Suddenly we could drink.
Suddenly we didnt have to believe in god and date good Christian boys.
Suddenly no one cared that we could all make different but equally strong arguments for and against utilitarianism.
I met a man through my writing who told me he was a fan.
We met my best friend and her boyfriend and ran into some of our other friends as well.
When I got up around 1am to leave he asked me to spend the night.
When I took off my clothes and got into bed and kissed him, he kissed me back.
But it wasnt a date.
This was my first adult romance.
The guy was a lapsed Catholic and culturally Jewish.
He had sex guilt.
He said he didnt want me because I wanted him and that made him suspicious.
This seemed like enough to me.
Enough of a foundation to try for something and see.
Its 10 years later and I still dont know what his problem was.
He just wanted a fantasy for a night maybe.
The morning light illuminated something he didnt want to try.
He kissed me at other times and it confused me.
But he didnt want to be vulnerable with me.
Didnt want to be close.
Didnt want to see what we could grow together.
Eventually he told me I was creepy.
I must have been creepy.
It was a group Tinder date with my really hot roommate and myself.
It wasnt so bad.
I thought, I could probably do this again.
I made my own Tinder account and soon I met a guy Id hang out with for two years.
He walked far away from me on the street even though we mostly walked places in the dark.
He basically never tried to get me off.
He didnt say nice things to me.
But he did let me love him a little bit and that was enough for me at the time.
But I was fully immersing myself in the crazy girl narrative again.
After that relationship ended I started dating for real.
I had a few year long stints with men that I really liked.
I grew more confident with each one.
I know its okay to be human and have flaws and things that are difficult.
At the end of last year I met a guy on Bumble and we had a whirlwind Christmas romance.
I had to have said something or done something creepy.
I had offered to make him spicy soup when he was sick.
It was probably that.
I should have known better than to hint at commitment.
I really internalized that and felt that in every situation, my feelings were too much and inappropriate.
I played games to appear more nonchalant than I was.
Theres no fun or affection in that and relationships without fun and affection are bullshit.
I really went through it when I realized this guy was never going to speak to me again.
My heart was broken.
I had really thought that this was the beginning of something special.
And then I thought, well of course, Im creepy, I scared him off.
Months later I heard from his new girlfriend that he doesnt even remember my name.
But I still have an open wound there and it hurt me.
Theres nothing really wrong with me.
I just have a collection of particular flaws that I work on like everyone else on the planet does.
Eventually, Danny gets help and becomes a regular at AA meetings.
This sin eats at him and grows inside him.
It starts to control him and and the way he views himself.
His entire morality and worthiness is weighed against this one action he took while hungover and desperate one morning.
He tells them about a time 20 years ago when he stole money from a poor mothers purse.
People are bored about this sin Danny thought was so shameful that it controlled his life for decades.
Once he said the words out loud, they lost all their power.
I think when I say them out loud they will lose their power.
Someone called me creepy once and it made me question my worth for 10 years.
But I dont think they were telling the truth, I think they just wanted to shut me down.
I dont think he knew how much it would affect me.
In my humble opinion that is like winning the partner lottery.
(Thanks therapy!)
And it feels really good to know that.
Will there be men there?
Will they think Im cool?
For a long time, the family was the end all be all for me.
Now I think, I want everything to revolve around my art.
I dont have any friends who are Christians housewives.
Its not a place I fit in.
I get excited when I meet people and have experiences that show me how big my life can be.
I dont want to be small.
I dont want to be the supporting cast in a play about my husbands life.
This helps to know.
I would probably complain to a friend about it and then forget it by the next day.
Id probably lose interest in him and move on.
Its a small but powerful feeling.
A dragon Ive vanquished.
A tangible milestone in my life, just not the kind they sell greeting cards about.
I am now unwilling to be controlled by the things Im afraid of.
I would believe anything a guy said about me because I grew up sheltered and he probably didnt.
They all seemed inherently more worldly than me, older and wiser.
But its just their word against mine, and the truth is somewhere in the middle.
They dont get to convince me my thoughts and experiences are less real or valid than their own.
Im confident in my values and actions.
