I dont remember who said I love you first.
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Updated 6 years ago,July 24, 2019
I dont remember who saidI love youfirst.
Maybe it was him.
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In which case, we were probably about to go to bed.
Or maybe it was me.
In which case, there was definitely a fight involved.
I was chiller than chill, I didntneedto say that I loved him.
And so we got into some petty fight that eventually exploded with me saying what he already knew.
I dont have the slightest recollection of who said I love you first.
All that I know is once it was out there, we couldnt say it enough.
I love you I love you I love you.
Its a weird thing, being truly loved by another person for the first time.
Its an experience that makes most people feel completely shell shocked and I was no different.
Being loved by him was overwhelming and scary and riveting and exhilarating all at the same time.
His love was the kind of love that didnt hold back.
So even though I cant remember who said it first, I dont think it really matters.
What matters is not who said it first.
What matters is that we loved each other, and that we needed everyone to know.
Its a weird thing, falling in love with someone for the first time.
It was slow and patient.
He made it impossible.
I secretly always kind of wondered what our wedding day would look like.
But with him, it seemed like a possibility.
Hed given up fighting me, he knew it was over.
Id given up trying, I knew it was over.
And before he closed that front door for the last time he looked straight at me.
Ill never forget the way he said it.
Its a weird thing, figuring out how to stop being in love with someone.
I was on the phone with my dad, talking about how I owed my now ex an explanation.
I should just tell him why.
I should let him ask questions.
I should give him an opportunity to tell me how he feels.
What this meant for him, to tell me he hates me if he needs to.
To tell me whatever.
And since you dont, you have to figure out how to let him go.
So thats what I did.
And move on, exist, grow, thrive, and love without me he did.
Ive secretly always wondered what an engagement ring would look like on my finger.
But a ring given to me by someone who loves me?
Yeah, I think thats something Id be completely okay with.
The closest Ive ever come is with him.
That ring wasnt meant for me.
A girl who he indisputably, unwaveringly loves back.
And that girl is not me.
So theyre going to walk down an aisle, maybe lined with flowers maybe not.
And I wont be there.
Its a weird thing, realizing that a person you loved is in love with someone else.
That we are all replaceable.
Still feel warm inside.
Maybe it was him, in between dozing off and on at 2 AM one night/morning.
Maybe it was me, being absurdly dramatic because I didnt want to say what was already desperately apparent.
But the point, regardless of who said it before the other, stands.
We loved each other.
We really,reallydid.
May you never forget that love you deserve, and may you always get it.
