Dont get me wrong, Tinder sucks.
Lets be honest though, theres a lot of bullshit to sift through.
One time, my date showed up dressed in an Elmo costume.
New Girl
I kid you not.
A mother-fucking Elmo costume, complete with a giant, fuzzy head.
I was dating a guy I met on Tinder for a few months.
New Girl
We never discussed exclusivity, which was fine by me.
I was over at his house one night after a couple weeks of not seeing him.
Another time, I was involved in an attempted kidnapping.
(In my defense, this was actually my friends Tinder match, and not my own.)
My friend set up a double date on Tinder while we were on vacation.
After these experiences, I was ready to put Tinder behind me forever…
But after a few final swipes.
I matched with a guy named Sergey.
He seemed nice, funny, and refreshingly normal.
I had just moved into a new apartment downtown.
Built in the early 1940s, it was an adorable, three-story, brick building with only 11 units.
I was so excited to live on my own, roommate free.
For the first time, I could buy my own furniture and decorate my home exactly as I wanted.
As I was decorating one night, my phone buzzed.
It was a text message from Sergey asking what I was up to.
I enthusiastically told him I had just finished decorating the living room of my new apartment.
I followed the text with a photo of my mantel adorned with fairy lights, candles, and plants.
… Do you live in the Empress*?
I do live in the Empress.
Is this guy watching me?Kidnapping flashbacks raced through my mind.
I recognized the fireplace because I have the same one.
I live in the Empress, too!
I was relieved that I was not corresponding with a murderer, but rather a kindly neighbor.
Now, a new fear washed over me.
Luckily, this didnt happen.
That night, I was making dinner, listening to Childish Gambinos Awaken, My Love!
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
Hey, I just tried knocking on your door!
Your music was really loud, you must have not heard.
I dodged a major, Clearasil encrusted bullet.
Haha, oh sorry.
I didnt hear you!
But maybe we can hang out tomorrow?
Needless to say, we continued seeing each other.
Weve bumped into each other in the hallway several times since Ive moved in.
Ten months later, Im happy to report that neither of us have had to move or die yet.
*Not actually the name of my building.
