I call my mother and hope she isnt disappointed.
By
Updated 6 years ago,February 6, 2019
I wake up at 9 am.
My biological clock is working even when Im not.
Leo Hidalgo
Theres no need to be awake right now.
Nobody waiting to see me walk in the door.
Nothing on my deadline.
Why am I even up?
I go back to sleep.
Because this is what you do when depressed.
And both at the same time.
Why try when its so hard to even think about trying?
I wake up again at noon.
This time, I get up.
I should be though, right?
I havent had food in well over 12 hours.
What time was that?
And why did I order from Postmates?
Im looking at a shrinking savings account.
Im swiping my credit card like its gonna bring me closer to God.Shit, God,I think.
Is this because Im not closer, uh, close whatsoever to God?
Would I be this low if I believed in, I dont know, anything?
My brain doesnt produce enough serotonin so I help it.
Just so I didnt make a sound.
I eat a rice cake with avocado on it.
I apply to jobs.
I write cover letters.
I cry for the place that loved me and I left.
I cry for the home that loved me and I left.
I apply to more jobs.
I write more cover letters.
I redo my resume.
I redo it again.
I redo it constantly.
I call my mother and ask her if its annoying to follow up.
I call my mother and tell her Im not sure my purpose anymore.
I call my mother and hope she isnt disappointed.
I look at all the things I bought.
thinking it will always be on me.
It will always be okay.
It will always be a surplus.
Because thats all its been!
Because Im 25 and offered every job Ive ever applied for!
Because, hot damn, Im a COMMODITY!
I apply to more jobs.
I ask my mom if she will proofread this cover letter.
We discuss it for 3 hours.
I am so excited.
I am so passionate.
This is gonna be the one.
This is the perfect company.
This is the place I will fit so perfectly.
I never hear back.
I wake up at 9 am.
I try all over again.
