But the truth is I lay there numb not wanting to move.
I stare at computer screen lost.
But I hit rock bottom so fast and so hard I shatter to pieces on the ground.
God & Man
And my friends ask how I am and I cant answer.
I cant make them understand the weight of heavy feelings watching someone go.
But how can you not when you meet this person who teaches you to love yourself?
God & Man
Like Im the one that fucked up.
Had I not said something wrong or done something they would have stayed.
I put it all on me and blame myself.
I hold it over my own head.
I apologize to God hoping He will pass along the message.
I beat myself up as if I deserve to live with this.
They meet me in my dreams that turn to nightmares haunting me.
And I lay there sick to my stomach and I run to the bathroom and I throw up.
Only nothing but spit is coming out because I havent eaten.
I have nothing to say.
Nothing to add to conversations.
Im the last person youd want to invite to a party.
Physically Im there but emotionally Im so checked out.
And I go to the doctor and they sign a paper.
As if pills are to solve the problem.
But there arent enough pills I can pop to fill the emptiness you left me with.
If I was a little more whole.
A little less needy.
A little more normal.
Maybe theyd stay.Every time someone leaves I think Im the one who lost something.
With every exit, I lose myself watching the ones I love go.
I search for them in the eyes of strangers hoping maybe Ill find myself again.
Every time someone leaves I venture to numb the pain.
Envious of those who can write others off and never think about them again.
But a heart like mine takes everyone with me even those I lose along the way.
