Maybe if I had known, I would have felt better.
Certainly, I would not have been pushing myself so hard to fit in.
By
Updated 6 years ago,January 4, 2019
I didnt know it could feel like this.
Kelsea Kosko
I dont know how I hoped it would be, either.
and I can also think of several people who will be actively hurt by what Ill say.
*
Im told that its a good day, a happy occasion.
It was a great thing, but the younger me wanted nothing of it.
Im embarrassing my parents when I dont accept peoples hugs.
I hate every minute of it.
I wish I could disappear.
Kids get away with a lot of stupid shit, and I was no exception.
I was rowdy, I was loud, I fought and bit people.
The times when I was messy and emotional werent the problem, though.
It was when I got quiet that the bad stuff happened.
Birthday parties were a strange thing.
People, I did not like so much.
the dread and irritation set in (all my friends are in one place!!!)
I lasted for as long as I could, before hiding in a room.
I wish I couldve disappeared.
Nobody talked about mental health when I was growing up.
The gatherings where I would try and be sociable, and nearly drown in my own awkwardness.
The nights out where I would give up and drink myself until I started crying from frustration and loneliness.
And whenever I got closer to realizing it, I made sure to forget it nice and quick.
Breaking point did not happen all at once.
I started crying in the middle of the street in the middle of a crowd loudly and embarrassingly.
I didnt have the words literally for what I felt, and so my body took over.
A nice stranger tried to see if I was okay.
I told him to fuck off.
I wished the ground would swallow me whole.
The next big one, Ive overdone it in the pub.
Im scared to go home alone.
I ask someone I have a crush on whether he can give me a ride home.
Im wondering the next day why he hasnt called yet.
The loneliness is choking me.
All around me, people talk, drink, and laugh.
I think people are used to me being a mess, though.
I was going to bow out early.
That doesnt happen this time.
My crush seems receptive this time.
I want to see what happens.
I hadnt had many kisses before that night.
I got plenty of kisses that night.
I also got told that, while he was flattered, he was also very taken.
There was a brief moment when I went oh!
and my stomach sank.
I knew it was too good to be true.
I knew something had to go wrong.
And I hope, in time, Ill be able to forgive myself for being that person, too.
