By
Updated 3 years ago,February 2, 2022
(*) Hey!
(*) Want to study for this test together?
(*) Theres a reason I got in your golf car and not his out there.
Alf Santos
(*) Just sitting that close to you made me feel things I know I shouldnt.
When your hand grazed my leg, was it an accident?
I know its wrong to say I didnt want you to stop, but I met you first.
(*) Was it just me today or is something happening?
Can you feel it too?
(*) Im counting up all the reasons I shouldnt be thinking about kissing you.
Him and her dont seem to be enough.
(*) My parents are out of town.
If you came over, nobody would have to know.
(*) That kiss has wiped out the memory of every first kiss that ever came before it.
Pretty sure the ones that will come after it, too.
(*) Were both here now.
I am excited to be in the same college town as you.
(*) I wanted you to stay tonight.
(*) Next time dont fuck me and leave.
(*) You make me feel used.
(*) I thought you were my friend.
I thought you cared for me.
Youve really hurt me this time.
(*) I need to be held.
(*) I miss you.
I need someone to speak to.
(*) I feel like some dirty secret you keep.
(*) FUCK YOU.
(*) Thanks for being there for me last night.
It means more than you know.
(*) Youre one of my best friends.
(*) Do you think we could ever be more than friends who fuck?
(*) Shes insanely pretty.
(*) When you put your hands around my throat, how did you know?
(*) … FUCK.
I knew it was there.
(*) I wish you would have stayed.
(*) Listen to Gravity by Sara Bareilles.
(*) It was good seeing you today.
Im sorry I left so soon, I was afraid of what I might do.
I dont trust myself with you.
(*) Come over.
(*) Hows law school?
(*) Im visiting my parents this weekend.
Want to grab a drink?
I would be content with someone who commits themselves to me this way.
He wants to marry me, you know?
It would be so much simpler if I was someone else.
But no matter how much I play the part, I cant seem to become the role.
(*) I hate that were never single at the same time.
(*) You really love her, dont you?
Shes the only one youve ever stopped yourself for.
I hope you work out things between the two of you.
I want you to be happy.
(*) What does she have that I dont?
(*) I hate you.
In every way, I always come back to you.
(*) Im drinking Red Stripes.
(*) How have you been?
(*) Dont slide into my DMs when it’s possible for you to just text me.
(*) I miss you too.
(*) I love him.
Im still thinking of you.
(*) … Do you think about me too?
(*) You dont miss me.
Youre just bored now that shes gone.
(*) Are you going to welcome me back to Houston with a proper drink?
It doesnt matter where him and I stand.
(*) Last night I could sense you before I even saw you.
I turned around, and there you were, waiting for your drink and looking around for me.
It took me forever to strip myself of any feelings for you.
But one look from you, and you undo all of that, you beautiful fuck.
I was wet before you even sat down.
(*) I can still feel your palm on my jaw.
And Im still so fucking turned on.
(*) Wow.
Another one who was good enough when I wasnt to add to the list.
Theres a slight trembling in your voice and your body.
I love knowing I have some kind of power over you, too.
(*) Do you only want me when youre bored?
(*) You simultaneously worship and desecrate me.
In your hands Im holy.
I dont want to be anywhere else.
(*) I love you.
(*) I cant see you for a while.
Were getting back together.
We can still talk, though.
(*) Do you ever think about what it would be like between us?
(*) Will we ever learn to stay away from each other?
(*) I had missed your touch, your passion, your violence.
(*) Im so fucking nervous every time before seeing you.
I have to make myself take deep breaths.
I have to force myself to stop shaking.
But then Im with you, and it feels like coming home.
As much as it already hurts, I want you to give me more.
I want you to break skin.
I want a wound I can pick.
It aches when I want you and youre not here.
I want it to sting in all the places youve been, too.
Give me something tangible.
Give me something I can hold.
Make me bleed for you.
Next time, dont stop at the bruise.
(*) You cant just come back into my life and fuck my heart up.
(*) Play Is There Somewhere by Halsey.
(*) Do you mean what you said tonight?
(*) … Ive loved you for a long time.
(*) I believe youre my fate, too.
Ive never felt more alive than when you touch me.
When youre holding me, or were caressing each other, after, Im desperately clinging to you.
I was pleading for the moment to never end.
I was pleading for you not to be taken from me.
(*) Im sorry for the scratch.
Im sure its nothing you wont be able to explain away.
I guess on some level I wanted to draw blood.
I wanted to take something from you, too.
(*) … Maybe I wanted to take something from her, as well.
(*) That was the last time Ill ever see you, wasnt it?
(*) The way you are with me.
The way you speak to me.
The words you say.
The way you touch me.
Everything about you towards me is so vital and so direct.
You cut through all the bullshit.
You cut through all my bullshit.
(*) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
It wouldnt be respectful for me to sleep in the bed she lies in when she spends the night?
But fucking me perversely and mercilessly on it sits well with you?
(*) … Tonight, I felt like a whore.
And you know, I never thought there was shame in being one.
But tonight, after you practically asked me to leave, I felt like a worthless sex object.
(*) What does she have that I dont?
What have any of them had that you couldnt find in me?
(*) Can you kindly just stay gone?
(*) I just reread Siddhartha again.
xoxo, your Kamala
(*) I need you…
I need my friend.
Hes not that good of a guy.
Theres no one else I can talk to about this.
I dont know whats real and what isnt anymore.
I feel like my reality is skewed.
(*) I would never push your hand away like she did.
Ive wished for your hand to hold more times than I can count.
