By
Updated 11 months ago,May 31, 2024
My alarm goes off.
I roll over in my groggy half-asleep state to snooze it for another 30 minutes.
Im tired, because last night I stayed up too late surfing through the web.
Daria Shevtsova
30 minutes go by.
Before my alarm can go off, pure panic jolts me from my slumber.
My heart beats as fast as a hummingbirds.
Did I like the dream?
Anxiously, I tremble underneath my sheets.
I review the images from the dream trying to make sense of them.
Why cant I tell?
Now if this is the first exposure youve had to sexual-orientation OCD, this may seem strange.
This kind of OCD isnt talked about due to its graphic sexual content.
However, thousands of people around the world suffer from it.
I have what is called Pure O Intrusive Thought Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
What a name, I know.
It is a mental illness comprised of sticky intrusive thoughts that cause me great distress every day.
These intrusive thoughts are common.
Many people have them.
However, for me, it is next to impossible to let them go.
I cant let the thought go until Im 100% sure they arent true.
The theme of someones OCD always attacks what matters most to them.
Because this want is so great, my OCD latches on to it.
People on the LGTBQAI spectrum can also have sexual-orientation OCD that tries to convince them their sexuality has changed.
There are other themes as well.
Remember the intrusive thought about the knife?
Well, thats called Harm OCD.
People can also have more than one theme at a given time.
I have Relationship OCD too.
I finally get up to get ready for the day.
The clock reads 10:00.
I have to be in class at 10:50; Im already running late.
Why cant I stop obsessing?
Im such a horrible human being.
Still mulling this over, I make a beeline for the bathroom to take a quick shower.
As I terminate the door, the mental chatter starts again.
you oughta take a 10 minutes shower or else you wont make it to class.
Thanks, self, for the reminder.You know you liked the dream you know.
I turn on the bath and proceed to check my phone for the time.
He hasnt texted you back.
He loves her more than you.
I dont want to be thinking about this.
I let out a horses sign and strip down to step into the shower.
As I pass the mirror, I catch my reflection.
There are your boobs.
Do you like looking at boobs?
Are you attracted to your boobs?
I check my body for signs of arousal while replaying the image in my mind.
I cant tell what I want anymore.
I shampoo and lather.
An image of my ex and his new girlfriend pops up in my head.
Anxiety churns in my stomach.
I condition and lather.
How do you know you arent just gay and in denial?I angrily soap my body.
30 minutes later, I have barely made it to class.
Looking to my left, I notice that there is a girl sitting not too far from me.
Do you want to kiss her?
Look at her lips, they are so glossy.
You wouldnt be noticing that if you werent gay.I quickly avert my eyes and stare at the ground.
Her lips flash before my eyes for a minute.
Its just a thought.
It doesnt mean anything.
I pull out my notebook in an attempt to distract and self-soothe.
My professor puts his PowerPoint up on the projector and begins the lecture.
Today, we are learning about Neanderthals in Europe, he says.
Great, a topic that has no possible triggers.
I breathe a sigh of relief.
He switches to another PowerPoint slide.
A shockwave ripples down my body.
Look at her boobs!
If thats the case, no one lets on.
There are her boobs.
Boobs.I avert my eyes again.
My body doesnt seem to have any signs of arousal this time.
I check again and again.
I need to be sure that there is no chance I was turned on.
I feel like a crazy person.
You should just come out already.
Gay.I cant hear much of what my professor is saying even though I know its interesting.
The thoughts are just too damn loud.
Its 1:10, and Im back in the lecture hall for my second class.
Its a pretty big lecture hall with cushioned seats in rows.
I always sit in the middle because it has the best view of the board.
My friend *Layla comes and sits down next to me.
Its good to see her.
She chats with me about her weekend and then asks me about mine.
I didnt do much, I reply.
She looks so pretty today.
Do you want to kiss her?
Are you attracted to her as more than friends?I groan inwardly.
This is not the time for intrusive thoughts.
I just want to have an uninterrupted positive conversation with a friend.
Dutifully, I scan my body for arousal.
Is my vagina wet?
Thankfully *Layla supplies conversation.
Hows your cat doing?
*Layla asks me.
I answer somewhat enthusiastically Hes such a good fluff!
I am gay and attracted to you.
Im gay.I check my anxiety levels.Thats so good to hear.
Deep breaths Winter, deep breaths.
2:00 rolls around and class lets out.
*Layla and I part ways at the bus stop.
My apartment is so close that I usually just walk home.
The fresh air is nice after a long day of classes.
The familiar urge surges up within me.
Has someone with HOCD been falsely attracted to their friends before?
Are the feelings of attraction real?
Did I feel aroused when I was with her?
*Laylas face pops up into my head.
I imagine what it would be like to kiss her.
My whole body shudders.
I have to know for sure.
A sense of relief washes over me and I feel okay again, for the moment.
I make it home and plop myself down on the couch to watch some Parks and Rec.
Those three hours fly by too fast and its time to go into work.
I notice I havent had many thoughts since I read the article.
Its only a 10-minute walk from my apartment, but Im running late again.
My shift-lead *Ganesha is sitting in front of the computer.
They are looking very beautiful today.
Are you attracted to them?
Thats probably all thats happening.This time I dont need to google.
Its easier to focus on my work that when I know I have a job to do.
I go out on the floor and soon I fall into the rhythm of the cafe.
Hey Winter, its good to see you, my other coworker *Jane says to me.
Im happy to be here, I reply smiling.
*All names have been changed
