But look at me now.
I do this with a sense of glistening pride, thinking about how far Ive come.
Today, I honor my mental health journey from the silent emptiness of inner desolation to unwavering self-love.
To let women living in the shadows with HIV know that shame should not rule their lives.
My story is for all women who dim their light for others.
Its a beautiful thing to overcome your demons.
To feel the feather lightness of not having to drag your demons into every space you occupy.
Theres a liberation in being authentically you, which is priceless.
Believe it or not, acquiring HIV was not the worst thing to have happened to me.
Sexual abuse and neglect as a child was.
HIV was the straw that broke the camels bacon top of an already painful life of trauma.
The bad news
Receiving bad news like this changes your life in a split second.
It sends you spinning into an existential crisis.
It short-circuits your mind, stopping you from thinking clearly.
You cannot imagine the future because you feel that you no longer have one.
After the diagnosis, I plunged into a deep dark hole of depression that lasted for three years.
On my worst days, Id ask myself, why am I even here?
I didnt tell anyone outside of my immediate family and friends.
Why me?
In all that time, I kept asking myself one question, why me?
I always thought this happened to other people, and it could never happen to me.
I trusted a sexual partner, and this was my reward?
It felt like life raised her invisible fists and pounded me black and blue.
This question always led to more unanswerable questions.
One evening something happened while watching a TV show called RuPauls Drag Race.
The contestants talk about their life stories and the hardships of being gay in an unwelcoming world.
A few contestants have even come out as HIV positive.
My heart sank hearing their pain.
Then the answer hit me like a herd of stampeding elephants running from a swarm of bees.
Seriously, why not?
Its not like the virus sits around a table with its friends, deciding who it will infect next.
It could happen to anyone.
That was the honest answer.
Was I still me?
Yes, I was.
Would my HIV-positive status limit my life?
No, it wouldnt.
Thanks to modern medicine and AIDS activists before me, fighting for a cure.
The truth was it was only the stigma that affected me.
I was basing my identity on outdated ignorance.
AIDS has been weaponized as a tool of hatred, dehumanizing those living with HIV.
I had to change my mindset; otherwise, prejudice would win.
HIV: my greatest teacher
Being HIV positive has been my greatest teacher.
Ive learnt empathy and a better appreciation for the experiences of others.
This disease has moulded me into an educator, a poster child, and a survivor of prejudice.
Updating the narrative of HIV is important.
I want people to know that a person on treatment cannot pass the virus on to anyone else.
Also, with symptoms managed you, can lead a healthy life.
Not only that, it would help people across the world to feel less shame and get tested.
Silence is complicit in so many things that are wrong with the world.
Luckily, I do have a prominent role model in Magic Johnson.
He has gone on to live a successful life as a businessman and philanthropist after retiring from basketball.
He also champions his gay son.
So, here I am, tired of waiting for that to happen.
Instead, Im embodying the change Id like to see in the world.
I do this to be of service to women living with HIV, afraid to say it aloud.
There is life after diagnosis, and it can be happy and long.
I now know that no one has the right to shame you out of sharing your truth.
you’re able to have HIV-negative children.
you might date and find love.
Ive found that adversity can be your greatest teacher when you are ready to learn.
Today, I am happier than ever.
I enjoy helping them become the heroine of their stories.
