For so long, I was ashamed to admit that I had been in a relationship like this.
I always said I would never be that girl.
I ignored all the red flags.
Every single one of them.
There have been a few terms that really connected due to their familiarity.
Gaslighting:to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
He always knew what to say to draw me in.
But I ignored the signs.
He started his head games and I just played along.
Everything was always so subtle; I never knew what was happening.
I didnt see it at first, but looking back now, I can see all the little manipulations.
How he separated me from friends and family and secluded me so that he could have complete control.
How he broke me down with his constant criticisms and insults.
If there was anything I did that he didnt like, he would tell me it was stupid.
He took away all my confidence in myself.
He always needed my full attention and didnt like me doing anything that wasnt about him.
So I would give in, and he still cheated.
I always had suspicions, but it took a long time to finally get confirmation.
I couldnt comprehend that the same person who needed me so much could stray outside of our relationship.
And like an idiot, I believed him over and over again.
He couldnt even cheat outside our circle.
It always seemed to be girls that were around to remind me of his mistakes over and over.
And I was expected to just get over it.
But I didnt know how to love and hate him at the same time.
I had to wait by my phone for him to call me every night.
But if I wasnt there, he would flip out.
I just kept becoming more and more unhappy and unsure of who I even was.
Every day I thought about leaving, but I couldnt actually walk away.
Even when things started escalating to being physical.
I was naive and in love.
Even now I have a hard time admitting thats what it was.
I always told myself that it wasnt actually that bad or that it was my fault.
I felt worthless, like I could never do anything right.
I cried myself to sleep all the time.
I didnt understand what I was doing wrong.
Everything I said started a fight.
I kept thinking of how it would be if I left, how much happier I would be.
But then it felt like I was throwing away the last few years of my life.
I wanted to fix things, to fix him.
If I could just figure out how to handle him, we wouldnt fight.
But that was never going to happen.
Even though I insisted that I wouldnt be a backup plan, I cried every day.
I couldnt understand why I wasnt enough.
But how was that fair to me?
He kept trying to control me by telling me how lonely he was when I wasnt there.
The whole time I was out, I had to ignore his constant and persistent calls and texts.
But his control was so complete that I still went to see him after my date.
That I was the one throwing it all away.
But he was telling me all of this while he had other girlfriends.
He used tears and insults and every trick he had.
It was all about power and control.
Instead, I went no contact and havent spoken to him since.
I always thought we could be friends, but he made that impossible.
I didnt deserve what he put me through.
I didnt deserve the games and the heartache and the years of hating myself.
And he doesnt even care about the effect he had on my life.
Its hard to even look back and remember how big a part of my life he was.
It seems so long ago now.
Im still haunted by the words he said to me and the emotional pain that I felt.
I still have a hard time trusting.
If someone is mad, I always assume that I did something.
I overcompensate for my loss of control by trying to control all these little things that dont matter.
He messed me up in ways that I cant even begin to articulate.
And he probably doesnt think of me at all anymore.
The whole situation still makes me crazy.
The idea of people thinking that he is a decent person bothers me for reasons I cant even explain.
He gets to keep living his life while I sit here still full of anger.
It will never be fair.
And I am just going to have to deal with that.
That he never has the happiness that I do now.
I want people to know the true monster he is under that charming smile and dimples.
I want people to know how he hurt me emotionally and sometimes physically.
How he scarred my heart.
If any of this sounds familiar, just know that its not too late.
Its hard, but it’s possible for you to leave.
Its never too late to start over.
Your happiness and mental health are more important than whatever reason you come up with to stay.
But you are strong and it’s possible for you to do itjust reach out for help.
I know there are people that will tell me to just get over it.
It happened so long ago now; I should be past it.
But unless youve been in this situation, you cant understand just how hard that is.
Im still dealing with the after effects and the complex post-traumatic stress.
Therapy and talking about it have helped, but its not as simple as just forgiving and moving on.
I have moved on from him, but the trauma is still there.
It doesnt mean that I still love him, it just means that I am still healing.
It basically comes down to the fact that he treated me terribly and he should know that.
But Im not betting on any kind of changes from him.
Peace out, asshat.
