What about me screams temporary?
What about me screams temporary?
I experienced my first heartbreak and my first deception all at once.
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I was blindsided, and I was devastated.
I was left alone and broken while he was happier than he had ever been.
At the age of sixteen, I learned just how easy it was to leave a person like me.
A person whose heart is both too open and too cold.
Sometimes it feels like I am less of a person and more of a wishing well.
And maybe this is where my problem lies.
I have always allowed others to use me to better themselves.
Maybe I am too passive.
Maybe I am boring.
Maybe my emotions are just too much to handle.
I am quiet, and I am shy.
But I am also opinionated and stubborn.
I am a storm, but I am also sunshine.
I can be the worlds best listener, but I can also tell stories for days.
I am everything all at once, and sometimes, I think, I am just too much.
For a long time, I was so open and so willing to meet new people.
I wanted so badly to be in another relationship, and I was still so naive.
I continued to date, and I continued to be left behind.
My date to the senior prom was the second major heartbreak I experienced in my life.
He was a sweet boy who made me laugh and who put it in real effort to see me.
Again, I was devastated.
Again, I was alone and left wondering, why?
Why is it so much easier to leave me than it is to just talk about our problems?
Am I so unimportant that my absence in someones life is hardly any absence at all?
How can people who meant so much to me just leave and move on so easily?
Why am I always the one who is left behind?
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
Until the day I met him.
We had an instant attraction, and I felt more alive than I had in a very long time.
Finally, someone wanted to be with me.
Someone finally wanted to stay.
I thought I had finally found my perfect relationship.
But what I had really found was my perfect hell.
He would disappear for days and expect me to just be okay with that.
Our relationship was a rollercoaster.
Things would be amazing, and then in an instant, everything would fall apart.
As the distance grew, so did my doubt.
No matter what I did, it was never enough for him.
I was never enough for him to stay, and yet, he would never fully let me go.
I was simultaneously being left and held down all at once.
I was always alone, even when he was right next to me.
I never went back to him again, but the lessons he taught me will be with me forever.
No matter how much you do to have a go at make things right, everyone always leaves.
And then, when I least expected it, I met someone.
I had never met someone who understood me and accepted me like he did.
We were different, yet also so similar.
For the first time in a long time, I was happy.
I was learning to live in the moment and take every chance that life threw my way.
For once, I knew exactly why someone would be leaving.
It was not me.
It was a factor beyond my control.
I was finally enough for someone to want to stay.
I should have known that the ending I dreamed up in my head for us would never actually happen.
I should have known that leaving would still hurt, even if I knew it was coming.
But I never could have predicted the way he left.
First, I noticed the distance.
Then, I found out the truth.
And like that, he was gone.
He left me after I thought we had cleared the air and made our peace.
He left me just as I thought things could finally go back to normal between us.
He left me just as quickly as he had come into my life.
And he erased me from his life.
I thought I already knew what heartbreak felt like.
I thought I knew how to put my broken pieces back together and move on.
But this one, this one broke me in a way that I had never felt before.
I dont think I had ever truly been in love until I met him.
I knew that the way I felt around him was something special.
I finally understood what it meant to love and be loved in return.
And then I lost it all.
The one person I thought would be in my life forever left me more easily than anyone ever had.
The only person I have ever truly loved did everything he could to get away from me.
That kind of heartbreak burrows itself into your chest, and it makes a home there.
It spreads its roots, and it gets comfortable.
It wants you to know exactly what you lost and exactly why you lost it.
This ache has made a home in me, and these past two years have been so fucking lonely.
Every cup of coffee, every word of poetry, they all lead me back to him.
Every day is now a constant reminder of how easy it is to leave a person like me.
