To reflect on the guilt, the regret, and the what have you.
Its the latter that caught my attention; specifically a post from a dear friend.
We havent seen each other except for digitally in a few years, but we stay connected.
Oleg Magni
She holds a special place in my heart, and whenever my thoughts turn to her, I smile.
Recently, she lost her Mum as she lovingly refers to her, and my heart breaks for her.
Having been there myself a few years ago, I feel compassion for her.
She ended her post with an apology for her negativity, but it didnt seem that way.
She was naked at that moment, and I admired her brevity for giving in to her vulnerability.
She has been on my mind since then.
Better with the written word during times like these, this is for you, my dear friend.
Dear Friend, it is okay:
To feel mad or sad or troubled.
To not know whether to turn right or turn left.
To be distraught and to feel overwhelmed.
To not know what to do next or even how to take the next step.
You WILL figure it out eventually.
To feel like your world is upside down and that everything you knew is now, suddenly, different.
Its going to be, and some days this may be the hardest part.
SHE would want you to take care of you.
Even if it is under your breath, yelled into your pillow, or directed at your beloved.
It is your prerogative to let it out in whatever manner you deem fit.
Those that dont, well, you gotta do you.
To reflect on the guilt, the regret, and the what have you.
It is okay to call yourself out on the should have, would have, could have.
But, yo promise me that you will reconcile with it too.
SHE would want that and my friend, I know you want that also.
We ALL grieve differently and at our own pace and that is perfectly okay too.
Often it carries the remedy we so desire.
To heal, to laugh, and to be happy when you are ready.
But most of all, my dear friend,it is okay not to be okay.
It is even more okay to do it on your terms.
YOU control your heart, your emotions, your healing.
For anyone to put a timer on this is simply unfair.
Dear friend, I wont tell you that working through your grief will be an easy process.
It could very well tear you apart, but it could also build you up.
There were days it left me trembling, but I am stronger now.
It will be what it will be for you.
Dear Friend, Im not going to say I know how you feel because Im not you.
Even on the darkest of days when heaviness weighs me down, shes there encouraging me to fight.
When I have a terrible day, and it feels like no one understands, I miss her deeply.
She was my rock and always knew what to say even if I didnt want to hear it.
Contrary to that, when I have a great day, I miss her even more.
But, Ive learned to talk to her, and Im sure shes listening.
I see her in my brothers, nieces, and nephew and sometimes it stops me in my tracks.
Then, I smile.
But it is okay.
It is good to remember loved ones lost always.
I am a better person for having been her daughter and been the recipient of such unconditional love.
When my sadness takes over, which sometimes it does, I dont venture to fight it anymore.
Instead, I give into it.
I feel every damn ounce of it, and then I let it go.
Each day I remind myself that she would want me to heal and to live for today.
Each day I am grateful that in my sorrow and loss, she guided me to this: writing.
I learned that death is a chance for rebirth.
Sometimes death brings us together.
Sometimes it tears us apart.
Grief, regret, and guilt are not easy paths.
They may even tear us apart.
Break us into a million tiny pieces.
But they can also make us whole again; albeit put together slightly differently than before.
My dear friend, I wish I could take away your pain.
But we are led to it and through it for reasons we dont often understand.
It is the circle of life, I suppose.
Here I can finally make some sense and peace with it.
I love you, my dear friend and I am here for you.
