George Carlin quotes are hilarious.
Carlin was a New York City-based stand-up comedian, social critic, writer, and actor.
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Updated 4 years ago,January 22, 2021
George Carlinquotes are hilarious.
Over time, though, his success grew.
Its so fuckin heroic.
George Carlin
If you venture to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that.
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George Carlin
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it?
Whats that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first; get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when youre too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until youre young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
George Carlin
I dont have pet peeves I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
George Carlin
Some people see the glass half full.
Others see it half empty.
I see a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be.
George Carlin
Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
George Carlin
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
George Carlin
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
George Carlin
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
George Carlin
Dont sweat the petty things and dont pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Dont just teach your children to read…Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.
George Carlin
Theres a humorous side to every situation.
The challenge is to find it.
George Carlin
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
George Carlin
George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity
The planet is fine.
The people are fucked.
And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
Men are from Earth; women are from Earth.
George Carlin
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
George Carlin
Were so self-important.
Everybodys going to save something now.
Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.
And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet.
Save the planet; we dont even know how to take care of ourselves yet.
Im tired of this shit.
George Carlin
Never argue with an idiot.
They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.
But He loves you.
He loves you, and He needs money!
He always needs money!
Hes all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just cant handle money!
George Carlin
Thats why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and its called thinking.
And apparently, Im not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin
Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State…
These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope.
I just dont have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
Now, theres one thing you might have noticed I dont complain about: politicians.
Everybody complains about politicians.
Everybody says they suck.
Well, where do people think these politicians come from?
They dont fall out of the sky.
They dont pass through a membrane from another reality.
This is the best we can do, folks.
This is what we have to offer.
Its what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out.
If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to get selfish, ignorant leaders.
So, maybe, maybe, maybe, its not the politicians who suck.
Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public.
Yeah, the public sucks.
Theres a nice campaign slogan for somebody: The Public Sucks.
F*ck Hope.
George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president.
George Carlin
How can He be perfect?
Everything He ever makes…dies.
God has a three-day weekend.
It creates a hostile work environment.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
Scratch any cynic, and you will find a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland.
They should be more vivid.
Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
George Carlin
How is it possible to have a civil war?
George Carlin
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backward.
George Carlin
I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
Meow means woof in cat.
George Carlin
When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show.
When youre born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
Isnt making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section?
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Weve learned how to make aliving, but not alife.
Weve addedyearstolifenotlife to years.
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.
When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts.
It will not be with jack-boots.
George Carlin
I dont like ass kissers, flag wavers, or team players.
I like people who buck the system.
What you should tell them is, Maybe not.
But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity.'
Avoid teams at all costs.
Keep your circle small.
Never join a group that has a name.
If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk.
But dont participate; it will be your death.
And if they tell you youre not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.
George Carlin
