It’s about having conflicting feelings about every good thing that happens to me.
They can understand why those things make me nervous because they can relate.
Theyve been there before in their own way.
God & Man
However, when my anxiety is linked to something they consider apositive, they stop relating.
They start looking at me funny and saying things like, Why are you freaking out?
This is a good thing!
You should be happy.
I alreadyknowgetting invited to a party is a good thing.
I alreadyknowmy anxiety is hypocritical.
It doesnt make any sense.
It makes me fear the things I desire the most.
It puts me in unfair scenarios.
Anxiety is about more than not wanting to answer the phone when the doctor calls.
Its about not wanting to answer the phone when yourbest friendcalls, when yourcousincalls, when yourboyfriend/girlfriendcalls.
I dont know why my mind hops to the worst case scenario.
I dont know why anxiety skyrockets my heart rate even on the days when nothing has gone wrong.
I dont know why Ive been living like this for so long and assuming its normal.
Its also about dreading the good things, the blessings, the moments Im fortunate to experience.
It makes me come across as entitled and bratty and heartless.
But Im not trying to come across that way.
Im not trying to hurt the people who love me the most.
Im only trying to survive.
Of course, canceling plans neverfeelsselfish because Im not getting what I want.
What Iwantis to be able to socialize without my stomach rolling.
What Iwantis to feel included.
What Iwantis to live my life without restrictions.
When I cancel plans, it never crosses my mind that I might be disappointing you.
It feels more like Im doing you a favor because you dont have to bother with me.
It feels like Im only punishing myself.
I wish more people realized the way anxiety worked inside of my brain.
Iwantto live my life.
Iwantto have a good time.
I just have trouble convincing my anxiety to go along with the idea.
