For me, dating is an entire world of anxiety.
What do I wear?
What if he takes me home?
Remy_Loz
What if he kills me?
What if I have nothing to say?
Do I write notes in my phone for discussion topics?
Millions of people have anxiety.
Millions of people go to therapy and take medication, as I do.
Some people prefer to go down the natural path.
Remy_Loz
Some people are too afraid to say anything, so they hide, stuck in their mind.
But, this is how its like to be me with anxiety.
And this is how I cope and fall apart and get up again and again.
My anxiety began as a child.
I remember fretting over getting a C in math.
I remember thinking I was weird because no one else seemed to care.
I remember shaking whenever a plane flew over my house.
I remember hiding in the bushes when a white van drove down the street.
Of course at that time, I thought nothing of it.
As a third grader, I had no idea what my future would look like.
In high school I went home sick because I thought I had an ulcer.
Turns out, all I did was walk by my crush and BAM, it hit me.
Still oblivious to me and everyone else, I was just being Lauren.
But then things progressed and worsened.
I thought everything would be fine after that.
The pills would fix everything.
And then my brain would be good as new!
Im now 24, and the past few months with anxiety has been almost debilitating.
It has effected my self esteem, my friendships, my work ethic and what I think of myself.
It is out of my control, despite doing everything necessary for this illness.
It is out of my control.
And all I want is to have control.
Having anxiety at this age isnt a taboo topic.
I have friends who struggle too.
I have people in my life who struggle with every mental illness under the sun.
But at this point in my life, I no longer think of myself as a victim.
Yes, it sucks.
Yes, sometimes I just want to sleep just to not feel it anymore.
But it will always, always pass.
And thats what I need to keep telling myself.
My heart isnt racing.
But here comes the even harder part of dealing with anxiety.
Because on top of this crippling mental illness, I have to deal with: DATING.
And each time, my hands shook like they were being electrocuted.
For me, dating is an entire world of anxiety.What do I wear?
What if he takes me home and I change my mind?
What if he kills me?
What if I have nothing to say?
Do I write notes in my phone for discussion topics?
What if I choke and I die while hes talking about his cute dogs to me?
I think its so scary to me, because its new.
Because theres no back up plan.
Funnily enough, once I get past the first date or two, I relax.
Its like my brain decided to bathe itself in valium.
I feel so calm, and giddy.
I feel like a new me.
Like perhaps how a normal person would feel.
Maybe thats the thing about anxiety.
It creeps up fast enough just as it slows down in the blink of an eye.
It heightens you to 150% and then brings you back down to your normal state.
It comes and goes in waves, without warning and without regret.
My therapist told me to expose myself.
That to make it get over my fears, I needed to go through with a date.
To not back down or blame it on being sick.
So I went home and downloaded Tinder and Bumble.
I swiped on a few guys.
