball in there that I need you to get out for me.
icouldntquitreddit
He said that hed heard that mangos are good for hemorrhoids.
He did the only logical thing when armed with this informationmango up the butt.
It required Wrigley forceps to get it out.
You just dont go from 0 to mango.
Like whole way up there, nothing dangling.
This all happened in Scotland strange people, and I guess very open to sharing.
More info on that if you fancy?
Tl:dr dont drink with Scots, and careful of that weird butthole wink.
cartmans_balls
Not me, but my friend told me this story.
Apparently, he was moving very carefully, because she determined that he likely had something in his ass.
When they did an X-ray, they saw a stack of Legos in this mans colon.
Complete with a little Lego person at the top, with his little Lego arm sticking up.
I got her son some Megablox for his birthday shortly after this.
GenericName21
So my mother is a radiographer.
She once X-rayed a guy who had an entire, unbroken lightbulb up his ass.
It was taped to a stick, and when they removed it, it had a condom over it.
He told them he was gardening and fell down onto a cucumber.
He was also insisted that the staff not tell his wife about his hospital visit.
-eons-
Father is a surgeon…guy came in with a whole wrapped Pepperidge Farms summer sausage stuck inside.
Turns out this happened the night of the hospital Christmas party.
So before the party, Dad runs to the Pepperidge Farm booth at the mall and buys another sausage.
Finally, the story of the guy with an entire set of billiard balls up his ass.
People are weird (:
malelder
Friend of a friend is an EMT.
Turned out to be a fifteen-year-old boy with a large tree branch stuck in his butt.
He had been experimenting, he made a terrible judgment call, and then he had to call 911.
He didnt even bring the branch inside, just did it in the yard.
Which is where they found him, naked from the waist down.
He told them hed been trying to get an all-over tan and the tree fell on him.
The EMTs politely pretended that this wasnt the dumbest excuse theyd heard all year.
The kid was fine.
EDIT FOR THOSE ASKING IF THE KID WAS ATTACKED OR RAPED: probably not.
Which is the first time Ive ever heard doctors orders as, hey buy your child a dildo.'
One was able to come out but the other they had to take to the OR.
Once they realized they couldnt take it out with force had to surgically initiate the guy.
Patient almost ended up with a colostomy due to the damage he caused.
That X-ray was interesting.
One of responsibilities was to take all sorts of things from surgery to pathology.
Anyway, we had a new hire who was super stoked to receive his first item from surgery.
So the alarms go off one day and he jumps up I GOT IT!
and the excitement on his face was palpable.
and drops the meat tube on the ground.
Poor bugger, what are the chances.
Most impressive bit was he walked to the ambulance.
He walked like a bow-legged cowboy…. We took a guy to hospital because he has six small plastic model horses stuck up his butt.
The ER doctors described his condition as stable.
kelpielab
A friend of mine works in the ER.
chibrage
Not a doctor, but a friend of mine recently had a stick break off in his ass.
We lit it and the force propelled him into an awkward stumble.
They were able to pull it out thankfully.
mitbman
My fiancees dad is a gastroenterologist.
He jumped out and slipped, falling onto amedium-sized Yankee candle.
Had to go under to getthis thing out.
He said he fell over it and was super embarrassed.
Surely he couldve done with a vegetable or anything else but no!
He went straight for the mother of Jesus!
Nursingftw
We were exchanging stories the other night at work (OB Nurses).
And one of my colleagues was an ER nurse before moving to OB.
Her favorite was a guy that came in with a billiard ball up his butt.
She said your pants were down while changing the tire?
He was adamant thats what happened.
sak5173
Saw this one in surgery.
Patient presented with a huge mass of plastic in their butt, about 5 inches across.
It took myself and another scrub tech with four pairs oftheseto drag it out.
We had them in the OR in case removing it perforated the rectum.
We carefully dissected it because this thing looked super sketchy.
Explanation: I fell on it.
__redline
This my favorite story to tell in public.
First, this happened when I was working in the OR a few years back.
I worked at a fairly large American Military hospital.
We had this Air Force guy come into our ER late in the evening.
So they sent him to radiology for an X-ray to see if there was anything there…
This Airmen had a 24-inch, double-ended ribbed black dildo stuck in his ass.
It was all coiled up like a fucking snake.
Were massaging on this guys stomach, trying to edge the dildo back toward his asshole.
And one of our nurses says fuck it.
Shoulder length glove, lots of lube and she starts fisting this guy on the table.
Shes probably elbow deep in this guys ass when she said she got it and pulls it out.
Me being me, I had to know what happened.
So I go in and ask the guy what the events leading up to the incident were.
It just got sucked up in.
Tl:Dr I aint even know how to explain this.
FrozeNightmares
Weve had a guy with an entire apple lodged in his rectum.
In case you were wondering, the X-ray shows the seeds, it looks like a core.
Apparently, she has done this before as a prank, but it had not gotten stuck before.
