The truth is, deep down, I know that I am a lot.
But what it took me so long to realize was that isnt necessarily a bad thing.
My laugh could wake up an entire neighborhood.
Andrew Neel
Even to myself, I sometimes feel inescapable.
When I went out with my friends, people around us seemed too aware of my presence.
But sometimes it was a whole lot clearer than that.
Im so over her, she complained.
Shes just… a lot.
What is that supposed to mean?
I asked, mostly out of curiosity.
For all of her complaining, I couldnt understand what irked my roommate so much.
She paused, then shrugged.
Shes a bit like you, I guess.
She waved a hand in my direction as if to capture the very essence of me.
You know, too much sometimes.
It was something Id always suspected.Too much, too much, too much.
And yet somehow, the way she said it made me feel like I wasnt enough.
I was simultaneously too big and too small.
If there was a happy medium, I had no idea how to find it.
All I knew was that I hated how her words made me feel.
And so I tried so hard to change.
If I was always at an 11, I tried to tamp myself down to a four.
I held my tongue when all I wanted to do was scream.
Something will always be missing, even if you arent sure what it is.
I let them talk down to me because I believed the things they said.
Perhaps the worst part of all was that I thought I deserved it.
Id tricked myself intobelievingI was no longer too much but now too little, too small.
The truth is, deep down, I know that Iama lot.
But what it took me so long to realize was that isnt necessarily a bad thing.
I become a woman who feels big things, who allows herself to experience every emotion she encounters.
I become a woman with so many thoughts and dreams and opinions, whos unafraid to articulate them.
And god, how I love that woman so wholeheartedly.
Even if that really meant being too much.
I dont talk to my old roommate anymore.
People who only really liked that I made them feel bigger when I felt small.
Of course it was hard, and of course it was sad, but mostly it was freeing.
I have never felt so fully alive.
There are people in the world who will love feeling enveloped by who you are.
I see that now in the people in my life.
God, he said once, youre too much.
But this time, it didnt feel like an insult.
Maybe Ill always be too much.
Maybe Ill always take up too much space.
But maybe that space has always belonged to me.
