Not enough, obviously.
And you will always be the one to blame.
By
Updated 5 years ago,November 6, 2019
I dont know how to explain what its like.
Tobi
The definitions you hear of, the descriptions you read about… Its not enough.
Its nowhere near enough.
So whats it like?
Its like you cant breathe.
You arent in control.
But youre fighting for it.
You are fighting a long, exhausting battle that no one will ever get to see but you.
There are days when you just dont want to move, and you dont know why.
And you dont know what to do about it.
Youre sick of thinking but you dont know how to stop.
Can they hear it?
Its so loud, its too loud.
You cant be insane, surely.
But maybe you are.
Your life is not a bad one.
You have a job.
You have a roof over your head.
Your life isnt such a bad one.
So why are you still so restless?
When did you become so ungrateful?
You dont know how to talk about this.
When they catch you having an off day, your voice rises.
You just want to be heard.
But lately it doesnt seem to be worth it anymore.
Because when you get emotional, you start shaking.
Not just your voice.
So you shut up.
And have the arguments in your head.
And even then, you lose.
And the more you retreat into yourself, the more frustrated you get.
Some days, you feel too much.
Some days, you feel nothing at all.
But most days, you cry.
Youre hysterical, for no reason, or for reasons you cant seem to predict.
All in your head.
But its nowhere near as frightening as the days when you feel nothing at all.
When you just dont give a rats ass about anything.
When youre staring off into space and thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.
How can you feel so much one day and turn to stone the next?
But at least then you dont shake.
At least you dont cry.
Is that good or bad?
Youve tried to talk about it, but you sounded like a whiny kid even to your own ears.
So you stop at the surface.
So you stopped trying.
Dont they see it, though?
Your skin is CRAWLING.
Your nails are BLEEDING.
Youre scratching, and YOU JUST WANT TO GET THIS OFF.
Your eyes are tired.
Your bones are tired.
You dont know whats under your skin, but you just want to cut it out of you.
Can they see it?
Its all in your head, at least the scratching and the bleeding.
But the creepy crawlies that seem to live just under your epidermis?
The discomfort is (almost) physical.
And that you cannot get up?
That youre failing at everything?
Thats all on you.
Thats all because you have so many excuses.
SO MANY GODDAMN EXCUSES.
Your anxiety is all in your head.
You just didnt try hard enough.
But you are trying, dont they get that?!
Not enough, obviously.
And you will always be the one to blame.
So in the darkness, you cry.
And eventually sleep finds you, even when rest does not.
You keep sleeping but youre always still so tired.
And so you cry.
And take a shower, brush your teeth.
Draw on your eyebrows, and your lips.
Dont you look decent?
Like something thats still very much alive, even though there are days when you feel dead inside.
But theres so much to live for.
Like a normal human being.
So you smile, and you laugh, like you swallowed a bottle of sunshine.
And when you break down, you keep it all on the inside.
And that takes everything you have, if only they knew.
You skin is still crawling.
Why is your whole body shaking?
Why are your thoughts still trying to outrun each other?
Do you get it now?
Have I said enough, even though none of it still seems to make any sense?
Do you hear me?
This is all in my head.
And they will never know that there are thoughts living and breathing in my skin.
Maybe one day Ill tell them.
When I find the right words.
And when Im more than this.
Maybe the right words havent been invented yet.
But I hope they will understand.
Because I still dont.