His wife was at his bedside to corroborate the story.
SMURGwastaken
Not me, but cousin is an ER nurse.
A guy came in with 4 tennis balls up his ass.
Said it was an accident, he just fell and they went in.
All of these people required surgery.
ThisIsAnuStart
So, I am an EM doc.
When I was questioning him, I asked him why he did it.
Unfortunate part is that I couldnt get it out, so colorectal surgery took him to the OR.
They couldnt get it out too, so they had to open him up to get it out.
I hope he learned his lesson and found a better way to come to terms with his loneliness.
Another colleague working in the Peds ED had a teenager who put his moms dolphin shaped vibrator up there.
The guy was pretty straight forward and admitted his wife out it there.
The problem was getting it out without it shattering.
Ideally you dont want to open up someones abdomen for something in the rectum.
But trying to get it out of the anus might shatter it.
IronBatman
My friends mother was an ER nurse.
Her mom reported that it didnt surprise her the dog bit his balls off.
This girl shoved a small road cone up her minge.
It got stuck and she damaged her cervix.
One lady, about 40 liked shoving chopsticks up herself to stab her cervix because she liked bleeding.
Wtf is wrong with people??
GreyhoundMummy
Had a 65-year-old fella come in one night complaining of rectal pain.
Constipation or thrombosed hemorrhoid, right?
On rectal exam, we found the tip of a carrot.
Yes, the skinny end of those 8-inch-long cartoon carrots with the leaf on top and everything.
He tells me he wants me to be there while the doctor interviews him for moral support.
The doctor asks him very politely How did this object get there?
Cue me bursting out laughing while the doctor tries to hold it together.
So, naked, he sets about washing the dishes.
Turns out some of them werereallydirty though, so he had to scrub pretty vigorously.
This of course leads to him splashing soapy water all over himself, the floor, and his shopping.
Gravity and momentum being what it is, the jar obviously went up his derriere.
So he had to get it out.
Which he attempted by unscrewing it and sticking ascrewdriverup there.
Fast-forward 30 mins, and hes in the hospital.
Guess thats what happens when you gobristles first.
Worked in an ER for 5.
The most impressive one I ever saw was a whole, intact, bottle of hydrogen peroxide.
The kind you pick up from big box stores.
He told us he was on ecstasy and it felt so good on drugs.
He put some thought into getting it out by tying a string around the neck of the bottle.
It was both hilarious and sad.
But I felt worse for the ER resident that had to put him in stirrups to manually retrieve it.
orphanmeat34
Anesthesiologist checking in.
He had put it up there for kicks (obviously), which he eventually admitted.
Once the patient was anesthetized, the surgeons went to work.
They tried using all kinds of instruments, but nothing would work.
Suddenly, his face changed and you could see something give a little.
He said, Guys, can I just ask you all one question?
One of my favorite stories from the OR.
Apparently he was gardening and fell backwards onto it.
Yeah, sure you did… but it gets better.
The entire ward was crying with laughter about it behind closed doors.
moonchild165
I have a few.
A guy came in with a butternut squash up there BIG END FIRST.
Apparently he comes in every year around the same time with something new and exciting lodged inside himself.
Second one is even weirder.
It was dead of course.
But it cant have been dead going in.
SparkyMcKenzie
A jar of jelly.
Smuckers grape to be exact.
To this day, I do not eat that brand.
Older guy (mid-late 50s), small peanut butter jar in the pooper.
Said he fell in the tub and landed on it.
Never bothered to mention why a small peanut butter jar was in the tub though.
TL;DR There might be a serial hairspray can rapist on the loose in Texas.
He had left it in there for three days before going to the ER.
What the fucking fuck.
ASK_ME_IF_IM_FO_REAL
Not a doctorb (the B is for bargain!
Insists its not what it looks like.
This is his story:
Got home from the supermarket with bags of shopping.
Realizes hes locked his keys inside the house.
Luckily, theres a small window above the front door!
So he sets the shopping down and attempts to climb through the window.
reptilyan
Had a patient come in with a coconut up his ass.
He was nothing but straight up about it.
The handles snapped and the coconut stayed in his ass.
For three days he tried to get it out before admitting defeat.
Not a small russet potato, but a four-inch fucking potato.
Apparently the patient liked to shove things up his butt, and this one apparently just was too big.
Here are a few that stand out.
One case, the GI lab had a man with an empty Corona bottle stuck in his rectum.
He claimed that he fell on it at a party.
Another case, a man came in with an apple stuck in his anus.
Like one of those roast pigs except the apple was in his anus, instead of his mouth.
The RNs and Physicians nicknamed him Adam for obvious reasons.
I believe his excuse was that he fell while gardening.
My favorite case, however, was when a gentleman came in with a small propane (butane?)
tank lodged in his rectum.
He had to be moved to another hospital that was better equipped to deal with such situations.
titchard
Amputee with his prosthetic hand in the wrong place.
Poor soul, so much bad luck.
