I would like to think that those we lose never fully leave us.
I would like to think that they become a part of us, that they live on within us.
By
Updated 6 years ago,August 31, 2019
This month marks eight years since my moms death.
Annie Spratt
Most days, I think of her.
She passes through my thoughts and I continue on with what I am doing.
But when life is hard, or when Im dealing with something emotional, her loss feels heavy.
I think of her with sadness, and wish she could be here.
I feel the full weight of missing her and cant distract myself or find a way to feel better.
I used to think the pain would be temporary.
You lose someone, and you grieve, and then you keep on living.
I didnt realize that grief could stay with me, even eight years later.
But Im learning that grief doesnt follow a pattern.
It doesnt have walls or boundaries that dictate when it will show itself.
And it doesnt always show itself in a predictable way.
Grief comes at the strangest of times.
Sometimes Ill be laughing, and Ill think of my mom.
And Ill miss her with all of my heart, yet Ill still be able to laugh.
I will feel the grief, but at the same time, I will still be able to smile.
Its like I can still see the joy in the world while simultaneously missing her.
But other times, she touches my heart and the grief is overwhelming and heavy.
Theres nothing I can do to relieve the pain.
I was at a therapy session a few months ago and was having a really hard time.
And I had been seeing this same therapist since before my moms death.
I guess I thought that by now, I would be okay.
I would have healed.
But Im learning that perhaps grief always stays with us.
And even as we heal from loss, grief becomes a part of who we are.
It doesnt leave our side.
Sometimes grief is quiet.
It remains hidden beneath the surface and comes out at unexpected times.
I think sometimes these unexpected tears are an expression of grief quietly resurfacing.
We dont always identify the tears as relating to our loss.
And I dont think grief always comes in the form of tears.
Sometimes it comes in the moments when you are smiling with the sun shining down on your back.
Sometimes grief comes in the most joyful moments.
Because life can still be beautiful even in the midst of grief.
It means that we had someone special, someone irreplaceable, who brought light into our world.
I guess Id like to think that the sadness we feel is the price we pay for love.
More than anything, I wish I could see my mom.
I wish I could talk to her.
I wish I could hug her, even just one more time.
And my heart aches for her.
I miss her with every fiber of my being.
And this is why losing someone is so hard.
Because the feeling of missing our person never ends.
The ache never fully goes away.
The pain of the loss never subsides.
But we do begin to learn how to live with it.
We learn how to live in a world without the person we love.
And we learn how to bealmostokay again.
I would like to think that those we lose never fully leave us.
I would like to think that they become a part of us, that they live on within us.
They live in our hearts and are by our side with each step of the way.
Our lives have been permanently changed because of them.
I dont think Im ever going to stop missing my mom, and I dont want to.
I am afraid of losing my memories of her.
I am afraid of losing her smile or forgetting the sound of her voice.
So I am going to cling tightly to my memories.
Im going to cry when I need to cry.
And Im also going to celebrate her life whenever I get the chance.
Because someone so beautifully special deserves to be remembered and celebrated.
My relationship with my mom is not over.
I will always be her daughter.
And I am proud of this.
I am proud to walk through this life with a part of her in every single thing I do.
There is no one way to grieve.
But I do hope you know that grief is born out of love.
In fact, grief is love.
