Whats that you ask?
OK lets back up.
Im going to share a story, my favorite way to illustrate a point.
Priscilla Du Preez
I was immediately intrigued.
I actually didnt want the date to end.
Now, this was something new!
We make a date to have brunch the following Sunday and I float home on a cloud.
In the week between our dates, I felt a very familiar feeling.
I should have seen the signs.
I had been down this road one too many times before.
But of course, I ignored what I didnt want to see and kept right on going.
There was nothing tangible, it was just a vague feeling of uncertainty.
I just felt like he was in complete control like this was all very transitory.
So we went out again and it was great, at least from my perspective.
But he left me with no indication that I would ever be hearing from him again.
It was just a quick, That was fun, have a great rest of your Sunday, bye!
Days go by and no word.
And I hope we can be friends.
Um, thats so nice of you.
Ok, see you around.
Picture me with my jaw smack on the floor.What??!!!
How can that be?
I knew he would be there and I made sure to look amazing.
We flirted heavily all night and somehow he ended up back at my apartment.
We talked for hours and hours and maybe did some other things.
He was charming, charismatic, confident, fun, and I couldnt have him because no one could.
He also had some deep-rooted emotional problems to deal with and some major commitment issues.
The bad boy who needs to be saved.
Damage cases are like a pair of super sexy shoes that are brutally uncomfortable.
When you look at them they are amazingtheyre beautiful and sexy, and you have to have them.
But when you wear them youre in agony.
Then you take them off and experience euphoric relief, the most incredible feeling.
But this feeling doesnt come from gaining something positive, it comes from removing something negativepain.
This experience is the same as dating damage cases.
They seem to be everything you want, so enticing you cant resist them.
But when you have them, you just feel pain and discomfort.
But then he pulls back again and youre back in those unbearable shoes.
Then he comes back, and relief.
And on and on it goes.
We spent the morning together drinking coffee, laughing, and just acting like a couple.
I tried to hold on to it tight because I knew when it ended, hed be gone.
But again, I didnt want to admit it.
Or at the very least send a text to wish me bon voyage.
But no, I didnt hear a peep.
It wasnt an official party.
And just as things were starting to die down, he staggered in totally off his face.
And I wasnt annoyed.
Ugh, when will I learn?
Or maybe he does have the capacity, he just doesnt allow himself to go there.
I forget about it all and I take care of him.
I give him water and bread to help him sober up.
I help him walk because hes totally unsteady on his feet.
I end up putting him down on my bed because hes in no shape for walking.
As I take a stab at leave the room, he grabs my hand.
like dont go.
He pulls me close and I feel that familiar comfort that always causes just a twinge of heartache.
Heartache in knowing that it isnt real, just an illusion.
Like how his eyes, so green and serene, belie an inner world of darkness and defeat.
I have 20 people in my apartment and you’re gonna wanna sleep it off.
kindly dont leave, he implores.
And there it was.
He said the magic words.
Whatever, itll be fine.
Fine, Ill stay for five minutes.
Whats going on with you?
Why are you such a mess?
He looks away, I almost catch the sight of tears forming but he quickly blinks them away.
I wish I knew.
Thank you for staying.
He tries to kiss me, because of course he does, and I surrender.
I cant do this.
Ill stay and we can talk, but Im not kissing you.
And youre not staying here tonight.
Okay, he says dejectedly.
But youll still stay, right?
I want to be there.
I want to be there for him.
He wont want me past right here and right now.
Hell forget me when Im not in his line of vision.
We end up talking for about an hour before the rescue party comes in to retrieve me.
But Im also sad.
We have a few more of these incidents over the course of a year.
The final straw for me came during a weekend at the Hamptons.
I knew it would be trouble.
Me and him in that setting.
I knew I was asking for it.
So I did the mature thing and flirted with other guys to make him jealous.
And we were both very mature and basically ignored each other all weekend.
There were not many words exchanged, but his eyes were always on me.
And what right did he have to be angry?
He could have me if he wanted, he just doesnt want to!
