Learning to live with myself, void of substances, is exhausting.
By
Updated 8 years ago,October 27, 2017
The other day at 5:00 a.m.
I found myself outside with a coffee and a cigarette.
Kendrick Lamar Facebook
I feel like shit.
Like me, his DOC (drug of choice) was cocaine.
One night, while driving me home from a Cocaine Anonymous (C.A.)
Kendrick Lamar Facebook
meeting in downtown Toronto, D asked me what kind of music I listened to.
I skipped the Oh I listen to everything preamble and answered Rap.
He asked me if I listened to Earl Sweatshirt.
I told him I did and we blastedDoristhe entire way home.
He dropped me off and I quickly went to my room and hit the mattress.
It was there I realized you could be cool and in recovery.
He also did some work on KendricksTo Pimp a Butterfly,one of my favorite albums of all time.
I listened to both albums frequently during active addiction, along withYeezusby Kanye West.
Together, these three records were the soundtrack to my year-long addiction.
Yeezuswas my binge, or spree, album during my addiction cycle.
Listening to it, I felt powerful, without limitation.
I felt like a God.
That aside, my life was falling apart.
I lost my job, my girlfriend, and many close friends.
To Pimp a Butterflywas the counter soundtrack during this cycle.
On the minimal cover ofDAMN.is a picture of Lamar, who looked high-as-hell to me when I was using.
Today, he looks painfully sober, like a dry-drunk.
Lamar, in my opinion, is the best rapper alive and a fierce intellectual.
Listening toDAMN.and looking at its cover, I think of him as a university professor who has given up.
Hes disappointed, but tries not to show it.
He knows his dissection of each topic is both insightful and a banger.
I now listen to this album every morning as I transcribe old journals from rehab.
In reading my old notes, I stumble upon feelings that Id numbed through addiction.
To justbe.And let me tell you: this is the hardest thing Ive ever had to do.
Thats the look I see in Kendricks eyes now.
Hes stuck in his head, too, fighting thoughts and feelings as they go by.
Listening, I realize I am no longer alone.
I realize that my life and recovery has been about three things: Fear, Love, and God.
FEAR.Being forced tofeelscared me to death.
I resented my environment because I wasnt willing to properly accept life, and I blamed others for it.
I couldnt accept people, institutions, and concepts for what they were.
I couldnt see myself in relation to these large forms, so I was scared of them.
Drugs were the most convenient route for numbing this fear, life-destructive consequences considered.
If I could smoke fear away, Id roll that motherfucker up raps K.Dot, knowing it doesnt work.
LOVE.Not too long ago, I realized that I was in love at last.
A girl entered my life and suddenly I wanted to be with her.
We trusted one another.
We made each other feel at our best.
We noticed the little things about one another and fell deeper in admiration.
But I put cocaine, my greatest love, above her, and it ended.
How crazy I was to give that up for drugs?
I was too uncomfortable in my own skin to love myself, and her by extension.
I realize this now and have made amends her.
GOD.Upon entering rehab, I believed treatment to be a cult.
No way am I buying into this, I thought.
Less than five minutes into my first counseling session, I started bawling.
I had been failing at life.
I was an isolated shell.
I was depressed and scared to death.
I realized I could no longer live by my own means.
But what happens on Earth stays on Earth, voices remind us throughoutDAMN.I need to do my part.
I cant expect God to do anything for me without paying back.
I recently ordered a new copy ofYeezus.I hung it on my wall next to my length of sobriety chips.
Its there to remind me of the past, so I never forget how bright my future can be.
Last night, D. picked me up and we drove to a nearby C.A.
I playedDAMN.front-to-back the whole car ride.
He saidm.A.A.d citywas better, and we left it at that.
Still, after nine years.
