I think the #1 cause of divorce is relationship-damaging behavior by men who honestly dont recognize it.
Even if you disagree, follow my logic, like.
The biggest influence on whether our lives suck or are awesome is the quality of our closest relationships.
Elizabeth Tsung
For most of our lives, thats the relationship with our spouses or long-term romantic partners.
Human conflict is problematic everywhere.
The ripple-effect consequences know no bounds.
Divorce breaks people and then broken people break other things.
There are no easy answers.
But I think the closest one is: No one knows.
Elizabeth Tsung
Just like people spent decades smoking tobacco without knowing it had dire health consequences.
You dont make me feel safe.
I dont feel like I can trust you anymore.
Safety is probably more important to you than you consciously realize in any given moment.
The concept of safety, for me, tended to be rooted in physical safety.
Wearing a seat belt.
Not getting pistol-whipped during an armed robbery.
I want to sleep closest to the bedroom door.
I want to be the one to check out the strange noise in the house.
I want to be with her walking in a dimly lit parking garage at night.
I want to pay for a home-security system to deter and warn of intruders.
I want to fight and take the potential beat down to give her time to run away.
I want to take the bullet for her.
And I will never physically harm her.
I thought all of those true things made me a person who was safe to be with.
But on mental and emotional safety?
I failed about as hard as a person claiming ignorance possibly can.
But Im not the only one.
For men, it often becomes a thing we learn to deal with.
It pisses us off sometimes.
It certainly stresses us out and makes us feel shitty.
But it tends to be a nuisance that we believe will be better after everyone calms down.
Over time, lesser incidents can trigger the arguments.
And once again, they have The Same Fight.
They HEAR them, saying words and being angry and stuff.
But they dont LISTEN.
They never figure out WHY their partner is saying and feeling these things.
…
Heres a guy who works hard and is good at his job.
Hes a good provider for his wife and children.
He never complains about his wifes behavior.
And he thinks its unfair that he isnt given the same courtesy.
He would NEVER hit her.Hes a capable protector.So it makes sense to him that she should feel Safe.
He would NEVER cheat on her.
He never intentionally fails to do something he says he will.
Hes not a liar.
Hes a good parent and guardian.He feels like a trustworthy person.
So it makes sense to him that she should Trust him.
Or tells her shes wrong.
Or tells her shes just being emotional again.
Or tells her shes mentally unstable.
Or simply walks away in frustration because he doesnt want to fight anymore.
Hes NEVER going to get it.
I cant trust him.
The mistrust is not about sexual faithfulness.
I think I know an easy way to determine whether your spouse is hurting you on purpose.)
No matter howgoodhe may be.
No matter how perfect his record might be in every other part of his life.
He either cant or wont help her.
She knows because theyve talked about it countless times with the same result.
She knows the marriage/relationship is unsustainable without trust.
Its future is in doubt.
The security and well-being of her and possibly children are now in jeopardy.
And now she doesnt feel safe.
In most cases, not like how her father used to.
The realization is often frightening:I no longer believe our marriage will survive.
I used to believe the scariest guys were the obvious assholes.
The guys that punch and cheat and name-call.
The drunks and addicts and reckless gamblers.
But red flags are easy enough to spot.
Red flags are obvious warning signs that help people steer clear.
Real danger is what lurks undetected.
By all appearances, good men and good fathers.
The guys everyone praises as good husbands and fathers.
Guys just like me.
If you leave guys like that, maybe her parents dont approve or support the decision.
Maybe her friends will judge her.
And the only thing she wants and needs is support.
She has already spent years fighting, leaving her with just one choice:Run.
I used to blame her.
But I see it all so clearly now.
