Alternative title: notes from my quarantine therapy sessions in no particular order.
In my now-adult relationships, I have two of these supposed lifetime friendships.
A while ago, I had a shouldve been a lifetime friendship end.
Thought.is
The details are juicy but honestly not important to the point Im trying to make.
And so this relationship, this should be a lifetime friendship, ended.
That connection is effectively gone and dead.
But thats the point of relationshipsromantic, platonic, and everything in betweenisnt it?
You choose to maintain them, to water them, to nourish them.
You choose to say that theyre important to you, even when its hard or uncomfortable.
But its ultimately, always, a choice.
Especially if one needed help with hiding a body.
2.Isnt it insane how every person on Earths hair smells entirely different?
I know they say smell is the strongest sense associated to memory.
Some people would collect dust, never to be touched again.
Some people Id revisit when I felt nostalgic, kind of the way a ghost checks in.
Yes, still undeniably leaning into this analogy in a way too much way.
That even if all you caught was a trace of them in the crowd, youd remember them immediately.
Itd all come back all at once and wash entirely over you.
The good, the bad, the unsaid and the rest.
Itd be right there, instantaneously.
And thats…well thats something.
3.I recently learned that both my life path number and my tarot card number are 22.
Its encouraging me to react to conflict with gentleness and diplomacy.
Its saying that I can turn my dreams and desires into reality.
I dont think I necessarily believe any of this.
But maybe 22 will prove me wrong.
Maybe theres some master building at work here, and I just havent been able to find it yet.
5.Thinking about dying to me is not scary.
Its a little oh shit but nothing really dramatic.
Sure the thought is maybe startling, a little off putting, a little jolt in the day.
But I dont find it panic inducing or really, well, scary.
All of this to say, death really doesnt freak me out.
What scares me is not mattering.
I dont feel like the people who walk away are the ghosts.
The people who disappear from our lives with no warning or seemingly overnight?
Not ghosts, no.
When you think about it, the person who is being dismissed?
Thats the person whos haunted.
Thats the person fading away in a way they never asked to.
Thats the fragmented person, the one who is disappearing even when they wanted to stay.
I feel like a ghost a lot.
But did any of those people actually see the real me?
Ill talk about (almost) whatever you want.
Sex, dating, blood, gore, guts, conspiracy theories, childhood trauma.
You name it, I can talk about it.
I just want to matter.
And not in a little sense.
I think Im tired of feeling haunted by my own self.
Because I think, if we really get down to it, thats the scariest feeling of all.