Or hes just too painfully damaged and I just cant fix it.
At the end of the long weekend, I tried to talk to him about it.
I asked if anything was wrong if he was mad at me.
Why would I be mad at you?
No, why would I be mad?
I promise Ill tell you if Im mad, and he walks away.
Its not supposed to be like this.
We went on two dates, thats it!
And he dumped me after those two dates.
How did it come to this?
It came to this because I was a damage case addict.
He was my heroin.
I knew it was bad for me but I couldnt resist the high.
The high of when things are good.
Because with damage cases, when its good, itsso good.
He wasnt my first.
But he was the last.
The last in a long line of damage cases.
Even when youre in a relationship with a damage case, hes not yours.
I was just chasing a high, chasing the ego boost, chasing the validation.
Kevin was the catalyst for this realization.
It was devastating on many levels, especially to my ego!
I was going to finally figure out why I kept going after damage cases.
I decided to sit down and ask myself some really tough questions.
What was I getting out of this relationship?
Why was I so drawn to him even though I objectively knew he wouldnt be a good long-term partner?
What had he even given to me?
I did a lot for him, but what had he ever actually done to show me he cared?
And the answer was nothing.
Not even a thank you text for taking care of his drunken self!
And then I realized that I am not the kind of woman who needs that sort of thing anymore.
I realized that with Kevin I felt less alone and maybe a little understood.
There was a darkness to him that I just related to in a twisted way.
And I also did genuinely think we could help each other.
Why was I so invested in solving his issues?
Why was I so wrapped up in getting inside his head?
Once I saw the situation for what it was, it lost all appeal to me.
I took a break from dating completely, and Kevin just didnt matter to me anymore.
There was no hunt, there was no chase, there were no guessing games.
I knew how he felt; I didnt even have to ask, it was just so obvious.
I didnt want a guy I had to fix.
Fixing myself was enough work, why take on someone elses baggage?
I want someone who can take care of their emotional damage, who takes responsibility for it.
Remember, damage cases are a waste.
Wanting a guy who doesnt want you is a tragedy.
Epilogue
When I started dating my husband, a funny thing started to happen.
All of a sudden I started getting closure with all these guys from my past.
We didnt have closure talks, per se, but I just started seeing things more clearly.
It happened a few months after I started dating my husband.
I was at a friends birthday party solo and I knew hed be there.
Then he immediately and angrily said, I need to go get a drink and stormed away.
I didnt see him again until the end of the night and I knew this was my chance.
I went up to him and said, I need to talk to you.
HIs anger and jealousy subsided and he was back to his usual cool as a cucumber, charming self.
Sure, whats up?
Why did you storm away before when you found out I had a boyfriend?
I didnt storm away.
I just wanted a drink.
Wow, is he really this un-self-aware?
Hes more of a damage case than I thought.
And you always watch me.
Why are you always watching me?
Like in the Hamptons.
You kept watching me but didnt even talk to me.
I dont watch you.
Why were you always so flirty?
You acted like you were in love with me and then you just treated me like crap.
I guess thats just how I am with everyone, he countered.
Because you dont feel good enough, this makes you feel worthy.
It makes you feel good to make people like you.
Even if what youre showing isnt real.
OK, now hes getting emotional.
I need to dial this back.
I guess youre right, he says, looking pained.
Do you know that I really, really liked you?
He asks, genuinely shocked.
And you hurt me a lot.
I had no idea.
It wasnt all your fault.
I kept coming back.
A lot of it was my fault.
Why did you like me?
The bar is dark, but it seems like his eyes are welling up.
I just liked you and I cared about you.
Now I feel on the brink of tears.
Wow, he genuinely feels unlovable and unworthy.
But now, unlike before, I dont have a need to fix him.
I feel bad, but there is nothing I can do.
I liked everything about you, I liked hearing what you had to say and being in your presence.
I just liked you,
Im so sorry.
I swear, I never know.
I wish you all the best, I really mean that sincerely.
And I walk away and that was that.And I meant it.
I did and do wish him the best.
I wish all my damage cases the best.
