And I dont sleep.
By
Updated 8 years ago,June 15, 2017
Depression.
There are some days it just hits me so entirely hard I dont know what to do.
God & Man
Im paralyzed in a moment of this wave of negativity that takes over my entire being.
Usually, those moments hit me late at night.
When Im laying there alone at 3 AM.
God & Man
I look at a phone and this rig used to connect us makes me feel more lonely.
The silence makes me think no one cares.
Depression tries to convince me Im unloved.
In time, Ive learned to live with this thing.
Ive learned to separate depressed thoughts with those that are the truth.
Ive learned how to tell which is which.
Ive trained myself to stop believing the lies depression tells me.
But these waves of sadness come every so often and it feels like Im drowning.
And Im reaching for anyone or anything to pull me out.
But at the same time, I dont want to.
I dont want anyone to be dragged into this.
I catch my breath only to be taken out by the next wave I didnt see coming.
Im trying to just get to my feet but I keep falling.
Only no one sees it.What they see is someone who smiles and laughs and functions.
What they see is someone who is high-achieving and eager to like people.
What they see is someone who is so put together.
Im tired but I cant sleep.
Every day of my life Im exhausted.
Im exhausted going through the motions pretending things are fine.
Im exhausted not understanding why I feel the way I do.
Im hungry but I dont care to eat.
Basic necessities go uncared for.
I can go hours not realizing the last time I ate could have been a day earlier.
Hunger pains dont compare to this pain I just live with.
I dont have it in me to go out and get food.
I dont feel like leaving.
I dont have it in me to cook simply because I dont feel like it.
There are days when Im just eating to survive.
But then there are days I overindulge maybe to make up for it.
Everything is so unbalanced in my life.
Im sad but I dont know why Im crying.
There are moments where Im alone and I just start crying for no reason what so ever.
Im lonely even when I have company.
Most the time its small talk or something fake.
And the art of pretending is something Ive mastered.
Im talking but Im saying the right things.
Telling people how awful you feel is or how sad you are isnt what they want to hear.
They want to hear youre doing great, youre happy things couldnt be better.
So thats what I tell them.
Im awake and its morning but I cant leave my bed.
But there are moments where I just want to stay in bed and not leave.
But I have a job.
I have people that I refuse to let down.
And I could call out.
I know I wont ever do that.
Ironically though that break if ever I took it only makes things worse.
I feel guilty for not being stronger.
I feed into depression then it turns back around lashes at me for succumbing to it.
So I get up and I get through the day.
Some days are easy.
Some days I love.
Other days my eyes cant even stay open, my body hurts.
But I walk into work and I smile and I get my job done.
You ask me whats wrong and I say tired.
Go to bed earlier.
You ask me why I feel the way I do and I dont have an answer.
Theres no way to answer why because I dont have that answer.
Its just this feeling.
Thats the only way I can describe it.
But the truth is those tough days give me a new appreciation for the good ones.
