In fact, I REFUSE to give you what you want.
By
Updated 6 years ago,July 20, 2019
Youre too good for me.
The first time someone said these words to me was back in 2013.
Yolanda Sun
Youre kinder than me.
You always make me smile when Im grumpy for no reason.
You put up with me.
I thought I was helping by saying these things to him.
I didnt realise at the time that I was putting myself down in the process of raising him up.
Silly, naive me.
I still cringe to this day.
The last time someone told me I deserved better was four months ago.
We had been texting for a while before hooking up for a few months.
I didnt mind being casual at first.
One text and hed be at mine within 20 minutes.
It was fun… until it wasnt anymore.
In the beginning, wed text often and at length.
But three months in, the texts only came when he wanted to arrange the next meet up.
The chats after sex became shorter, the cuddles became nonexistent.
I didnt enjoy his company anymore.
A short sex session wasnt worth how worthless I felt afterwards.
Im not comfortable being a hook-up anymore.
I couldnt be a booty call anymore.
I wanted someone I could hang out with for more than half an hour.
I wanted someone I could laugh and debate with while also enjoying the benefits of sex.
I wanted sex with a friend, not a stranger.
Ten minutes later, after waiting with nothing but anxiety, my phone vibrated.
I had been dismissed quickly and with ease.
And thats when it really hit me.
He didnt think I was even worth a conversation.
I was confused, and in my tipsy state, I realized something else.
I didnt even want to get to know my latest fling that badly.
We werent compatible and I barely knew him.
It must mean Imgood enoughto get to know.
That Imdeservingof a mans company and conversation.
What I thought I was only saying to them out of compassion had become a reality.
I didnt feel good enough or deserving.
Id spentyears dating the ones with low self-esteem, depression and anxiety.
The ones who needed validation and love.
Id destroyed my own self-esteem by trying to help men who could only help themselves.
In fact, I REFUSE to give you what you want.
He is telling you that he isnt ready to become a better person for you.
I say WHEN, not IF.
Youll ask him why he slept with another woman.
Hell shrug and say, Well, I did tell you youre too good for me.
Youll ask why he pulled away and ghosted on you.
Hell shrug and say, Well, I did tell you that you deserved better.
This is a way of them letting go of all responsibility and shifting the blame onto you.
And trust me, you will blame yourself.
I knew Id be okay.
For the first time ever, I didnt take a stab at convince somebody they deserved me.
Because if they did, they wouldnt let me go.
I finally knew I was, and I always will be, good enough.
I think youre right.
Then block that undeserving, not-good-enough, time-wasting, foolish asss number.
