I often think harboring the secret of my depression was the most difficult part of the entire ordeal.
The amount of energy I spent trying to pretend everything was normal was what tired me the most.
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Updated 8 years ago,October 16, 2017
I was an extremely happy child growing up.
Alan Labisch
Im not exactly certain when this change occurred.
I just remember one day I was happy and the next, I was extremely sad.
Thats the funny thing about depression.
Alan Labisch
It gives you no warning to prepare.
It started with me missing days of school, pretending to be sick.
I would sleep the majority of the day, despite getting a significant eight hours the night before.
I felt lost and confused, unable to understand the reason for my newfound behavior.
However, I became a great actress, harnessing my craft to convince everyone around me I was fine.
Each day felt like a perpetual struggle.
Some days I could manage.
Those days were the most challenging.
That was, until she caught me sneaking into her bathroom one day and became suspicious.
Sandra, what are you doing?
Um, I was looking for the ibuprofen, I lied.
I have really bad cramps.
Ladies, when in doubt, blame every situation on your reproductive health.
I knew she wasnt buying it.
My mom could smell bullshit a mile away.
She saw right through me.
I remember that day vividly, as though it happened yesterday.
It wasnt my first experience with therapy.
A movie I was too young to view but one my brother and me snuck into regardless.
Nevertheless, I remember having to answer questions like Is everything alright at home?
or my personal favorite, Is someone touching you inappropriately?
So your mother tells me youve been having a difficult time lately, she stated.
No, I responded dryly.
She wore black wide-framed reading glasses and drank her coffee out of a Wonder Woman mug.
I didnt say much in the beginning.
Perhaps I wasnt comfortable or maybe I just didnt know what to say.
But she never pushed.
Instead we discussed the things which interest me.
I now realize this was a technique used to propel me to open up.
Gain my trust in hopes I would eventually disclose my secrets.
But I didnt care.
The longer we spent avoiding the oversized, pink elephant in the room, the better.
Do you have any pets?
I used to have a cat, I replied somberly.
…but she died.
My therapist later suggested it might be a good idea for me to own a pet.
Something to distract me from the persistent hum of my depression I suppose.
Something small, she recommended.
Maybe a goldfish or hamster.
As if owning a fish or tiny rodent would majestically make me feel better.
But nevertheless, my mom took me to Petco the following weekend.
We strolled the many aisles belonging to the iconic pet store until we arrived at the hamsters.
However, this one was different from the rest.
Was it sad too or merely exhausted from the considerable duties which came with being a hamster?
Who could say for certain.
It was raining heavily the day I finally decided to open up to my therapist.
I remember this because my mom and I were twenty minutes late for my appointment on account of traffic.
What would you like to talk about today, Sandra?
Miranda Precisely asked, completely unfazed by my tardiness.
I would like to talk about why Im really here, I steadily stated.
Okay, she crossed her legs.
Why do you think youre here?
I paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.
…because Im sad and I dont how to fix it.
It was as if I had been stripped bare; unclothed and vulnerable to the elements surrounding me.
And so I did.
Each moment I felt lost or confused, I would it write it down.
This became a coping mechanism for me which eventually transcended into a career.
Once I started, I was unable to stop.
Writing became my source of solace, comforting me in moments of uncertainty.
Whatever happened from that moment on, I knew I would always have my writing to rely on.
Finally, I had something to be excited about again.
As time gradually began to pass, the more I began to recognize my reflection in the mirror.
She resembled someone I use I know, but different somehow.
I cant help but refer to a quote fromGreat Expectationswhich continues to resonate with me to this very day.
Its something Estella says to Pip when theyve reunited after so many years of being apart.
I have been bent and broken, but I hope into a better shape.
My journey wasnt easy.
It was dark and treacherous, complete with hilly terrain and many winding roads.
But eventually, I made it to my destination in one piece.
My battle scars are worn with pride, like beautiful pieces of jewelry that accentuate my outfit.
I surround myself with individuals who love and support me, and I take each day as it comes.
When its all said and done, thats the most any of us can strive for.
