You are going to wait for the day when it’s possible for you to be proud.
Most of your 20s were spent like that wishing time would just go by faster.
Wanting to be somewhere else.
Vince Perraud
Afraid to sink your teeth into the space in which you occupied because nothing felt secure.
You were always waiting for a sign letting you know you made it.
You made lists bucket lists, to-do lists, short-term and long-term goal lists.
And my God, doesnt that sting a little?
You cant know this yet, but the universe makes no mistakes.
You will feel things so intensely and you will hate yourself for it afterwards.
Youll always feel like youre missing out.
Stability sounds good but feels like an avalanche of chaos lurking around the corner.
So you learn to start the chaos yourself.
You convince yourself that you deserve chaos.
Heres a secret: it always does.
You will make friends.
You are going to push them away because that is what you do.
You are going to complain that no one is there for you.
You are going to fight with grief.
Theyre not really gone.
Theyll never get the fine lines that are softening around your eyes.
Theyll never have to dye their hair to cover a grey.
How could they leave you like that?
How could they get up and walk away without telling you?
Bargaining: what if we hung out just one more time?
What if I made it to the hospital?
What if I picked up the phone?
What if I spent more time with them?
Would that be enough to take the sting of a billion bee bites?
Tears that feel like they wont ever stop.
Memories playing over and over again of your last conversation.
The last time you saw them.
And how desperately you want to feel their presence if only for a minute.
Acceptance: their birthdays will come and go.
Moments that they should be at.
You will move on.
The ache will still be there, but a little lighter.
You will learn to live without them, though you will fight it with all of your might.
And if nothing else, how beautiful is it that we have that?
You will go through stretches of time where you are suffocating under the weight of it all.
A lot of 29 will feel like that heavy and dark for reasons you are still trying to understand.
The feeling comes in and settles down on top of your chest.
Youll get out of it.You just dont know it yet.
You will listen to it alone.
You will listen to it with friends.
Youre gonna wish it was easier.
Youre gonna wish you couldve stood where they would have been proud.
No more supervised hours.
You did this all on your own.
You thought this would feel better.
You thought this would have felt like glitter falling on the floor and fireworks sparkling in the air.
You will realize then, at that very moment, that it will never matter.
Those things will never keep you warm at night.
People will tell you that love will fill you.
That love is the missing piece.
But you dont want to hear it.
You will fight it.
You will run away from any flicker of love and run straight into chaos.
Youre going to be really stupid in love.
And I mean really, really stupid.
Youre going to fall into the same mans arms over and over and over again.
Youre going to lose some people because of it.
Youre going to lose yourself because of it.
Youre going to convince yourself that this is the only love youll know.
That love beyond unrequited love doesnt exist.
You will get through it though.
Youre going to hear the words that pierce your chest just deep enough to make you let it go.
You are going to walk away, and trust me when I say: you will never turn back.
You will learn that love exists beyond that.
That love is deeper than a boy who stopped looking at you like you turned his world upside down.
That love is much more than being the girl who let infatuation blind her.
Love exists in friendships that withstand heartache and hardship.
In the kind of friends who will get on an airplane to celebrate your 30th birthday.
Youre going to spend the latter half of your twenties desperately seeking balance.
You are going to write about it every year on your birthday.
You are going to make analogies about how badly you wanted to be a gymnast who masters the tightrope.
That will be the metaphor for your twenties.
Youre going to look in places far and low.
Youre going to buy all sorts of planners to help you organize better.
Youll attempt to change your schedule.
Youll quit your job and convince yourself that that will bring you balance.
Youll schedule time for friends.
Youll schedule time for yourself.
And youll realize that it never really was about balance, was it?
you’re free to find balance, sure, but you wont feel it.
Your normal will keep on changing and the balance that you thought you had will topple over.
Youre going to think it was all about balance, but guess what?
Its all about peace.
It has only ever been about peace.
And you might find that peace in nature.
you might find that peace in friendships.
you’re able to find that peace in weekends away.
But just remember just make note its only ever been about peace.
Anything that doesnt facilitate that is just noise.And noise is just not what you need.
So this is it.
Another trip around the sun.
Another year gone by.
The closing of a decade-long chapter and the beginning of the next.
And you will be okay.
You will always be okay.
