Anxiety is clinging to every mistake I made or havent made yet.
By
Updated 8 years ago,October 10, 2017
Im tired.
And my mom asks why Im always tired.
God & Man
You just woke up.
You just took a nap.
You went to bed early.
God & Man
Take vitamins she suggests.
I closed my door early.
I laid there staring at the ceiling.
I replayed every mistake I made that day.
Some call me overachieving.
But all I see is someone who only matters because of my success and without it Id be nothing.
Yes, Im tired but I dont know how to stop.
When the thought of failing anything leads to over-preparing so I dont.
When I associate happiness with success and achieving things Im never living in the moment.
I just think about the next big thing.
When someone says proud, I wish I could feel what they feel.
When someone compliments me then gives me constructive criticism I only hear the negative.
When the word perfect leads me to tears because I feel so far from it.
And I look at others wishing for what they have when they might be doing the same.
On the outside, I am calm and quiet.
Every looks at me like I have it all together.
But on the inside is constant chaos within me.
Like some storm and every wave that hits isdestroying memyself, only Im causing it.
So I stay quiet and pretend.
Because anxiety is about the art of deception.
Because I dont lose my shit over the bigs things I probably should.
But Im in tears screaming when my parents tell me they threw away something of mine.
I am my own worst critic and worst enemy.
Its the thoughts that never end.
My mind is in a million places at once and I give a shot to live in the moment.
I get mad at myself when I dont.
But its not easy for me to just be present.
I jump at any movement of my phone.
I constantly compare myself to others thinking I fall short, thinking Im in some competition.
Its every worst scenario coming to life.
I play it out inmy headjust so I know to respond to it.
Its the relationship that ends before it even begins.
Its a first date where I am so nervous about saying the wrong thing or saying too much.
Its the text message that doesnt get answered.
How can I make this right?
It would ruin my reputation and how I want people to perceive me.
Its the words Im sorry and friends dont even know why Im saying it.
But I havent forgiven myself.
Rereading it my head and my heart racing when I push send.
But in reality, its just you being paranoid.
I come off as unapproachable at work or school.
But Im just nervous.
Anxiety isnt just worrying.
Its this lifestyle no one would choose.
Yeah, Im tired.
But there isnt enough sleep to change the person I am.
There isnt enough sleep to change the chemistry in my brain.
There isnt enough sleep that can change waking up and suddenly not being this person anymore.
Im always going to care too much.
And I wish it could stop.
I just learn to try and live with it the best I can.
