I keep my heart closed.
My ribcage slammed shut.
By
Updated 11 months ago,May 31, 2024
I keep my heart closed.
God & Man
My ribcage slammed shut.
Thats why I cancel plans and can take too long to answer text messages.
Its why other people dub meconfusing,accuse me of sending mixed signals.
Im not trying to play games by seeming interested one day and then going MIA the next day.
Im only trying to protect myself.
Im not trying to hurt anyone.
God & Man
Im only trying to protect myself.
Those two pieces of me go to war, a battle between rom-com fantasy and common sense.
But the same side always wins.
After all, Im a risk taker.
A strong woman with an even stronger disposition.
I tell myself pretty little lies that make relationships seem like a good idea.
And for a while, the high persuades me that I made the right choice.
That I deserved to put myself out there again and experience the bliss of a boyfriend.
I drown myself in the flirtatious conversations.
The texts at twelve at night and ten in the morning.
The belief that this could actually turn into something real, that maybe well make a life together.
And then the disappointment sets in.
The unsaid compliments and slow drifts away.
The pain stings soft at first, like a mosquito bite I barely noticed.
It happens when I wait for his texts and ignore everyone else who wants to talk to me.
Then the itch sets in, annoying and persistent, causing constant questions.
Why doesnt he want anything to do with me?
When did things change between us?
What the fuck is wrong with him?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
And, finally, the realization sets in hes not going to become my future.
Hes only another sliver of the past.
Every single time I let somebody in, they screw me over.
Thats why I always end up back in the same place.
I convince myself that falling in love is a bad idea.
I retreat to square one, where Im comfortable, where I feel safe.
And for months, maybe years, Ill keep telling myself that the pain isnt worth it.
That love isnt worth it.
Until the next boy comes along and the circle repeats.
