I wish I knew what you were saying.
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
By
Updated 6 years ago,October 23, 2019
1.
Lisa Fotios
I sleep a lot better when I sleep next to you.
But, Im afraid its just you.
And then theres you.
Even in my sleep, I search for you.
I dont just not mind your touch, but I crave it.
I want to be close to you.
Hearing you snore and breathe heavily is one of the most calming sounds.
It actually puts me to sleep.
If I wake up, I hear you and fall asleep again.
I wish I knew what you were saying.
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
That triggering experience the other day resurfaced trauma directly and indirectly associated with it.
I felt lonely, I felt afraid, I felt pain.
Its not something I felt like I could discuss in depth with anyone.
I wanted those arms of yours.
You have a soothing effect on me.
If I told you, its because I trust you.
I am still in disbelief, because trusting anyone is so very not on brand for me.
Yet, it feels so easy and comfortable to just let myself go with you.
I hate how capable I am of missing you.
Its too soon for that.
I already miss you.
I could kiss you for hours.
I know thats cliche to say, but fuck, its so very true.
I am so very into the way you kiss, the way you move those lips and that tongue.
Theres both softness and force behind it.
You take your time, yet your mouth dances with mine with an urgency.
Its the perfect ratio of aggressive and tender.
You kiss me the way I want to be kissed.
The kind that keeps me up at night when Im alone in bed.
Fuck it, lets make it a full one.
Well make a game of it.
Ill strip for you, slowly take off my scarce clothes, sway my hips back and forth.
I want to stand in front of you and put on a show.
I want to stand in front of you exposed.
I dont want to be thinking of you.
But you are, and I am.
I cant help myself when it comes to you.
I am afraid of you.
I am afraid of you in the way theres something to fear in what makes you feel safe.
You hold a power in making me feel that way.
Its not a thing I do let myself get comfortable with anyone.
But you make me feel…things.
And the scariest of all is the desire to be soft again.
This is not me being bored, Ive been there and I know the difference.
This is me wanting to just be myself, not anyones version of who theyve fantasized me to be.
I wouldnt stand in your way if you came in with a bulldoze in front of these walls.
There was this night you offered me tea after a grueling day.
You put the kettle on and prepared it for me.
You were just a person doing something nice for another human being.
Its tragic, how much of a stranger I am to benevolence in men.
Im conditioned to associate acts of kindness and displays of affection to the cost of something.
And there you were, beingjust you.
Ive never had anyone be kind to me, you know.
I am taken aback by your warmth.
Its not just that.
I am transfixed by you.
In a plethora of other ways, absolutely captivated, too.
Youre truly wonderful, magnetic, even.
But for now, I am going to keep all those many things that mesmerize me selfishly to myself.
I struggle with letting myself be seen, letting my thoughts and feelings be known, and just talking.
I write like a beast, though.
Chances are, youll read something before you witness anything slip from my lips.
I am afraid of being vulnerable, even in small ways.
I so very hope you are not reading this.
This is too new, whatever this is.
I want the chance to know you.
