Some days, the hurt is screaming in my throat.
By
Updated 8 years ago,July 10, 2017
I reopened some wounds last night.
I mean, not literally.
Daiga Ellaby
Though I guess that wouldnt be atypical.
I dohave a tendency to pick at scabs.
Ive scratched things off until they bleed.
Ive pushed the tweezers a little too far.
Ive never been good at knowing when to stop.
Last night, I dug up repressed memories.
Daiga Ellaby
I took a shovel to all my layers of defense mechanisms and didnt stop until I hit bone.
I stopped making jokes.
I looked at the hurt and let myself sit in it.
And it was fuckinguncomfortable.
I hated every second of it.
Healing is not just hot tea and bath bombs from LUSH.
All those things can exist in healing.
But healing,realhealing, is usually ugly.
Its not something youre rushing to Instagram.
Its filled with dirtiness and secrets and things youve let go on too long.
Healing looks like my puffy face.
Looks like the nights spent crying because I cant keep running from the skeletons in my closet.
Looks like trying to piece things back together when I dont know where to start.
I dont think we ever get over trauma.
Not in the way weve come to learn the definition ofget over.
We adjust, maybe.
We fiddle with the rearview mirror.
We discover new parts of ourselves.
Because, damn, if theres one thing I can applaud humankind for its our resiliency.
I look at scars on my body and think about how they healed in such an understandable process.
Like, I couldseeit healing.
I saw the bleeding stop.
I saw the scab form.
I saw the scab fall off into something else.
I saw the lightening.
I saw the entire thing.
But emotional healing doesnt work that way.
It doesnt get lighter every month.
It doesnt nullify what youve done.
It doesnt erase your progress.
Its just a reminder that healing doesnt work in any linear way.
Some days, the hurt is so far away from me, its like it didnt happen.
Its like it happened to a different girl.
Someone I can almost touch, but shes so distant, I cant claim her as mine.
And on those days, I make a run at tell myself this is healing too.
I venture to tell myself there is validity in those emotions.
We are healing every day.
It just doesnt always look like it.
