For the first time, I can breathe.
While it may work for some, carefree sex has never been something thats boosted my self-esteem.
Its only diminished it.
luizclas
We only had sex once, but our talking phase lasted several months.
I went along with it because I didnt realize I deserved better.
I had low self-esteem.
Its the first time I reached out to God.
I laid in bed and broke down in tears.
The next morning my co-worker called and asked me to go to lunch.
We had an actual date with no strings attached.
No, he gave me what I needed.
A day where I felt pretty.
A day where I felt interesting.
A day where I felt needed.
A day to truly recognize what I wanted from my life.
Three months later I met my husband, and weve been inseparable ever since.
The second time I turned to God for help was several days before my moms third brain surgery.
Her metastatic breast cancer had traveled to her brain in January of 2016.
I said those prayers the mornings of every oncology visit, every MRI, every CAT scan.
I said those prayers on the same evenings when words failed me.
But this night was different.
Because she died a week later.
One of those milestones was becoming a mother myself.
Im glad my mother died because she didnt deserve to live her life that way any longer.
It doesnt mean I dont miss her terribly.
I wake up every morning wishing I could text her, hear her voice, hug her.
The pain of losing her lives in me every millisecond.
But I cant argue any longer that her death wasnt the right thing.
She deserved a life where she was no longer suffering.
She deserved a life without cancer, without illness, without worry.
Keeping her here, selfishly, would have only been for my benefit.
I have to love her enough to be okay with the fact that she had to go.
The thought of my child has already given me hope that there is a good future ahead.
The thought of my child has propelled me to put his/her needs already ahead of my own.
And to recognize that God did the right thing by killing my mother.
But it wasnt a life worth living.
She deserved more than what she was given.
I always knew my mother loved me.
Now, Im ready to greet that love from the other side.
That maybe my heart can beat again.
Only this time for someone greater than myself.