(*) Why does even JUST TALKING to you feel like Im cheating?
Do you feel like youre doing the same?
(*) I wrote a poem about you last night while he lay asleep in the next room.
(*) Some nights, I get into bed next to him and feel like I could die.
(*) Im in a big beautiful cabin in the Smoky Mountains.
The pantry is stocked with wine.
The view is unreal.
But everything feels so wrong because its not you with me here.
(*) Last night was everything Ive ever wanted any Christmas to be.
(*) … We could spend every Christmas together, if you wanted to.
(*) I told him I fell off a bike to explain the bruises.
I dont feel guilty at all.
(*) You dont want me because you cant have me.
You want me because Im yours.
(*) Youd never do something like that for me, would you?
Youd never bleed for me.
I guess thats the thing about lust versus guilt.
I guess thats the difference between wanting one thing and loving another.
(*) My leaving him had nothing to do with you, but this is our chance.
Weve fucked up time and time again, lets not let it slip away from us now.
This is me asking you to make the choice I never asked you to make.
Im asking you to choose me.
(*) Why did saying goodbye to you tonight feel like the last time?
(*) … To be honest, it always feels like that.
Its a kind of death to kiss you goodbye.
(*) I wish you would have asked me to stay the night.
I dont even remember what it feels like waking up next to you.
(*) Its 3 AM and Im on my bedroom floor wanting to just make everything stop.
You say youre always there for me.
But are you, really?
I cant text or call.
Not outside business hours.
(*) I guess its easier to miss me than it is to love me.
(*) Listen to Grey by EXES.
Then play it again.
(*) I swore Id never let you fuck me up again, but here we are.
(*) I feel like a mistress that doesnt get any of your dick or time.
(*) Come to Austin, Im here.
(*) Do you care about me at all?
(*) I know she doesnt deserve to have her heart broken.
But while youre busy protecting hers, youre breaking mine.
(*) Theres a couple at the park reading a book together while lying on each other.
Well never hold hands on the street or share food in a restaurant, will we?
Tonight I can feel it overflow and spilling out through my chest and fingers and eyes and toes.
I cant hold you within my skin.
I love you and it fucking hurts.
(*) I want you beyond caution or reason.
(*) You love me?
Just not enough to take me regardless of the consequences.
(*) I feel so empty today.
like come hold me just for a little while.
(*) Im spiraling.
(*) I cant have you in my life and not be with you.
(*) You cant reach me.
Your number is blocked.
(*) Im alone and stoned as fuck in Portland.
Wish you were here stoned with me.
(*) First year that you dont wish me a happy birthday in I dont know how long.
Theres a myriad of stars pulsing at this hour, you cant feel anything else out here.
Theyre everywhere, shining and twinkling, I swear I could pick one if I just reached.
I feel like Im floating somewhere on the edge of our solar system.
That everything was possible.
We are but a grain of sand.
Tiny, yet big in our own way.
I find it beautiful.
I find it terrifying.
Somehow, thats more terrifying.
Id like to think theres a world out there somewhere where youre stroking my hair in bed.
Id like to think of us in a parallel universe making love until we pass out.
hey tell me anything is possible.
(*) Happy New Year, love.
(*) Have you even noticed my absence?
(*) Do you ever think about me when youre drunk?
(*) I dyed my hair blonde today.
What do you think?
(*) … inserts selfie
(*) …
I guess I wanted to be something you didnt like.
I wanted to be someone you wouldnt recognize.
(*) Can you hear the thunder from where you are?
(*) Ive got to stop writing about you.
What is it that you want?
Is this you knocking on my door again?
Are you two having problems?
(*) Theyre playing Do I Wanna Know?
by Arctic Monkeys at this bar and I am hiding and trying not to cry in a bathroom stall.
(*) I know you meant everything.
I know you did.
I cant stop thinking of you, as much as I have tried.
kindly tell me its been hard for you, too.
Im begging you to kindly corrupt all decency for this love to be something we can live.
For you to rest your hand on the small of my back at a bar.
To hold my hand in the street.
Be selfish, yo.
I dont want us both to always mourn what could have been.
(*) I am covered in the shame of your indifference.
(*) Happy birthday.
I hope youre smiling, wherever you are.
(*) My birthday wish was you.
To have your hands on my body always.
This isnt a craving.
This isnt a fucking itch.
Its a metaphysical yearning that goes beyond all things.
(*) Do you still read my shit online and on Instagram?
(*) Your number has been unblocked for months now.
(*) Meet me in Denver.
(*) Im sitting at a window in a coffee shop in Denver.
Snow is starting to fall to the ground.
I suppose that answers my question I miss you at all times.
It would be nice to stand outside with you, catching snowflakes, for a little while.
I want to lean my head against something strong.
I want to be reminded of your scent.
(*) Youd love this bar.
(*) Fuck this.
Ill have you in my life anyway I can.
Cutting you out was a mistake.
Ive been so lonely since.
(*) I want to hurt you.
For all the things youve done.
For all the things you couldnt do.
For all the ways you continue to fuck me up from the other side of this continental divide.
(*) Do you ever miss me enough to drink about me?
To light up a cigarette?
(*) What does it feel like to have someone write all these words about you?
Can you feel her love, too?
(*) Maybe we can try being friends again.
Without any of the rest.
(*) Maybe I was meant to be left behind.
Maybe you were only ever meant to be my muse.
(*) Would you be open to meeting for coffee or a drink somewhere?
(*) Congratulations.
I heard about the house.
(*) Your life goes on without me in it, mine has to go on too.
(*) What do you remember about me?
