I was digging myself into a very deep grave of guilt.
There never seemed to be the right moment.
I waited for his reaction.
Josh Hild
Instead he was still happy to be with me.
In fact, dating with HIV has been… colorful, to say the very least.
No two disclosures are ever the same.
Thats what I identified with.
For the longest time, the stigma got to me and I allowed HIV to define me.
Why would someone choose me over the girl without HIV?
How could anyone ever possibly fall in love with me?
Let alone, why would anyone even think of sleeping with someone with HIV?
I was constantly bringing myself down a spiral of negative thoughts and convincing myself no one would want me.
*I was letting HIV overshadow the wonderful person I actually was.
The what if they reject me closed me off to being open and vulnerable.
I would rather avoid the rejection by rejecting them first.
It was so much easier.
Little did I know, it actually turned out to be completely the opposite.
My reality was clearly not matching my perception.
Was I creating the stigma in my head?
Was I then the one that was actually making it a big deal?
What did my partners see in me that I couldnt?
I realized this was ameproblem.
*It took me a good 10+ years to fully accept my HIV status.
There was so much trust involved.
Their reactions and how they handled the news gave me reassurance and the confirmation that it did not matter.
Funny enough, it was often seen as a positive thing.
*HIV wasnt a big deal to my partners.
*
So I needed to stop making HIV a big deal, because apparently it really wasnt.
Stop putting more attention on the thing that didnt need any more attention.
Instead, put the focus on what makes youyou.
I was indeed good enough.
HIV was just something on the side.
And slowly, I was starting to fall in love with the person my partners were always seeing.
I dont even consider it anymore as a reason people would reject me.
HIV no longer defined me, I was defining what it means to be HIV positive.
Diana Koss
And wow, what a ride it has been!
I never thought Id have the experiences I have.
It was a struggle, but Im glad I eventually made it to the other side.
Now, which one do you think is more scary?
