Gaslighting is essentially psychological warfare, causing the victims of malignant narcissists to continually question their own reality.
By
Updated 1 year ago,January 16, 2024
Gaslighting, explained.
How do you convince someone that something theyknowto be true isnt?
In other words, a lie that is repeated long enough eventually can be seen as the truth.
They will repeat falsehoods so often that they become ingrained in the victims mind as unshakeable truths.
What is Gaslighting?
He isolates her so that she is unable to seek support for the terror she is experiencing.
Gaslighting has become a well-known term in the abuse survivor community, particularly for the survivors ofmalignant narcissists.
Gaslighting provides malignant narcissists with a portal to erase the reality of their victims without a trace.
Mar Newhall
It is a method that enables them to commit covert psychological murder with clean hands.
Is Gaslighting Intentional?
One might wonder: isallgaslighting intentional?
After all, weve all had experiences where weve inadvertently invalidated someones experience without meaning to.
Perhaps we lacked enough information about the matter.
Maybe we were defensive about being right.
Or, we just didnt agree with their interpretation of events.
Narcissists are like Teflon; nothing sticks.
They dont take responsibility.
Mar Newhall
They make up complex excuses and can rationalize anything.
Dr. Durvasula,Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist
Beliefs, after all, are immensely powerful.
They have the power to create division, build or destroy nations, end or start wars.
How Does Gaslighting Unfold?
It is in the victim seeking validation and approval from the gaslighter that the danger begins to unfold.
Gaslighting is essentially psychological warfare, causing a victim to habitually question himself or herself.
Diana thinks shes met the one Robert is generous, kind, supportive and funny.
They become enamored with each other quickly and move in together shortly after their one-year anniversary.
Roberts usual warmth and affection begins to wane.
After several months, Diana notices that he has more become inexplicably cold and withdrawn.
Diana recognizes that Robert is not only taking her for granted, but taking advantage of her.
He accuses her of not trusting him.
He calls her horrible names.
He threatens to leave and never come back.
In the midst of her despair, she begins to wonder if shes been too hard on him.
He does come back, but the cycle only continues.
Despite her attempts to uncover the truth, she starts to wonder if she reallyisbeing paranoid.
Maybe it really is her fault that he is distancing himself.
Maybe he just needs time to unwind.
This is just the beginning.
Why Does Gaslighting Work So Well?
Do you see whats wrong with this picture?
Gaslighting lets the perpetrator off the hook while the victim is left picking up the pieces and then some.
Why do survivors believe in gaslighters?
As a result, she instead invested more unfortunately, risking the loss of her own sense of self.
As gaslighting continues, however, it wears down the victim.
Dr. George Simon, who specializes in the character disordered, writes:
Gaslighting victims question their judgment.
They can even come to question their very sanity.
Crafty covert-aggressors know how to make you doubt.
In your gut you feel theyre trying to play you.
But they can have you feeling like youre a fool for thinking so.
They can even have you questioning whats real and what isnt.
Dr. George Simon,Gaslighting Victims Question Their Sanity
To summarize: why does gaslighting work?
Here are some ways in which gaslighting can show up in toxic relationships:
1.
Perhaps the most popular form of gaslighting occurs in the art of the blatant denial.
Unfortunately, this form of gaslighting also preys on a sense of hope just as it does uncertainty.
These occur when a victim bonds with someone who is destructive to him or her.
You are bracing yourself against further hurt.
A guarantee of more hurt.
Yet the more we invest, the more we inevitably risk.
Shaming and Emotional Invalidation.
I cant believe you would think that of me.
Why are you bringing up the past?
You really cant let go of things, can you?
Or why did she come back to my place, if she didnt want to have sex?
Shaming is powerful because it taps into the deepest core wounds of childhood.
An expert gaslighter can even drive his or her victim tosuicide.
Gaslighting in Conversations
What does gaslighting look like in day to day conversations?
Whether these lies are seemingly innocuous or potentially damaging, they can overwrite existing perceptions.
You flirted with that guy.
I am such a nice guy/girl.
I treat you so well.
I told you, I was at work.
you’re gonna wanna stop with these baseless accusations.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Minimizing the impact or severity of the abuse.
Youre making a mountain out of a molehill.
I didnt hurt you that badly.
Youre just being a crybaby.
Theres barely a scar.
I didnt raise my voice.
Youre just misinterpreting things.
So what if I cursed?
Are you a child?
Do I have to censor myself?
Common examples include:
Youre just so sensitive.
You take everything so seriously!
Youre always causing trouble.
You just love drama.
This might look like:
I am done discussing this.
I am not going to argue with you, this is pointless.
This conversation is not going anywhere.
That doesnt even warrant a response.
The fact that youre accusing me of that says a lot more about you than it does me.
They may say things like, I dont remember that.
Are you sure youre remembering that correctly?
even if the event just happened a few moments ago.
or Are you off your meds?
Other common phrases include:
You really have some issues.
it’s crucial that you learn how to trust people.
God, youre crazy.
you should probably calm down and think about this.
Youre blowing everything out of proportion, as usual.
Malignant narcissists are prone to recruiting what the survivor community refers to asflying monkeysto agree with their perspective.
Isnt Laura being paranoid?
They may say things like, We just dont get along, or Were just too different.
Healing from Gaslighting
Healing from gaslighting can take time and support.
Consult trusted outsiders to do some much needed reality testing.
Keep a journal of incidents that occurred and how they made you feel.
Separate the reality of your experiences from the claims of your abuser.
It made me feel so degraded and small when he did it again without any apologies.
When I called him out, he insisted I was being hypersensitive.
But the reality is, Ive asked him many times to stop and hes disrespected my wishes.
He continues to violate me and disregards my feelings.
It seems my feelings dont matter to him at all.
This narrates the experience without giving in to the gaslighting attempts of the abuser.
It reframes the experience to recall the victims feelings during the interactions and to address what rights were violated.
Gaslighting FAQs
Common questions about the term gaslighting and gaslighting abuse.
Questioning their memory, emotional stability and/or competence.
Bringing in a third party/the triangulation maneuver.
Gaslighting in relationships is quite common.
But it is not considered domestic abuse according to laws.
They are living in an altered reality that may be hard for you to comprehend.
The warning signs of gaslighting are the following.
Questioning their memory, emotional stability and/or competence.
Bringing in a third party/the triangulation maneuver.
These are considered red flags.
Whether it is done with malicious intent or unwitting naivete, gaslighting bears dangerous consequences when it goes unchallenged.
Gaslighting has the power to shape and rewrite our reality.
Shahida Arabi is the author ofPower: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.
: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
