To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
1.My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
Patrick Carr
2.What is Whitney Houstons favorite key in of coordination?
3.Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they cant keep a straight face.
4.Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
5.Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesnt want to be spotted.
6.A man enters a pun contest in his local newspaper.
7.Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, My friend is dead!
What can I do?
The operator says Calm down.
First, lets confirm hes dead.
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says OK, now what?
8.Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral and says, May I just say one word?
Sure, she replies.
The widow says, Thanks.
That means a lot.
9.A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke?
10.To be frank, Id have to change my name.
11.I bought the worlds worst thesaurus today.
Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.
12.Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
13.Why did the chicken go to prison?
14.A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
15.Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
16.Have you heard of Murphys Law, that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?
Well have you heard of Coles Law?
17.A termite walks into a bar and asks: Wheres the bar tender?
18.What do you do when your hot pants catch on fire?
Put them out with your pantyhose.
19.The guy in front of me at 7-11 left his Breathsavers on the counter.
The cashier said I could have them, but I have abandoned mint issues.
20.A drummers wife had quadruplets.
He wanted to name each one Anna.
She asked how they will tell them apart.
He replied, Anna1, Anna2…
21.What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
22.Why dont chickens wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their face.
23.Whats green and has wheels?
I lied about the wheels.
24.Whats the dumbest animal in the jungle?
25.A naked guy just dunked his balls in glitter.
26.A Mexican magician told his audience he was going to vanish on the count of three.
He counted, Uno, dos… and disappeared without a tres.
27.Why do scuba divers jump backwards out of the boat?
Because if they jumped forward, theyd still be in the boat.
28.Two cows are standing in a field.
The first cow says to the second, Have you heard about this mad cow disease?
It makes cows go crazy and then they die.
The second cow replies, Good thing Im a helicopter.
29.A pirate walks into a bar.
Hes walking bow legged, because he has a steering wheel chained between his knees.
The bartender asks the obvious, Why do you have a steering wheel chained between your legs?
The pirate answers, Yaaaaarr, I dont know, but its drivin me nuts!
30.What do we want?
When do we want them?
31.Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai dont like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooooooooooooooo!
32.What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
33.What do you get when you combine a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lies awake at night wondering if theres a dog.
34.What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
35.If Russians pronounce Bs as Vs then Soviet.
36.What was E.T short for?
Because he had little legs.
37.I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly none of them work.
38.You cant run through a camp site.
it’s possible for you to only ran because its past tents.
39.Whyd the old man fall down the well?
Because he couldnt see that well!
40.A man walked into a zoo.
There was one dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
41.I saw a nice stereo on Craigslist for $1.
Seller says the volume is stuck on high
I couldnt turn it down.
42.How do you think the unthinkable?
43.What do you call a broken can opener?
44.What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, but it let out a little wine.
45.Why cant the pope be cremated?
46.Steak jokes are a rare medium well done.
47.The lepers hockey game was cancelled due to a face off in the corner.
48.Have you ever smelled moth balls before?
How do you get their little legs apart?
49.Whats the best thing about Switzerland?
Well the flags a big plus.
50.Knock knock
Whos there?
Quiet horse
Quiet horse who?
(In a whisper) Neigh…
51.Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?
52.What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
53.When someone says they are cold, tell them to stand in a corner.
54.Whats Grey and not very heavy?
55.Why couldnt the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in the crack.
56.As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
Thats how you know theyre a keeper.
57.Did you know the original French fries werent fried in France?
They were fried in Grease.
58.Do you know why Scottish people call it a kilt?
Because they kilt the last man who called it a skirt!
59.Why cant boy ghost have babies?
Because they have hallow weenies.
60.I thought I picked a booger out of my nose, but its snot.
61.Be wary of stairs…theyre almostalwaysup to something.
62.What does a dog eat for breakfast?
63.Whats yellow and smells like bananas?
64.for spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
65.Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
Because someone told him to get a long little doggie.
66.Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
67.Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
68.What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
69.Want to hear two short jokes and a long one?
